


See Who I Am

by vmdraco



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Misgendering, Romance, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia, also fuck you if you're here to spread hate :), i promise no queer baiting, these tags sure are fun guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2019-10-11 11:11:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 68,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17445830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vmdraco/pseuds/vmdraco
Summary: Rose Tyler finds herself in a romance with James Noble, a prominent doctor in her area.  He's everything she wanted, yet there's something about him that reminds her of a friend from long ago who mysteriously left school.  The truth, as a result, changes her life, and leaves questions finally answered from her past.  But the old scars are hard to heal, and the people she thought she could forgive are back to cause chaos.  The question is, will it result in tragedy or understanding?Trans 10th Doctor, 10xRoseTW: Transphobia, gender dysphoria mentions, misgendering, slurs





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is very much a personal one. I’ve wanted to write it for several years but was never sure how to approach it. Call it my own personal therapy lol I decided to finally sit down and do so, just because I’m tired of it circulating in my head.
> 
> When I came out of the closet a few years ago, it came with a lot of difficulties, and ones that I hope to express here in ways that are respectful yet illustrate the struggles and even the positive aspects. Keep in mind that a lot of what I write about character-wise is mostly representative of what could happen based on my experiences and what I’ve heard and spoke about with close friends.
> 
> I’m choosing not to monitor comments on this fic, but if I, at any point, receive guest or member comments that are discriminatory or just stupid bullshit meant to troll, then you’ll be blocked, reported, and the comments will be removed. I will not, under any circumstances, tolerate LGBTQ+ hatred, and it’s likely not tolerated on Archive of Our Own’s TOS either. 
> 
> If you don’t like this kind of content, then don’t read it. I make it pretty clear in the tags and description what this story focuses on. Don’t be a garbage human being and move the fuck on.
> 
> Also, please forgive me for UK based language that I’ve missed. I’m from the USA and some terms are over my head.

“Miss Tyler! Miss Tyler!”

Rose bolted awake, feeling a bit of drool on the corner of her lip as she heard a few snickers behind her. She wiped the dried saliva away as she looked at who was yelling at her.

“Care to tell us about Genghis Khan’s conquests with the Mongols?”

Rose stared dumbly, blinking sleepily, darting her eyes beside her at her boyfriend, Jimmy, who shrugged with an amused smirk on his face. She was so gonna kill him for that. She glanced back at the waiting professor and shrugged with a shy smile on her face, looking down in her lap.

“Sorry ma’am… I don’t know,” she said quietly.

Their professor huffed and rolled her eyes, but before she could retort the bell rang. Rose couldn’t be more thankful for it. She had lunch next and couldn’t wait to get the hell away for at least thirty minutes. That is, until said professor called her name before she could exit, her warm boyfriend’s hand in hers.

“Rose, could you stay back for a moment?” her professor asked. 

Rose shut her eyes in frustration, looking up at Jimmy, who sighed. “I’ll wait for you outside,” he said, letting go of her hand. God, she knew what was coming but she could only blame herself for it.

After approaching her professor’s desk, she asked, “Yes, Ms. Barbara?”

Ms. Barbara took off her glasses, holding what looked to be several tests that Rose knew for certain were going to be marked for her mum to see on the school website. She licked her lips nervously.

“Miss Tyler, I’ve been noticing a significant drop in attendance, and your grades are slipping. You used to have A’s and B’s when you started earlier this year. Is there… is there anything going on? Do you need a tutor?”

Rose didn’t expect her teacher to care. She expected all of her professors so far this semester to give up on her, yet this was one of the first times that she was questioned about it. Rose could only look at her hands.

“No, nothin’s going on, really,” she told her teacher honestly. “’ve just been distracted.” That was true, after all. She’d been with Jimmy for the past three months, and now that she thought about it, he was taking a lot of her attention away. She knew she struggled with Math and Science the most, but with a bit of elbow grease the homework wasn’t as bad. The fact that she was falling behind on her Global History class now concerned her. She couldn’t get herself to admit that in front of her professor, however. 

Ms. Barbara seemed skeptical but didn’t push her student to admit anything that she wasn’t ready to talk about. “Well… considering the spring semester will be over within a few months, please consider it. I’m here if you need help with the material, okay?”

Rose nodded, getting up from her seat to grab her bag once she was dismissed. She sighed with relief once she saw Jimmy sitting outside, his back against the wall next to the classroom door as eager students were pouring out from their classes.

“What’d she want?” he asked.

“Been askin’ about my grades. Jimmy… I don’t know anymore. She said ‘ve been dropping.”

“Yeah, so?” Jimmy said nonchalantly. “School’s not that much of a big deal in the end, though. Ten years from now, who would give a shit?”

Rose scrunched up her nose at his comments. “Um… university? Jobs?”

Jimmy rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “No, I don’t mean that. I mean, like, in general. Whatever happens now won’t make a difference because we’ll be adults and all the stupid shite will be behind us and we can say fuck off to the stuffy teachers. Wouldn’t you rather be doin’ fun things like going to the pub or the movies or hanging out with friends? Maybe, I dunno, going on a date with you know who…?” 

Rose took his hand as they walked to the cafeteria, feeling nervous suddenly. Why did it bother her so much what he thought? She knew, however, that it was because she loved him and wanted to make him proud of her and please him. “I want to spend time with you tonight, Jimmy, I really do, but I’ve not had a lot of time to work on homework since we’re out all night with your mates all the time. I just need a break to catch up on what I’m missin’, all right? If they don’t improve soon my mum’s gonna have a fit.”

Jimmy’s eyes flashed with annoyance for a second, but his gaze softened once he noticed her sad expression. “Okay, babe. I understand. I know you care about this sort of thing. Look at it this way though: you wanted to go into art, yeah? Then why would Global History matter?”

Rose laughed. “God, I know, believe me, but once I pass the class, I won’t have to worry about it. I’ll just get a C or somethin’ and move on. Ugh, good thing I have Ceramics after lunch or else I might just run out in the parking lot and go home.”

“Couldn’t agree with you more, babe,” Jimmy replied, kissing her on her forehead as the entrance to the cafeteria loomed in front of them.

Once they grabbed their meals, Jimmy and Rose made their way outside the door, hoping to get away from the dizzying number of students that huddled at the cafeteria tables. It was an uncharacteristically warm March day and beautiful enough to sit outside. Sometimes the hall monitors would prop the doors open for the students to have some fresh air and allowed them to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.

Rose placed her quickly cooling meal on a stone bench near the sun, hoping to sunbathe in the cooler air. “Will Mark an’ his girlfriend be joining us?”

“Yeah, they should at least, but Mark said he had to take care of somethin’ first? I dunno, he was kinda cryptic about it. Jeanne pulled him along in something.”

“Oh, well, all right then,” Rose said dismissively as she picked at her nail. She wasn’t too fond of Jeanne. Her and Mark were a few years older than her and Jimmy and based on what she heard Jeanne wasn’t the friendliest. Then again, Jimmy’s mate Mark wasn’t either. Him and Mark liked to smoke joints and have beers between classes, much to Rose’s dismay. However, Jimmy was nice to her even among his friends when he was goofing off, and she tolerated it so long as he didn’t do any of it with her.

Out of the blue, startling both of them, another student sprinted past them, looking out of breath as they stopped for air. Rose couldn’t tell if they were a boy or girl, but at first glance she would have assumed male since they were pretty tall. She wondered if they were an upperclassman.

“Where ya goin’, girly?” someone shouted in the distance, in an antagonistic voice. Rose immediately recognized it as Mark. She arched her eyebrow, wondering what was going on and why this upperclassman looked so nervous suddenly.

The tall classmate turned around with a look of fear as Mark and Jeanne came into the yard, with two other upperclassmen in tow. The tall stranger seemed to shrink in place, slumping forward as though expecting a blow. Rose wondered why when this person was pretty close to 6 feet tall and was several inches taller than them. 

Rose got up from her seat as Jimmy did the same, likely to keep Rose from interfering. “Jimmy, let go of me! What’s goin’ on?”

Mark and his buddies seemed to circle the stranger like a pack of wolves waiting for their prey to die, all the while taunting them. The stranger held a determined look on their face, as if this had happened before with the same people and they were ready to retort back.

“Where’s your tits, huh? You some kinda dyke?” one of Mark’s goonies said.

“Maybe she doesn’t have any?” Jeanne sneered, looking at the stranger with a smirk as though it was intended to be a huge blow to their ego. The stranger, if anything, didn’t appear phased by her taunt, instead focusing on Mark.

“Well, you gonna say somethin’, faggot? Or you just gonna gape at us all day?” Mark said, edging closer to their target as they stood up straighter to meet him in the eye. Rose was correct that they were taller than them. Mark gave them a shove in their chest, though they only glared harder. Mark’s eyes seemed to darken slightly as he took in the person’s appearance, and as if his friends read his mind one of them tried to tug at the stranger’s trousers from behind, resulting in a protest from them as they turned around to get the offender away. Mark shoved them again and this time they fell backwards into one of Mark’s friend’s arms. The look of terror on their face as they struggled made it the last straw for Rose.

“Oi! What the fuck?” Rose shouted, getting the attention over the others as she shoved Jimmy off of her and stomped her way over to the group. Jimmy sighed. Rose had a soft heart, and he liked that about her, but she cared too much about things that didn’t concern her.

Jimmy quickly started shushing her as Rose dropped her jaw. “Rosie, it’s just a bit of fun, it’s nothing serious.”

“Yeah, ’s just a joke, Rose,” Mark said, shrugging one of his shoulders. Rose noticed that the stranger was edging away from them in an attempt to escape, but Mark’s friends made sure they stayed put. 

“Yeah, well it ain’t funny, init?” She looked back at the stranger with sympathy, as though to express that she wasn’t a fan of her friends’ behavior. She wanted no part of what they were doing, not that she had any clue they were being this obnoxious. “You’re a right arse, Mark, but I didn’t take you for a bully.”

Mark and his goonies chuckled as though Rose was being unreasonable. “Pffft, she’s just some nobody, what’s the big deal?”

“I don’t care if they’re an amoeba, fuck off! Let ‘em go!” 

Jeanne rolled her eyes as she took out her expensive looking flip phone as though she was bored of what was going on. Rose’s immediate dislike of her intensified. She was fine with this type of behavior from her boyfriend, apparently. Mark rolled his eyes and so did his friends but knew that Jimmy’s girlfriend was a witch when she was passionate and didn’t want to deal with it whatsoever. They let go of the stranger, who took in the scene with stunned silence. They adjusted their beanie and pushed their hair higher into it, as though to hide it. 

“Rosie, c’mon, let’s just have lunch,” Jimmy said, grabbing her arm as Rose’s eyes seem to burn like the sun with anger. 

“Aren’t you upset with this?” Rose snapped as she turned to look at her boyfriend, wondering why he was so dismissive of what happened. 

“It’s like Mark said, it was just some fun. He didn’t mean anything by it, yeah? No need to take it personally, Rose.”

Rose furrowed her brow at this, unsure of what to believe. Maybe they didn’t realize what they were doing was hurtful, she wondered. 

Rose turned her golden-brown eyes back to Mark, who was now looking annoyed that Rose was once again interfering. “Do this stupid shite again and I’ll smack you all the way to Cumbria, you hear me?”

“Whatever,” Mark said, trudging away as his friends made lude remarks under their breath about Jimmy’s girlfriend being a bitch. Rose ignored them, having heard it all before. When Mark wasn’t a piece of shit, he could be funny and she had fun with Jimmy and him whenever she hung out and had a beer, but she was starting to doubt her association with him.

When she turned back to see the stranger, to ask if they were okay, there was no one there. She sighed to herself. At least they escaped.

* * *

Rose had to contemplate what took place as she finished glazing her pot in her Ceramics class. Jimmy wasn’t much better than Mark at this point, and she was burning up with frustration as much as her sculpture was in the kiln. Once the bell rang, she sighed with relief. Ceramics was her last course for the day, and she desperately wanted to go home. It was Friday after all, and she wanted to do the much-needed catching up of her assignments.

Jimmy had met her outside the school as always, but she told him to piss off. She was angry with him, frankly, and Jimmy seemed to accept that with a frustrated shake of his head as he sulked to the bus. He knew better than to make Rose angrier, even though she was only 14 and him being a year ahead of her. Mark’s comments about being ‘whipped’ came to his mind.

Rose only lived a few blocks away in the estates, so she wasn’t nervous about walking back alone. The estates weren’t the greatest part of town but having grown up there her whole life, everyone she knew in that area knew of her and she had a feeling she was safe.

Rose looked up from her mobile and was pleasantly surprised to see a familiar figure walking back to school as well. It was the stranger from during lunch, their head slightly down with a pair of headphones attached to their head. Like her, they were walking back alone. Judging by the earlier event, she wondered if they had a lot of friends, or were a constant target from their peers. She assumed they were older, and therefore was out of the loop of what upperclassmen were up to despite her acquaintance with Mark and Jeanne.

Rose turned around towards the opposite direction of her home, hoping to catch this person before they disappeared. “Hey! Hey!” she called.

The stranger didn’t turn their head due to the music, but the peripheral movement of someone approaching caused them to jump in fright.

“Sorry!” Rose said, a smile on her lips as she stopped in front of them, looking up to meet their eyes. 

The stranger took off their headphones, letting them dangle on their neck. They were still silent and were darting their eyes away from hers as if they were afraid to look her in the eye. Rose noticed this apprehension.

“Hi… um… I just saw you walkin’ home and, well… are you okay? From earlier?” she asked, tucking a hair behind her ear. “’M sorry about my boyfriend’s mates. I didn’t know they were such arseholes, at least in that way. Only been with my boyfriend for a few months.”

The stranger kept Rose’s eye contact for a moment, and for the first time Rose took in their appearance. They were long and lanky, if a bit scrawny, wearing baggy jeans and a green hoodie. A piece of brown, shoulder-length hair was escaping from their beanie, which was attached to a thin-appearing, faintly freckled face. Their eyes were a deep, chocolatey brown, and she admitted that they seemed to sparkle with intensity that they probably didn’t realize they exhibited. Rose was still unable to determine if they were male or female, and if anything, they appeared very androgynous. Yet Mark’s insults about calling them a dyke made her wonder if this person was a girl after all, if a very tall and masculine presenting one. 

They looked down bashfully after Rose finished talking, a small smile on their lips. “Thanks.” Their voice was quiet, shy, and she almost didn’t hear them. Rose found it endearing, but she frowned. How long had they been bullied to a point where even someone being friendly left them subdued and reserved?

“Listen, like…” Rose started, offering a shy smile of her own, as though she were talking to a skittish horse instead of a person. “Whatever the hell the reason is, you don’t deserve that sort of shite, okay? That’s not all right at all. I’ll probably get some dumb teasing ‘till the end of time from the lot of ‘em, but I don’t really care. I can’t stand it when people are mean like that, especially if the person they’re bullying is a lesbian or gay or—”

“I’m not a lesbian.”

Rose was startled at the first words she heard them say. Now that she heard their voice, she could tell that it was deep, yet held a feminine inflection. They indeed were female. Said not-lesbian then looked at her toes again, as though she were shocked at her own louder tone and blushed. She seemed to notice that a longer piece of hair had escaped her beanie and promptly tucked it back in.

“Oh. Sorry… probably shouldn’t take their word for it, yeah?” Rose quipped, offering an apologetic smirk. 

“It’s what a lot of people think,” the stranger said nervously, rubbing the back of her long neck. ‘M not offended.” 

“That’s good!” Rose said cheerfully. “I also hope you don’t think this is like… pity or somethin’—”

“No!” the stranger said, probably the loudest she ever spoke. “Um… no, it’s not. It was nice, what you did. I appreciate it, really. No one ever helped before.”

Rose bit her lip, angry all over again at her last statement. “How often is Mark being a prat to you? I ought to know, since I see the stupid idiot often enough.” 

She laughed at Rose’s quips, and she seemed to blush a bit more. “Occasionally him and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb bother me during lunch and in one of my classes. Other than that, though, it’s not as bad as what I’m used to.” She then seemed shocked at her own admittance, quickly buttoning her lips as Rose frowned.

“Oh. I’m… I’m sorry.”

The stranger shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “Eh, I’ll be out in a year. I won’t see their miserable faces again after that. I can handle it for a while longer.”

Rose’s mood dropped like a stone. She knew there wasn’t much she could do other than stand up for people who get bullied, but she wished that this girl wasn’t so defeated. Then, a thought dawned on her as a comfortable pause passed by between them.

“Wait. I never got your name!”

At this, she seemed to get nervous and flighty again, looking down at her feet. Yet something in her eyes seemed to change, as though she was putting on a brave face. She looked back into Rose’s eyes, with a tentative smile on her lips. Rose saw how genuine it was, and she felt warm inside, seeing her look happier.

“Oh, how rude of me. I’m, um… my name is—”

“JENNY!” 

Rose saw her squint her eyes shut, gritting her teeth and tensed her body in embarrassment. Right behind them a van pulled up, with a window pulled down to reveal an older blonde woman and a redheaded girl in the passenger seat. 

“Jenny! What’re you doin’, walking out here by yourself! Let me drive you home!” Rose assumed that the lady was the supposed Jenny’s mother. The girl opened her eyes to look back at her mum, turning back to Rose and sighing. Rose had a feeling this happened a lot. 

“Be right there, mum,” she said, her back still turned with an annoyed expression. 

“You can bring your friend if you want and I can drop her home, too.”

Rose looked at the woman and shook her head. She sensed the tension in Jenny and honestly didn’t want to be there for it. “No, that’s all right, ma’am, I’m okay walkin’ home. I live just up the road.”

The woman shrugged, beckoning her daughter to get in the car. “Well, come on, then, gran is coming over tonight for dinner in an hour!”

Jenny looked back at Rose, tentatively waving goodbye as she got into the van. Rose watched as Jenny was driven away, and if Rose didn’t know any better, she could have seen a layer of sadness reflected back in her eyes as she watched her be taken away back home.

* * *

“I really don’t understand why you wear those clothes of yours, sweetheart,” Sylvia tutted, pulling her daughter’s hair back in place with barrettes. “You’ve got such lovely hair and you’re model thin! Girls your age are dying to have that!”

Jenny remained quiet, licking her lips nervously and refusing to look in the mirror. “I’m just not comfortable in this sort of thing,” she said quietly. She tugged at the lacy material that clung near her chest, hoping to loosen its hold. The dress was a light pink color, and it hugged her body in ways that made her feel vulnerable and exposed.

Her mother sighed. “I wish you’d have more confidence in yourself, dear. You’re such a beautiful girl. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed about, yeah?” She brushed her daughter’s hair, then ordered her to turn around in place to get a good look at her. She smiled, pleased.

“Does it have to be so tight?” Jenny complained, wrapping her arms across her chest, wishing she could pull her hair back. Her mother put her hands at the sides, with the excuse to look her over to see if she looked presentable to her tastes. Sylvia wouldn’t have her mother think that her own daughter couldn’t dress herself in something pretty.

“It’s not too tight at all, it fits you perfectly. You’re just used to wearing those baggy clothes all the time!” She put her hands on her shoulders and gave her a kiss on the temple. “Gran will be here in a few, so freshen up while I get the pie out of the oven, okay?” Sylvia saw the depressed expression on Jenny’s face, who wasn’t meeting her eyes. She tilted her chin up, to look back at her. “Jenny, you look lovely, you really do. Please don’t be shy, darling.” The sound of a door opening and closing drew Sylvia’s attention away from Jenny. “C’mon, then, come say hello to your gran!”

With that, she left the bathroom as Jenny was left alone. Jenny looked in the mirror, but immediately looked away, despising what she saw. As tears fell, she whipped them away, seeing the remnants of mascara forming on her fist. She couldn’t bring herself to care that her mother would be upset with her smudging the makeup, as she left the safety of the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so far all I have written, but I hope to complete this story in full soon. I have more time in my semester this year, so I can focus on my artwork and fanfic if I want to, alongside having a job (hopefully). This makes for a relaxing time :) Well... other than this fic being depressing so far. Don't worry! It'll get better! Do not fret, my fellow gays!

Rose kept seeing Jenny at school, and she wondered if it was because she just noticed her more often now. Whenever she did see Jenny, she would wave with a smile now that they were properly acquainted. At first, she didn’t wave back and would give confused glances. She didn’t blame her, after all, since Jimmy and Mark tended to hang around her and she likely didn’t want to invite any attention. Whenever she was in the hallway alone, though, she would wave back, a tentative and shy smile on her face. Rose started to doubt if Jenny was telling the truth about not being a lesbian, because she had often blushed whenever Rose met her eye. Rose shook her head at it though. Jenny was likely just a flighty and nervous person. Given the stress she was under on a daily basis, any positivity would have made her day. Rose was more than happy to make anyone’s day, for that matter. 

It wasn’t until one lunch when Rose found herself alone when she had spotted Jenny at a lunch table in the corner, reading a book she couldn’t see the title of behind her hands. Jimmy, Mark, and Jeanne decided to sneak out of the school to go across the street for takeaway (which she didn’t blame them for, if the lunch she was having was any clue), which left her without anyone to talk to. Rose approached Jenny’s lonely table, hoping she wanted company, too. 

“Hi Jenny,” Rose said, as Jenny put down her book immediately. It seemed Rose kept startling her wherever she went. 

“Oh, hi Rose,” she said, her voice not as quiet as it used to be when they met. Rose noticed two things about her that day: one, that her eyes looked quite sad again, and two: said eyes were lined with mascara and eyeliner. Jenny was always devoid of makeup whenever Rose saw her or talked with her, however brief it was. 

“You’ve got a new look goin’ for you today?” Rose asked good naturally as she sat down next to her. 

Jenny blinked her already long eyelashes downward, looking even sadder. “Um… yeah… mum’s idea, I guess.” 

“Oh.” Rose caught onto the disappointment in her voice. “You don’t sound particularly thrilled with that.”

“Weeellll, you know, not exactly my style.” Jenny was trying to joke about it, but it wasn’t working.

“Does your mum often do that? Force you to put something on you don’t like?” Rose couldn’t help but ask. She couldn’t imagine her own mum forcing her to wear anything she didn’t want to wear.

Jenny shrugged. “Not really force, more like… coerce. She’s like, ‘oh, you’ll look lovely in that, try it today, humor me’ or somethin’, so I just kinda… deal with it.”

“Or you could, you know, just say no.”

Jenny snorted. “You don’t know my mum.”

Rose bit her lip. She didn’t like the way this conversation was going. Jenny was still looking miserable, however, and Rose knew that she hated the makeup on her with every fiber of her being. She smiled at her, which Jenny caught with a confused look on her face.

“What?”

“I got makeup remover in my purse, you know. You want that off?” 

Jenny sighed with relief, which made Rose laugh. “You read my mind.”

Rose giggled, taking Jenny’s hand. “Follow me then!”

Rose couldn’t help but have her mind wander the moment she took Jenny’s hand. First and foremost, she knew for a fact she was straight. Yet, the electric feeling that went through her when Jenny’s hand met hers confused her to no end. She wasn’t interested in girls, and apparently neither was Jenny, yet she couldn’t deny this natural, platonic chemistry that had occurred between them. Ever since they met, she seemed drawn to the tall, gangly girl and it confused her as to why. Perhaps it was a need to nurture her, make her feel better. Her mum always went on about how much her heart was worn on her sleeve for all to see, and it just so happened that Jenny needed some help. 

They entered the girl’s bathroom closest to the lunch room, as Rose took out her makeup remover with an eager Jenny next to her.

“Thank you. Again.” 

Rose waved her hand. “It’s no problem. Can’t have you with a sour face all the time, now can we?”

“You some kind of super hero? Swooping in to help poor unfortunate souls?” Jenny asked in jest, as she took a wet makeup remover cloth from Rose and began wiping away the gook off her eyes. It left smears of it across the material, and Rose could just feel the tension melt away from her as they looked in front of the mirror. 

Rose laughed at her quip. “Maybe someday, but otherwise, I’m just Rose.”

“Well, ‘Just-Rose’, the city is safe again from the clutches of evil. The evil being, well… this bloody school.”

Rose cocked her eyebrow at her as she laughed. “’M just a Year 10 girl from the estates. I can afford to be decent.”

“Yeah, but you made the evil go away for me, even for a little while.”

Rose found herself blushing at the compliments. What was it about Jenny that made her do that? A girl never made her feel like that. When she met Jenny’s now clean face, she was now gazing at her in a way that, if she was honest, took her breath away. Her eyes were intense, with gratitude filling them in ways that were affectionate and kind. Rose could tell that every word Jenny said to her was spoken from the heart. She only smiled back, her own blush making its way to her cheeks despite herself.

A door to the bathroom suddenly opened, scaring the two in place. Jeanne looked at them with a slight smile on her lips, amused.

“Oh, hi Jeanne,” Rose said, suddenly feeling disappointed. “I thought you were with Jimmy and Mark?”

“Took one look at the menu and said no thanks,” she replied. “Glad to see you’re not lonely, hmm?”

Jenny wasn’t stupid enough to believe that girls like Jeanne meant their words in good faith. She gave her a wide birth. Jeanne noticed this, giving them both a mock smile.

“Nice sweater, Jenny, where’d you get it?” she asked. Rose pursed her lips, hating her even more. Rose sometimes saw Jeanne use those types of comments to flaunt her status. 

Jenny wasn’t stupid but didn’t want a fight. “Oh, you know… around.”

“Huh. Might have to look into ‘Around.’ Never heard of that store before.”

Rose picked at her nail, before smiling at Jeanne with enough fake enthusiasm as she could muster. The bell suddenly rang, meaning that lunch was over. “Well, we ought to get back, so the teachers don’t have our skins, yeah? See you around, Jeanne.”

And with that, Jenny and Rose escaped. Jenny grinned. Rose, defeating the forces of evil again.

* * *

Rose noticed a few things about Jenny as March turned into April. For one, Jenny was wonderfully creative in ways she couldn’t understand. She talked about how she liked to invent things and tinker around the house despite her sister and mother protesting against it, though couldn’t paint a stick figure to save her life. Yet it was clear to Rose that, despite Jenny’s rather humble and quiet nature, she was brilliant. Like, all-A’s student level of brilliant. She could tell that Jenny was smart just by the books she was reading every time she caught her with a book in her face. They were college level course books about physics and engineering, and sometimes were the occasional H.B. Lovecraft novels. By all accounts, Jenny was a high-class geek, but in an excitable, child-like way that was endearing and made Rose smile. Whenever Jenny let herself talk about the things she was passionate about, she found it interesting rather than boring and tiring. If only her group of friends shared that sentiment.

“So, how’s the dyke doin’?” came Mark’s crude remark one day during lunch. Rose wasn’t stupid enough to think that they didn’t notice that she had made a new friend. 

Rose glared at him. “ _Jenny_ is doin’ fine, thanks so much for asking.”

Mark shrugged, looking at his mates with a look that Rose didn’t understand. “I’m just kidding, calm down. God, girls are so dramatic. I just see you hangin’ out with her all the time. Didn’t know you pitied people for so long.”

Rose gave him a Tyler Family Death Glare that would make her mother proud. “You know, if you spent less of your time smokin’ and more times actually getting to know people that aren’t in your crowd, maybe you won’t be such a piece of shit, eh, Mark?”

Jimmy nearly choked on his food beside her. Mark never took kindly to insults. Rose could be a hothead when she wanted to. He found it rather sexy, but at the moment he knew Mark well enough to not direct anger towards him.

“Rose, c’mon now,” Jimmy said, taking her hand in an attempt to appease his girlfriend.

“I don’t know why you put up with this meathead, Jimmy, I really don’t.”

“At least I’m a fine piece of meat, huh?” Mark quipped as he sipped his soda, not the least bit affected by Rose’s remarks. His friends chortled beside him, likely immature enough to have their minds in the gutter.

“Yeah, well, you know what guys? I’m full and I think I’ll head on out, maybe go somewhere where I don’t want to stab someone?” Rose said, her tone calm yet was laced with venom. During the rather short time since she discovered Mark’s personality, she was beginning to become uncomfortable around him. There was just something about him that didn’t sit right with her.

“Babe, where you goin’?” came Jimmy’s rather pathetic attempt to keep her there.

“I dunno, away,” Rose said, not even turning her back as she gathered her purse and left. 

Jeanne, who was as always invested in her mobile whenever Jimmy’s girlfriend was around, looked up to see Rose leave. She smirked, giggling a bit as she texted someone.

“What’re you laughing at, sweetheart?” Mark asked. 

Jeanne flipped her phone away and looked at her nails. “Markus, c’mon. Rose hanging out with Jenny all the time, her leaving to meet up with her, getting super defensive about it when you joke about her. What do you think?”

Jimmy once again almost choked on his food. “Oh, Jeanne, for god’s sake, you’re mad. Rose isn’t cheating. She’s not even into girls.”

Jeanne rolled her eyes, as though she were convincing a wayward child. “Yeah, that’s what _you_ think, Jim.” 

Much to his dismay, Jimmy stayed silent as he contemplated this.

* * *

Rose huffed as she entered the student library. It was the only quiet place that didn’t make her head explode. And, if she remembered correctly, Jenny was here, too. She was studying for a test and had brought her own lunch that day. Rose found that she liked spending time with her over her supposed friends. Jimmy was good company, of course, but the friends he hung out with were anything but and therefore made hanging out with Jimmy a chore, too. Rose wondered why she hadn’t seen it before.

As always, Jenny was cooped up with a book, though it didn’t look like a textbook this time. Rose noticed that she was reading a Batman comic, likely one that she brought from home judging by its wear and tear.

“Hard at work studying, huh?” Rose said, a hand on her hip as Jenny looked up with an equally amused smile.

“Batman is important study material, after all.”

“Uh-huh, sure it is,” Rose said, sitting beside her, thinking back on her exchange at the lunchroom and frowned.

“What are you doin’ here?” Jenny asked, putting her comic away. She then stiffened. “Oops. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Didn’t mean for that.”

Rose laughed. “Nah, you’re okay, I get what you mean. I don’t normally go here but I honestly would rather spend time with you than my boyfriend’s stupid friends. At least you talk about somethin’ other than… whatever I tune out at the lunch table.”

Jenny seemed to preen at that but sobered up quickly when she noticed Rose’s face. “That bad, huh?”

Rose sighed, not wanting to bring attention to their blatant dislike towards Jenny. “Yeah, you… you don’t want to know, really.”

“I’m not stupid, Rose. They’re sayin’ mean things, like they always do. What’s important is that you don’t lie down and deal with it.”

“But you don’t fight back.”

“What’s the point?” Jenny said, shrugging. “They won’t change.”

Rose only frowned at that, knowing Jenny was right and not wanting to dwell too much longer on the topic. She looked around the room, wondering after all this time why Jenny was always alone wherever she saw her. Jenny was situated in the corner of the room, away from the other students and almost seemed to melt away into the scenery. Did she have acquaintances at least? People to talk to other than her family? 

“Jenny, can I ask you a serious question?”

“Sure! Never took you for serious but I’m flexible.” Jenny took a bite of her peanut butter and banana sandwich.

“Do you… ugh, this’ll sound horrible but, do you have any other friends ‘sides me?” Rose asked. “’s just… I never see you with anyone else. It’s just you.”

Jenny swallowed her bite of sandwich, noticing that Rose was looking quite sad at this fact. “Nope, just little ol’ me all by my lonesome.”

“Don’t you get lonely?”

“Sometimes. But I’m used to it.”

Rose bite her lip. She noticed whenever there was a serious discussion Jenny would make an attempt to make jocular remarks or make blunt, honest statements without much emotion behind it. A coping mechanism, she figured. Rose just didn’t understand why. Not that she expected her to tell her. Jenny was a private person.

Jenny was surprised when she felt Rose put a hand on her shoulder, a sad, almost watery smile on her face that surprised her. Jenny never met someone so passionate before. “Yeah, well you got me now. Can’t get rid of me that easy.”

Jenny couldn’t argue with that.

* * *

Soon enough spring break was upon them, and while Rose knew Jenny did not have a mobile nor a Myspace or Facebook account, the promise to meet up and hang out was something they were looking forward to. The exchange of addresses was all it took. Rose was glad that she lived relatively close by, on the opposite end of the school. 

The only issue was that she was Jenny’s only known friend. She would have invited her to the party she was going to that night with Jimmy, if she knew that she wasn’t going to be harassed. She found it disappointing. Jenny was eccentric, but if her other friends gave her a chance, they could see that she was as good a friend as any. Yet the invitation to do so was met with laughing, and Jenny had the same sentiment. So that idea was a bust.

It was the Friday before spring break, when Rose walked out of Jimmy’s house party alone, feeling tired and drained and knowing she had several papers to write that weekend. Spring break would be long but useful, so help her. Jimmy had protested, of course, since they often hung out every day and cuddled and made out on his couch, but he wasn’t getting his way for once. Rose rolled her eyes at that. Mark had protested as well, but he was drunk and so were his friends. Jeanne was the only one sober that night, which was odd because she was usually off somewhere with Mark and just as intoxicated. 

Jimmy’s house wasn’t far from hers, but it took a bus ride to get back to her area of town. It was about 10pm, and almost pitch black if the street lights weren’t lit. Jimmy had insisted he walk her back home, but Rose refused, saying she can handle herself. She noticed Jimmy’s nervous gaze, however, as though he was scared something would happen to her. Taking that as a clue, she made sure her keys were in her hand. 

She was just a few blocks away from her home when she heard hurried footsteps nearby, and aggressive coughing. Rose was immediately on high alert. She knew homeless people sometimes staggered along in her area, as well as drug addicts, and she promptly walked faster. However, she noticed that the coughing kept coming from a nearby alley. It sounded bad, labored and exhausted. When she heard the person groaning, however, she recognized the voice almost instantly.

“Oh no,” she whispered, jogging into the alley without a thought of her own safety. And sure enough, she was correct much to her disappointment.

With a hand against the wall, the person coughing was in fact Jenny. It was hard to see, since it was dark, but her posture looked weak and she was favoring her left side. Rose had a feeling that she knew the perpetrator as thoughts of Mark beating the shit out of her came to mind, but she couldn’t dwell on that now. Jenny was clearly hurt, and she needed someone to help her.

“Jenny?” Rose asked quietly, walking into the alley. Jenny let out a labored cough that made Rose wince. Jenny’s other hand was on her chest, as though she was trying to breathe properly. 

“Rose?” she asked once she could breathe. “What…? How did you—” She suddenly stiffened when the sound of multiple sets of footsteps were heard nearby, and she quickly ducked behind a nearby trashcan. Rose did the same as she noticed a group of people pass the alley opening before disappearing. She couldn’t tell who they were in the night lighting, with the brightness of the street lights turning the figures into silhouettes. 

“I heard coughing, and I was walkin’ home from a party an’—” Rose began, but the light from the poles outside the alley shined briefly across Jenny’s body, and Rose gasped. Jenny’s arms and neck were covered in scratches, and her shirt was torn at the top. The normal hoodie she typically worn was missing, as well as her beanie. Jenny’s hair was in a ponytail and tied up high as though it was meant to be hidden inside a hat. It was still chilly outside in the early spring, and she was probably freezing with just her short-sleeved t-shirt on.

“Rose, I’ll be okay,” Jenny coughed. “I just’ need a ride home.”

Rose’s face hardened. “Jenny, you need medical help, you can’t stop coughin’. I don’t think you’ve got somethin’ serious enough to warrant a trip to hospital but please, come back with me. I’m closer anyway. I can help.”

Jenny coughed again and spat something out on the pavement behind her. Rose hoped it wasn’t blood. “But—”

“Oh no you don’t,” Rose butted in, with the protective aura not unlike a mother tigress protecting her cub. “My mum’s got a warm cuppa and some bandages, yeah? I’m not letting you walk back all by yourself.”

“You’re one to talk,” Jenny said weakly. There was the sense of humor again. Rose couldn’t be bothered to laugh.

“C’mon, up you get,” Rose said as she helped Jenny support herself. Rose was so thankful that she found her when she did. Now she had quite the story to tell her mum.

Not to Rose’s surprise, her mother was just as surprised and fretting as she expected.

Jackie Tyler looked up from her program on the telly to see her daughter walk through the door and holding a tall figure she didn’t recognize. She immediately got out of her seat and turned off the telly, her arms crossing and ready to lecture her about helping strange people outside the estate.

“Rose Marion Tyler, I swear, you’ll be the death of me, who did you—” Jackie stopped short when she realized that the person she was holding up wasn’t in good standings. 

“Mum, please don’t give me an earful, okay? This is Jenny and she’s hurt, okay?” Rose said urgently. “’S my friend I’ve been tellin’ you about. Someone jumped her, I found her just outside.” Jenny looked between the two with an unreadable expression. She was surprised to hear that Rose was telling her mother about her.

Jackie softened, and took in the stranger’s appearance. Her shirt was torn open and she was covered in scratches that were still bleeding and were starting to scar. When Jenny began coughing, her instincts to mother kicked in.

“So, this is Jenny,” she said quietly. “Oh, come in, sweetheart, you look proper tired.” She helped Rose lead Jenny inside and took her arm that wasn’t leaning against Rose to lead them to the bathroom. “Blimey, you’re a tall one, aren’t you? What do your parents feed you, growth hormones?”

“Mum!” Rose hissed, knowing that Jackie was just making conversation but sometimes made remarks that people considered unorthodox.

To her surprise, Jenny smiled weakly. “I was genetically engineered. Family secret, don’t tell anyone I said anything.” The joke she made fell flat when she began coughing again, and it sounded uncomfortably wet. They were thankfully in the bathroom, and she spat out whatever came up her throat in the sink. To Rose’s relief it was not blood, just phlegm. Rose wanted to ask, but she didn’t know if she would get a direct answer if she knew Jenny at all.

Jackie proceeded to bring out antiseptic and bandages and literally everything under the sun. “Jenny, who did this to you, honey? Who do I have to call?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, ma’am,” she replied quietly, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and her expression looked even more exhausted than before. Jackie had enough sense not to pry. 

“All right, but you ain’t leavin’ and goin’ home ‘till I can’t see those scars, you hear me?” 

“Loud and clear.”

Rose liked how Jenny quipped right back with her mum. It warmed her heart. Not a lot of people were comfortable with Jackie’s personality, yet Jenny took it in stride. After cleaning the scars, Rose insisted on talking with Jenny alone, which Jackie respected. Rose desperately wanted answers, and she couldn’t deal with her mother being in the room and being nosey. Jackie, like her, cared too much about people and sometimes it even got on her nerves. After Jenny asked Jackie to call her mother’s mobile and gave her the number, Jackie left with a worried look on her face.

“Okay, spill,” came Rose’s immediate question.

“What?”

“Please tell me what happened.”

Jenny’s expression was pained. “I… I really don’t—”

“Who did this to you? Was it Mark? It was Mark, wasn’t it?”

Jenny didn’t look at her, and Rose could tell she was hiding tears. “It doesn’t matter who did it, I just… I just don’t want to talk about it, okay? Please… I want to just go home and forget about it.”

Jenny then began coughing again, leaning over the sink to cough up phlegm and letting it drain down the sink. Rose then noticed something underneath her torn t-shirt; it was white, and just below her collar bone.

Jenny caught Rose’s contemplative look at her body, near a vulnerable area that she dreaded she would be able to see and stiffened.

“What’s that?” Rose asked, pointing to Jenny’s shirt. 

“What’s what?” Jenny asked, feigning ignorance.

“What’s on your chest? Did they hurt you there?” Rose said urgently, getting increasingly worried. “Let me see, quick, you should have let us know they hurt you there!”

“Rose, no, it’s not—”

It was too late, as Rose pulled down the torn part of the fabric to get a better look. Rose furrowed her brow in confusion. There wasn’t any blood there, just ace bandages wrapped tightly around her chest where her breasts should be. The area was too flat and looked extremely uncomfortable. Jenny weakly coughed underneath her, and Rose wondered if this was the reason why Jenny was coughing up fluids. 

“Jenny… Jenny, that’s really dangerous to have bandages there. They’re meant to tighten with movement, what’s going on?”

Jenny was silently crying, tears falling down her face and she refused to meet Rose’s eyes. “I… I can’t tell you. Just leave it. Please.”

Rose could see the hurt on her face, not having the energy to continue questioning. Whatever this was, whatever it meant to Jenny, she didn’t want to make the situation any more painful than she wanted it to be. She was at least thankful that Jenny wasn’t severely injured. 

Rose looked at her sadly. “Okay… ‘m sorry. I won’t ask, all right?”

Jenny nodded, more tears falling off her chin as she looked down at her feet.

Rose began hearing voices outside the door, and when she opened it, she saw a woman she remembered from the van. Jenny’s mother immediately looked towards the teenagers and began running towards them. 

“Oh my god, Jenny, my baby girl! There you are!” Sylvia said, pulling Jenny into a hug as Jenny wheezed uncomfortably. She honestly didn’t want a hug right now, just space. Sylvia pulled away and tucked a hair behind her daughter’s ear. “When she called me, I knew something was wrong. You didn’t return on time and I was so worried. How hurt are you? Do you need to go to hospital?”

Jenny simply shook her head no, not answering anything that was spoken to her and looking defeated. Rose couldn’t understand why. She was safe now, why did she look so nervous and scared? This was her family, not the enemy.

Sylvia appeared to understand that Jenny didn’t want to talk and turned back to Jackie and Rose. “Thank you so much, both of you. For looking after her and helping her. If you find out who the hell did this to her, you be sure to tell me so I can sue the bloody backside off of them!”

Jackie seemed to share that sentiment. “I’ll be joining you in court, cheerin’ you on!”

It didn’t take long for Sylvia to tug Jenny out the door, with Jenny looking back at Rose with an apologetic glance. Rose didn’t understand what the look was for. They would see each other over break. She was more confused than ever. None of this was making sense.

Jackie shook her head, running a hand through her hair as she mumbled about ruffians in the estates and returned to the kitchen for the forgotten tea that was prepared. Rose simply looked at the shut door, unable to comprehend anything anymore.

* * *

Rose was unsuccessful in contacting Jenny. Even when she went to her house to see how she was doing, Sylvia had answered the door instead, looking apologetic and saying that Jenny didn’t want to see anyone. Rose was hurt by that, but she understood after the ordeal. She probably needed time to recover from the injuries, too. Yet spring break had come and gone, and after trying to act normal around Mark and Jimmy and Jeanne, she couldn’t shake the feeling that Jenny was avoiding her. 

She had hoped to see her again once school was back up, yet she didn’t see her in her usual spots in the lunch room and the library. Not even in the halls. She wished she had a mobile to at least text her. The end of the year turned into summer and there was no sign that Jenny even existed in the first place. Rose was even more hurt and confused by this. Is what she did so bad that Jenny didn’t want to associate with her? Was she embarrassed? Was she ashamed? Rose wished she could get answers.

After too many sad days spent with her boyfriend, and too many remarks about her disappearance from bloody Mark and his stupid band, she broke it off between all of them. She knew in her heart they had something to do with it. She knew that they would lie when she asked. She wouldn’t forgive them for it, even when she would never get all the answers. Rose didn’t associate with people like that, even those she came to trust.

Jimmy had called and called and called, hoping to get back with her, and the only answer she gave was that she wished he gave a shit. About everything. Because he was being dismissive and frankly, quite uncaring about the situation since day one. Jimmy stopped calling after that.

And yet, as the new school year began, and the summer turned into autumn and the leaves began to change, Rose looked around the school in the hopes of meeting her friend again. But she didn’t. She never saw Jenny again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to add: PLEASE DO NOT BIND WITH ACE BANDAGES HOLY SHIT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
> 
> proceed


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this out as quickly as I could! That, and I desperately wanted them to meet again haha I hope I'm not going too fast. I normally take my time with these things but I'm finding that it's flying off the page faster than I can think it up. That's a good sign. I got so many comments so it definitely helped with the inspiration, which I can thank you lovely folks for :) I'm so glad people are enjoying this. Here's the next chapter.

_10 Years Later…_

* * *

Rose Tyler left work with a huff, exhausted from the long day. She didn’t expect to work as a manager of Henrik’s for most of her life, yet here she was. Honestly, the pay was decent enough, and after getting her A Levels she wasn’t too bothered by it. She had worked her way up since she was 19, so it was honestly better than no job at all.

The problem lied in how much she wanted to do something other than work in a department store and deal with employees that were as immature as toddlers. She had tried to go to school for art, but the money eventually dried up and she couldn’t afford to go back. So, she was stuck. And her mum couldn’t help her, either. It was up to her to carve her own path.

Regardless, she had her own flat now, for about a year and a half so far. And it wasn’t bad, if she said so herself. She was thankful that she wasn’t living off of ramen noodles and pop tarts, that was certain. What helped her pay the expenses was her roommate, and who she picked surprised even her.

“Welcome home,” said Jeanne, reading the newspaper on the couch. 

“Hiya,” Rose said tiredly.

Jeanne Poisson was probably the last person she expected to room with, and if Rose considered herself smart, she probably wouldn’t have done so had it been for the condition in which they reconnected.

“You sound knackered. Care for a cup of tea?”

“You read my mind,” Rose said, smiling as she put her coat on the rack. “Can’t tell you how many people I wanted to strangle today.” And soon enough, a hot cup of earl grey was waiting for her within five minutes. Jeanne was still reading the newspaper, looking through the obituary with shaking fingers.

Rose put down her cup halfway to meet her lips, shaking her head at Jeanne. “When are you going to stop lookin’ at those newspapers, Jeanne? You’re going to drive yourself mad.”

Jeanne ignored her, using her finger to scan the writing, and she stopped cold. Her eyes widened, and she slumped, though more with relief than with sadness. Rose noticed this instantly, and her eyes widened, too.

“What? What’s happened?”

Jeanne only stared, not looking in her eyes as tears immediately fell from her face. “He’s gone. He’s… he’s finally gone.”

“Mark’s dead?”

Jeanne nodded again, wiping her eyes and letting out a breath through her mouth. “Overdose, right in prison, says it right here. The fucking idiot. How did he sneak that in?”

Rose didn’t say anything, knowing that trying to give her a hug wouldn’t do much and Jeanne would reject it. “You don’t have to worry about his release anymore, then.” 

“Yeah.”

The memories came back without Rose’s consent. Jeanne had broken up, gotten back together, and broken up only to get back together again with Mark several times over the years since their tenth year. Their relationship was a strange one. Rose realized once they stumbled onto each other on social media that Mark had not been the nicest to her during all that time. When he fell into an addiction to cocaine, it had only gotten worse. Jeanne escaped with a black eye and cracked collar bone, and Mark had a one-way ticket to prison. He had only gotten five years. Rose now understood Jeanne a bit better than when she was 14. A lot was forgiven.

“Did you want to be alone for a while?”

Jeanne nodded her head. Normally, during grief, Rose expected that someone should be around in order to provide comfort, but Jeanne hated it. She hated to be babysat, as though she were a child. She knew it was irrational, but the time spent alone gave her a moment to process her thoughts and get her mind off of negative emotions. Rose didn’t get it, but she wasn’t one to argue.

“I was going to let you know that I was going to go have dinner with Donna in a few. She was expecting you to come along but… well… I’ll let Donna know you can’t make it.”

Jeanne sniffed, not responding but did peak over her eyelashes at Rose. “Thank you, Rose.”

Rose smiled sweetly. “You don’t even have to say. I’ll see ya later, yeah? Go to bed or watch a stupid chick flick or somethin’. Those are always good for a laugh.”

Jeanne could only smile through her tears, waving goodbye to Rose as she left to meet up with Donna. Her heart warmed, feeling better already.

* * *

Donna was already waiting for her when Rose sat down at their table. The two women hugged briefly, already excited to order drinks as they waited for their meals. They were already exchanging pleasantries and stories from work by the time the drinks arrived.

Donna tossed back her ginger hair and laughed. “Oh my god, he didn’t!”

“Yeah, the idiot actually did! He went over to the counter, clad in just his booty shorts, sandals, and a jumper, and ordered the crisps without a care in the world! In a damn Hendrik’s! Of all the clothes in the store, you only get the crisps in the checkout aisle? What is this, Walmart?” Rose and Donna squealed with laughter, sipping their margaritas. Even though they were far from drunk, the two clearly had a long enough day to a point where a silly story left them in tears.

Once they got their composure to avoid the rest of the restaurant glaring at them, Rose sobered up as she took a sip of her water. “Okay, enough about me. How was your day? Please tell me there weren’t any weird men in booty shorts.”

Donna chuckled. “Oh, no, nothing like that. It was pretty normal, really. I mean, if you count your brother being an anxious mess as usual.”

Rose blinked. She knew Donna had a sibling, but she never typically talked about him often. Not that her friend had to, but it piqued her interest. “Oh?”

“Yeah, he’s been under some stress lately during this time of year, when everyone and your dog gets sick. Listen, I know I used to be your boss, Rose, but let me tell you, dealing with shite at Henrick’s was like being on holiday compared to bein’ a nurse with your brother as your superior. It’s right weird. Twice this week he’s had kids come in with flu and both of them threw up on his coat. I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten the flu himself. God, if only they made human-sized hamster wheels, I can see him running in it.”

Rose squinted her eyes with a knowing smile. “What’s this about Donna? You’re not one to complain about work, really. Okay, so maybe you are, but I dunno… don’t hear much about your brother.” She dramatically finished her drink while keeping eye contact and put it on the table for the waiter to take back, a teasing look on her face.

Donna rolled her eyes. “Oh, you’re too smart for me, Rose. Okay, so maybe my brother is too wound up and needs to get out more. As in, stop being a workaholic. I mean it when I said he’s driving me barmy.”

“And you want me to take him to bed?”

“Oh my god, Rose, how much have you had?” Donna laughed.

Rose flipped her off. “Piss off, you know what I mean.”

“I dunno… I think you’d be a good match, is all I mean. And I know you’ve not dated since Rome collapsed, so…”

“Oi! I’ve dated! Just… very little.”

“You dumped Mickey two years ago.”

Rose shrugged, not having a retort as both of their meals came. “Well excuse me for not having a lot of good experiences with men.”

“Trust me, Rose, my brother’s different. I know you hear that a lot, but I mean it.”

“Why are you tryin’ so hard to matchmake me with your brother?” Rose said, on the verge of laughing again. Either she was tipsy already and she was out of practice, or she really was amused beyond all reason. Donna was probably one of her closest friends and she didn’t want to pass this up. Donna knew how to have a good time.

“Honestly? For his own bloody good. The man’s the smartest idiot I know. Do anything regarding his social life and he’s like a toddler lost in a grocery store, lookin’ for sweets instead of his mum. Useless, I say, bloody useless. Good thing he’s got me.” Donna finished her own drink. 

“Oh my god, I never asked,” Rose said suddenly, her interest piqued. “I’m such a bad friend, we’ve known each other for almost a year, and I don’t even know your brother’s name. God I need to get away from Hendrick’s.” Honestly, it couldn’t hurt to give it a try. Donna was probably one of the few people she knew that would be laid back enough to matchmake her sibling off like a prized hog. 

Donna chuckled, understanding her busy schedule. “His name is James. Want me to pass along your number, then? No pictures, though. That’s a surprise.” She winked in an overly dramatic fashion that made Rose roll her eyes. Honestly, what was with her today? It had to be the drinks.

“Wait… he doesn’t know you’re doin’ this?” Rose said, amused.

Donna’s smart phone dinged, indicating a sent text. “He does now!”

“You’re a nutter, Donna, you really are.”

“That’s why you keep me around!”

When they finished their meal, Rose received James’s number but didn’t send this mysterious man anything yet. Donna said she would text her when it was safe to do so. Donna needed to drop the bomb first.

When Donna and Rose split up for the evening, she quickly sent Rose’s number to her brother, an overly enthusiastic smile on her face. She was going to get the biggest thrill out of this.

* * *

James Noble sighed and tore a hand through his unruly hair. It was only 10:30am and the two appointments he had so far that morning weren’t boding well. Somehow there were more flu victims, and both of the appointments’ parents were tree-huggers with an affinity towards alternative medicine. He had betted one of the nurses, Lynda, on whether or not they would be anti-vaxxers, and now he had to pay her a fiver for being wrong. He felt a groan coming through his throat and he wanted the day to end immediately. He was very, very thankful that his assigned intern, Martha Jones, was so good with the kids and their parents. His stress level was reaching an all-time high for the first time in a while and Martha was probably one of the few people in the pediatric center that he didn’t want to jam fifty needles into.

He was thankful that his next appointment wasn’t until 11:30 and made the time to catch up on paperwork in his office. Martha wouldn’t be in until noon since she had classes, but he desperately wanted Martha to be there so that he could have some peace of mind. Even at almost 30 he was relying on a graduate student to keep his sanity.

James was just starting to feel the stress ease out of him as he worked when his loud sister knocked on his door. He sighed, leaning back in his chair. Well, everything _was_ calm. “Yes, Donna, what is it?”

“Well good morning to you too, sunshine,” she quipped, giving him an obnoxiously smug smile. 

“Okay, what is it, what’s with the face?” he asked, annoyed already. Couldn’t he just have one moment of peace?

“Nothing. Just wanted to stop by to let you know you have a date this Friday at 7pm. Enjoy!”

Donna was about to dash out of the room when James caught her arm. Donna smirked, knowing her brother wouldn’t live this one down. Already she could hear the gears in his head turning, as he never shut his brain off. She loved toying with her younger sibling, it was just too easy.

“What did you do?” James asked, ready to use said fifty needles on his own sister. He then remembered her texts from last night. “Donna, for the last time, I don’t need a bloody date!”

“You need somethin’ other than work, dumbo!” Donna said, poking him in the chest. “I swear, one more week and you might start tossing the kids out the window. All you’ve got is me and Martha and not much else. It’s about time you went outside and smelled the flowers.” Donna hadn’t meant for that to be a pun, but she laughed to herself all the same.

James rubbed his eyes with his fingers, hating at how much she was right. He didn’t want to admit that he was lonely. And not just for friends, but for love. Donna knew he rarely, if ever, dated, and hadn’t bothered in several years. Insecurities had gnawed at him for far too long, he admitted. That still didn’t make the idea of Donna planning a date for him any less annoying.

He sighed in a way that was probably overly dramatic, but he didn’t care. Anything to get Donna to stop annoying him in his own office. “All right, _fine_. I’ll humor you. What’s her name? What’s she look like, so I know who I’m seeing?”

Donna zipped her lip. “That’s classified.”

“Oh c’mon!” 

“Nope! And you won’t know until you meet her!”

James cocked his eyebrow at her. “What do you mean by that?”

“You’ll see!” Donna said in a sing-song voice as she sauntered away before James could question her further. “She has your number, by the way. Probably best to send her a text to find a place to meet, hmm?”

James actually growled this time, as Donna shut the door to his office with her foot to avoid the rest of the staff hearing his tantrum.

* * *

Needless to say, that the week passed quicker than James expected. He had tried to forget about Donna’s antics for that Friday, yet it came faster than he could think. In a few hours’ time he would be meeting this mysterious date, and his stomach was in his throat all day at work.

He unbuttoned his dress shirt, preparing himself despite it only being 5pm. His anxiety wouldn’t let him sit still, so he might as well do something other than pace. Shirking off his shirt, and now topless, he paused, noticing the mirror in his peripheral vision. The scars were still there, palpable under the lights. After all those years, they were still visible. He looked away, huffing to himself. 

He felt a pair of hands wrap around him and his instinct was to panic. But he recognized the perfume and calmed. Donna sighed. “You’re okay, spaceman. You’ve got nothin’ to worry about.”

James snorted. “Says the person who forced me into this.”

“You know what I mean.”

James sighed, touching the most prominent part of the scar right under his nipple. He wondered why he agreed for Donna to be his roommate despite being his sister, yet right now he knew why. She was right when she said he was always alone, with his thoughts. He hated when she was right. He was too proud to admit it.

“Now stop that,” Donna tutted as she swatted his hand away from his own body. “You plannin’ on doing a one-night stand?”

“No.”

“Then she won’t see! There ya go, problem solved.”

James rolled his eyes and didn’t reply, putting on another dress shirt that was more suitable for a date. The shirt was navy blue, the buttons a rich mahogany, and the material held a slightly shiny gleam. He hardly wore it, since he wasn’t trying to impress a bunch of sick children.

“Oooohhhh, here I thought you were a hopeless cause!” Donna said, patting his shoulder in approval.

“Oh, piss off,” he quipped back, smirking a bit. As annoying as his older sister could be, their constant banter amused him. “I don’t even know who I’m impressing, by the way.”

“You’ll thank me later. However, you forgot something.”

“What?”

Donna approached her brother and unbuttoned a few buttons near his neck, letting just enough skin show to advertise his collar. James lifted his eyebrow in confusion. 

“You’re not a professor, keep it casual. Also, for god’s sake, give yourself a shave. You look like you rolled out of bed.” She patted his cheek before he put a palm to the offended part of his face, mildly offended. He worked hard to get that stubble, so help him. James shrugged, wondering if he indeed was still living with his mum after all. 

“I’ll take your word for it, then.”

After a few more minutes of fumbling about and taking his sister’s advice, James couldn’t sit still anymore. He had to get out of the flat. Go anywhere other than sit around his flat with his smug sister. He was putting his mobile in his pocket when he remembered to give the mysterious girl a text. He kept deleting his messages, but by the fourth attempt he managed something out and pocketed the device.

Donna looked apprehensive at his side as she sipped her mug of hot cocoa. She was behind the counter, having recently made her a cup, and she was looking at her brother with love in her eyes. He’d come so far, and she could hardly believe it. He’d grown into a handsome young man, and with so many obstacles in his way. A thought passed through her, and she knew he had to let him know. She didn’t like bringing it up, but she felt compelled to. 

“James, mum called me again. Was askin’ about you.”

James halted his movements but resumed them after a pause. “Tell her I can’t find her daughter.”

Donna scoffed. “No, dummy, she was just… wondering how you were, is all. You haven’t talked to her, so, what’s a mum to do.”

“I’m not interested.”

Donna gave an unimpressed shrug. “Yeah, ‘s what I thought.” She dropped the subject as quickly as it came. James had become touchy over the years, not that she blamed him. She then noticed he was heading for the door. “James, it’s only 5:30, where you goin’?”

“I told her to meet me at that pub at 7pm on Rotherhithe Street, the really old rustic one, you know the one. So yeah, that’s where I’m going.”

Donna sipped her hot cocoa. “You’re going to be drunk on your first date in years?”

“I’m just gonna have some wine, for goodness sake,” James said jokingly, laughing. “’ve had a long day, need to quench my nerves. Especially for tonight. No, _exclusively_ for tonight. Is that okay, mummy? Can I go out and play? I promise I’ll be back by 9.”

Donna glared at him mockingly. “Oh, get out of here, Casanova. Have a good time, go get her!”

James chortled as he shut the door behind him.

* * *

James entered The Mayflower Pub with a sense of nervousness he hadn’t felt in years. He, of course, wasn’t agoraphobic, but he didn’t get out as much as he would have liked. Not that he had a lot of people to go out with, other than his sister. His dress shoes clicked along the wooden floors as he asked for a seat for two, explaining that he was waiting on someone for a while. 

A hostess seated him along the bar. The warm golden glow of the area behind the table would be a nice place to be intimate, as it was more suitable for one-on-one conversations. A waitress was immediately upon him once he took his seat and made himself comfortable. At least the service was quick. 

“Hello, welcome to The Mayflower! What can I get you started to drink with—”

James braced himself for impact.

“—sir?”

He let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding. He laughed to himself. It’s been almost a decade and he still did it every damn time.

“Can I get a bottle of the Valcheta Malbec? I was waiting for another person.”

“No problem, I’ll be right there with your order,” the waitress said, putting down a set of eating utensils for him and his awaited date. He couldn’t stop shaking, but once the wine was in front of him he poured himself a generous glass and nursed it for as long as he could. He anxiously played on his phone and scrolled through Facebook at least a dozen times, but he couldn’t shake the nerves.

“Blimey, James, it’s just a girl,” he told himself. He had a good reason to be afraid. Past attempts to date hadn’t ended well. Not to mention that he just didn’t feel much with those he went out with. He hoped that tonight would be different, somehow. Donna kept telling him to be positive, and damn it he wanted to be. So, he told himself that it was going to be fine. Maybe, if all else fails, he could make a new friend. Or maybe that was the wine talking.

Sure enough, it was 6:55 and he was bouncing his leg in place despite him finishing his glass of wine. He didn’t pour himself another, not wanting to start getting inebriated on a first date. He was a lightweight to the very end, and he knew better than that. He willed himself to calm down, he was dressed for the occasion, and he felt he looked good if he said so himself, and this was someone new. It would be fine, right?

The ding from his mobile startled him, and when he looked it was the unfamiliar number that he recognized as the secret date. 

_“i’m in the pub! ive got blonde hair, not that donna told you lol where’d you seat us”_

He quickly answered back, _“I’m seated at the bar, I’m in a blue shirt”_

This was it, he thought. He dared to look up, wondering just what he was getting himself into. What he saw a few minutes later made his jaw drop to the floor. 

Rose Tyler.

The world stopped turning. Time slowed instantly. It couldn’t possibly be her, could it? It had been too long. But he knew it was, he could tell, just by the way her hair framed her face and her eyes glittered in the golden glow of the lights. She looked older, of course, but _god_ , she was beautiful. She was wearing a dark indigo dress, which hid a lot of her skin yet hugged her curves, leaving little to imagine about how attractive of a woman she was. Her hair, which was still blonde like he remembered, was slightly curled around her face and stopping on her shoulders, looking soft and enticing enough that he wanted to run his hands through it. And most intoxicating of all, her eyes were haloed by natural browns and winged eyeliner, yet her mascara was conservative and was all that was needed to draw his eyes to hers. He suddenly couldn’t breathe.

Rose had changed since she was 14, that was certain. 

_Oh god, and so have I._

He realized, however, in his joy at seeing a childhood friend, that she likely would not recognize him, if at all. But he would know her eyes and her hair and her brilliant radiance from a mile away. 

He knew one thing, though. He was going to _kill_ Donna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rose's Dress](https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/kenneth-cole-new-york-shirred-sheath-dress/4854277?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=indigo)
> 
> The Mayflower Pub actually exists. I was looking up places that I thought would suit the vibe I was thinking of and I found that quaint little place. And it looks like it's got great food and alcohol, too! Damn, now I want to go to a restaurant across the pond... and I haven't had lunch yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of this chapter is dialogue based on "get to know each other" conversation and the like, and as a result I'm a bit uncomfortable with it??? Idk. Sorry if it's kinda boring. This was hard to write honestly lol But I did it! FOR MY OTP!

Rose wasn’t sure if this was a good idea after all. She was admittedly nervous. What if he was a creep, or insane? She also hadn’t worn her current dress in ages, and she was surprised it still fit her. Jeanne looked happy for her, too, and so she went with it despite the unusual circumstance. After all, it was a Friday night and all she was planning to do was watch something on Netflix and probably hit the hay early. She sighed; when did being an adult become that boring?

After running a hand through her hair to make sure it was just right, she tried to get herself comfortable in the taxi, crossing her legs and adjusting her lightweight jacket. The autumn night was surprisingly humid, and she was thankful that she could get away with something short-sleeved. She pondered about her date, wondering who he could be and why Donna seemed so adamant that her brother was the one to match her with. 

Once she paid the taxi driver, she took in the scene once her feet hit the pavement. The pub was apparently the oldest one in London, dating back to the 17th century. Yet its rustic appearance was charming and inviting. She remembered seeing it before around town, but never bothered to enter it. After a quick glance at the menu offered outside, she was surprised at how affordable it was considering its rich history. This pleased her immensely. Just in case her date was as cheap as they come, she can at least have something in her wallet by the end of it.

She entered the warmth of the room, the restaurant mildly packed with people during a Friday night, as she expected. It was hard at first to pinpoint individual faces by the way so many waiters and waitresses were passing in front of her. After informing the hostess, she took out her mobile in her purse and sent James a text, letting him know that she was there.

It didn’t take long to find him after her text, for she was able to pick him out in the room instantly. His shirt was an eye-catching navy blue, his sleeves rolled up casually, and it clung to his tall, slender frame. His hair was short and artfully tussled and sticking upwards in a way that made some hairs dangle in front of his eyes. From a distance, said eyes appeared dark, and they looked intense in a way that she couldn’t help but find incredibly sexy. Coupled by the warmth of the bar lighting, he was a cool drink of water that complemented the earthy atmosphere. 

Donna was good, she gave her that. He was definitely her type. She now wondered why Donna kept him out of conversations, when she could have met him sooner.

Swallowing her nerves, she approached once their eyes met. The expression on his face looked surprised, yet anxious. Not that she blamed him, considering the circumstances. 

“Hello!” she said cheerily, holding out her hand to shake. James looked a bit taken aback, but quickly got his bearings with a tentative, shy smile and returned it. “’M afraid that we weren’t properly introduced, were we?”

James laughed, a blush creeping up his neck and cheeks despite himself. The open-collared shirt he had on was definitely enticing to her, as she caught a whiff of his cologne. She noticed him tug on his ear lobe, probably a nervous habit. Rose was somewhat relieved at that. At least he wasn’t being a stuck-up prick, eager to impress her.

“Yeah, I suppose not. I’m James. Though, if I’m honest, probably should have brought flowers.”

“’M Rose, nice to finally make your acquaintance,” she said, her tongue between her teeth when she smiled. Why not, she thought, might as well be a flirt. It worked, because his eyes flickered at her mouth before meeting her eyes again. “And please, no flowers. Do you know how many times dates came in with _roses_? It’s obnoxious.”

He laughed, though he still appeared fidgety and nervous. “I can imagine so!” 

Rose looked contemplative, then raised her brows. “Wait… James Noble, right?”

“Yes?” he asked, his voice a higher octave with a tilt of his head, before his eyes widened in into a fearful expression. “Do you know me?” 

Rose laughed. “No, I don’t, I just heard of you. Nothin’ bad, promise! My roommate says her younger cousins like goin’ to you. Says the doctor’s not so scary anymore, since you keep them calm even when they get shots. At least, that’s what the parents say.”

“Oh? Um… well that’s good at least. I didn’t realize I had a reputation.” James wasn’t used to compliments, she could tell. Yet she enjoyed seeing him flustered. It was kind of cute. It made her want to keep giving them to him, just to see his reaction.

“Yeah, says you’re really patient with them. I mean, I would hope you liked kids when you work with them all day?”

James’s smile was warm. “I thought it would be difficult at first but now I’m comfortable working with them. I used to be kinda nervous around them, like they were fragile, and I was gonna be the big bad man who made them cry, or something. But, no, they’re not so scary, once you talk to them. Unless they’re babies, then you can’t exactly ask about politics or the weather.”

Rose liked his sense of humor. She could tell he was still uneasy, but he was hiding it by talking about his work, or at least trying to through constant babble. “I still feel like that around kids, even around my baby brother,” Rose laughed, sipping her wine. “But I’m glad you’ve got something that works for you. Must have taken ages.”

“Oh yeah, but not as long as I anticipated. I didn’t intend to go into medicine at first. But, uh… oh, it’s gonna sound daft and terribly arrogant when I say it when I don’t mean to...”

Rose wrinkled her nose with amusement. “No, tell me, what? You can’t leave me hangin’ like that.”

James bit his lip. “It’s because I was really bored getting my PhD in astrophysics, because I read it all already growing up, and wanted to learn something new.”

Rose stared at him and blinked. “Wait… so, you’re tellin’ me you went to school for years to be a scientist, but thought, ‘what the heck, let’s change majors to be a medical doctor instead’?”

James shrugged and scratched the nape of his neck. “Yeah, that about sums it up. Minus the parts about owing the government all those student loans.”

Rose couldn’t hold back an amused giggle. What kind of man was Donna hiding from her? “That’s… that’s brilliant, actually. Wow. Blimey… but, hold on. You’re not much older than Donna, yeah? Isn’t she like two years older?”

“I managed to work my way upwards thanks to one of my professors. He saw my grades since primary school, encouraged me to move me up a few spots since I had a lot of credits taken care of already from prerequisite courses for my PhD, and even took me in as an intern. Completed the training in probably about half the time it would normally take? I went straight to university at 17, so, that helped with the speed.” 

Rose was stunned. This man was a bloody genius and she couldn’t help but feel mildly intimidated by this. “That’s really impressive. You must think regular conversation is pretty boring.”

“No!” His outburst was louder than he anticipated, so he sobered. “No, not at all. Why would you think that?”

Rose shrugged one of her shoulders, feeling slightly insecure. “I dunno, feel kinda silly about my accomplishments now.”

He furrowed his brow, but it softened with a warm gaze towards her. “I highly doubt that. You could shape the world without trying, if you wanted to. I’d like to think you’re capable of a lot of good things for many people. You don’t have to have some advanced schooling to be worthy of anything.”

Rose found that her cheeks were coloring. Oh, now this won’t due at all. She hardly knew the man and he was making her feel warm inside already. She casually sipped her wine again, pretending that she wasn’t as affected as she led on. “You barely know me, James.”

She was distracted by how intimate his eyes became. They were as intense as she expected, especially up close. And they were looking at her as though she was the only creature in the room. “I’d like to. If you want.”

For a few seconds she couldn’t meet his eyes, but when she returned to them she couldn’t help but feel sucked in. For some reason she was reminded of someone when she did. “Yeah, I would.” She gave him a shy smile, unsure how they even got there to begin with.

James cleared his throat, realizing that the comfortable silence between them left Rose without her side of the story. “So, um… that’s enough about me, frankly. What about you? What kind of work do you do? Hobbies, even?”

Rose rolled her eyes in jest. “While you’re sauntering away bein’ a doctor, Rose Tyler tried to go to art school and failed.”

James appeared thoughtful, drinking his glass of wine while still holding eye contact. “Why suddenly so… down on yourself about that?”

Rose was suddenly caught off guard. She didn’t expect him to make an assessment of her, and so easily. She found that she wasn’t offended. What was this man doing to her?

“Oh. I didn’t realize I was.”

Her date smiled warmly, looking like he wanted to touch her hand in apology but held himself back. She was disappointed in that. “Sorry, I just… being in art school is brilliant. I wish I could draw, really. I don’t know why you would think otherwise, even if you didn’t make it all the way through.”

“I guess when you put it like that, then sure. The money just dried up, is all. So, ’ve been workin’ at Henrik’s as a manager, at least to save up enough to go back or just do freelance. ‘S how I met Donna, actually! She used to be my manager, and then she’s working with you, right?”

James sighed dramatically, making Rose giggle. “Unfortunately. Care to take her back? I could use a day without a headache.”

“Um, no! She’ll have to fight me for the position, I make way more now!” 

They both laughed, finding that it was an easy thing to do. Rose admitted that she found him extremely easy to talk to. He probably didn’t realize it, but she did notice that as the night had worn on, they were drawing closer together. His eyes crinkled when he laughed, and his light dusting of freckles weren’t noticeable until she was within touching distance. She didn’t remember a time when she felt so comfortable around someone she barely knew for more than a few hours.

She was in the midst of talking about her art project and how annoying expensive Winsor & Newton gouache paint was when she briefly checked her phone and saw the time. “James, oh my god.”

“What?”

She showed him her phone lock screen. “It’s almost midnight! We’ve been out here for ages!”

James checked his own phone, likely to mimic her shock. A quick look around the pub proved that there were only a few stragglers left behind. “So it is. Blimey. Good thing tomorrow’s Saturday.”

Rose sighed. “Ugh, not me. Have to open tomorrow.”

James sighed, looking disappointed. A text from what James assumed to be a friend came up on her screen, showing the background she had showed when she complained about the time.

“Who is that, on your phone screen?” he asked, curious.

Rose picked up her phone, clicking the home button and grinning when she saw it. “Oh, ‘s my little brother, Tony. Mum had ‘im with a man she met when I was a teenager. He lives with them now, helps out with rent. Tony will be 8 next year.” She looked contemplative, putting the phone in her lap and dropping her gaze. “He really shouldn’t be there. I want them all off the estate. ‘S not safe for a little boy to grow up.”

James seemed to bend his head a bit to get her to look back at him, almost to entice her to get out of her own head. “You got out, right? I’m… I’m sure if you’re anything to go by, I think your family’s a tough nut to crack, so to speak.”

Rose snorted in an unladylike way, thinking of her mum. “ _That_ is putting it mildly.”

She saw him lick his lips, likely wanting to say something. She waited for him to build up his courage, and eventually he did. “Rose, I’m not normally this forward but… I’d very much like to see you again.”

She saw his ears turn pink, and she couldn’t help but find his shyness endearing. She wondered if he was just as inexperienced as she was at this dating business. “I’d very much like to see you too, James.” She ducked her head, suddenly feeling shy herself as a wide grin spread across her face beyond her control. She couldn’t help but notice that they were barely a foot apart. “This has been really nice, spending time with you. I’m glad I got to meet you, officially at least. Thanks Donna.”

James chuckled, tentatively holding out his palm to her. “Mind if I walk you out?”

“Certainly.”

Exiting the pub after paying, the chill in the air was finally here as the humidity of the early evening had disappeared. Rose shivered.

“Oops. Wish I brought a coat to drape over you. Some gentleman I am…”

Rose nudged him in the shoulder. “Like you said, tough nut to crack. Little chill won’t bother me.”

To her surprise, she felt his hand encompass hers. It was warm, and inviting, and she laced her fingers through his. She no longer felt the chill, much to her chagrin. When she looked up at him, she saw that he was gazing at her.

“Is this okay?” he asked quietly.

She nodded her head. “Yes.”

His giant smile was sending butterflies straight to her stomach and she wanted them to quiet down. 

After explaining that she would be catching a taxi, Rose and James stopped near a sidewalk to await Rose’s ride home, despite James offering to do it for her.

“I promise I’ll be fine. I live like a 20 minutes’ drive from here.”

“I know but… I just want to be chivalrous, so help me.”

Rose giggled, the tongue between teeth smile on her face again as payback for all the times he made her blush on a first bloody date. “How do I know you won’t take me back and murder me? Add me to your collection of busts on the wall, right next to the call girl from last week?”

James made a mock offended face. “How did you know my master plan all along?”

Rose giggled, followed by James, and they both found themselves holding each other up in one other’s arms, unable to stop laughing for no apparent reason, even if the joke wasn’t even that funny. As their laughing quieted, the realization that they were close enough to kiss sobered them up quickly.

The moment was ruined when the taxi pulled up, tearing their attention away. 

“When would you like to meet again?” James asked, not taking his eyes off of her. 

Rose didn’t understand how this was happening so quickly, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. “I… I’m free Tuesday. You?”

“Same. After 5pm? We can work something out over the weekend, if you want.”

Rose nodded her head yes, finding that she lost the ability to speak. To her surprise, he lifted the hand he was already holding, and placed a gentle kiss on the inside of her wrist, shutting his eyes briefly and then opening them to meet hers. She was surprised at its intimacy, yet it still remained brief.

Oh, now he was just being unfair. If he was going to be brave, then so was she.

“I’ll see you soon, Rose. It’s been wonderful. Truly.” 

His face of pleasant surprise when she placed a lingering kiss on his cheek was enough for her to swell with pride. When she pulled back to see his face, she wondered if she broke him.

“I’ll text you, James. See you soon.” And with that, she got into the taxi, enjoying the sight of him touching the area where she kissed him.

* * *

She found out the text was from Jeanne, wondering where she was and that she was going to bed. As expected, when Rose returned, she quietly opened the door to the dark flat to find that the room was silent. Jeanne was likely asleep by now, as it was 12:30 by the time she got back from the taxi.

She hated to admit it, but she liked James. She really liked James. Her lips were still tingling from when she kissed him on the cheek, and after a long time of neglect, warmth was pooling in her belly. She’d be lying if she didn’t want to see him again. She didn’t know him well, but she felt drawn to him in ways that she couldn’t understand. There was just something about him that made him attractive and inviting. Not to mention he wasn’t bad to look at, either. The conversation they held was never awkward or uncomfortable, and if anything, it wasn’t what she expected from a first date. She expected the casual ‘get to know each other’ talk, yet the flow of their chatting was incredibly laid back and unassuming. He was humble, and kind, and was by all accounts respectful towards her.

Rose sighed as she got ready for bed. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she had met him somewhere. He seemed familiar, but she couldn’t place why. She hadn’t seen his face before, yet it was how he talked and expressed himself that rang a bell. Rose shrugged it off. If anything, they had chemistry, which was important in the end. 

She went to bed, dreaming of his lips on her wrist and how they felt, and how much she wanted them closer.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start school on Tuesday, and will be driving up to be dropped off tomorrow, so if I don't update for long periods after that, then that is why. Curse basic adult responsibilities! I do plan to write during the 3 hour drive up, though, so hopefully by the time I'm settled back into my dorm I have something to submit. Now on with the show!

The sound of the flat door slamming shut brought Donna away from The Lion King playing on the TV. Simba and Nala were walking down the beautifully rendered waterfall when her brother had come home. She was grinning like a cat that caught the canary by the time she looked up to meet his eyes. She knew what was going to come out of his mouth next.

“You set me up… with Rose Tyler?” 

Donna only smiled wider, giggling. “Normal brothers just say, ‘thank you’.”

James inhaled, then let out a breath as he slowly walked over to plant himself against the couch with her. He leaned back against the couch flat, staring at nothing. “You set me up… with _Rose Tyler_!”

Donna sipped her tea, turning up the volume to the telly right when “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” was reaching its climax, with Simba and Nala tumbling down the hill. James promptly turned the TV off with an unimpressed expression. Was she watching that film before his return just for that gag? Knowing Donna, probably.

“Okay, seriously. What… how… explain yourself! How the hell do you know her? And why didn’t you say something earlier?”

Donna gave him an incredulous expression. “I didn’t know! I never met her when you last saw her! Sorry that I don’t have your super-computer sized memory. I didn’t even realize she was that Rose until I stopped working at Henrik’s.”

“That was 6 months ago!”

Donna once again smirked. “Yeah, it was, wasn’t it? Strange how time flies.”

“Donna!”

“Hey, I had to be absolutely sure. And she was _that_ Rose Tyler. Wanna know how I eventually figured it out? Because you never shut up about her when you guys were like this—” Donna twisted her middle and index finger together, “and it dawned on me that karma’s a bitch and she’s back to sweep you off your feet again. Once I knew, I just had to get the timing right, of course.”

James groaned, annoyed. “Donna, it… she… you know why I didn’t talk to her again. I couldn’t deal with it. Not after what happened at home.” James ran a hand through his hair in a way that Donna recognized as halfway between fury and panic. “I was so scared she would just… be disgusted with me. And you bring her back into my life like this, without a heads up. Why do this?”

Donna smacked him on his arm, causing him to yelp. “Because you deserve to be happy, you idiot!”

James stayed silent, not having a retort to that. It was a valid reason. Yet it was one that Donna shouldn’t feel responsible for. That made him feel even worse. 

“It’s been _10 years_ , Donna. 10. Years.”

“It has indeed been 10 years. Great, you can count, bravo. But I’ll bet you had the best damn time of your life, didn’t ya?”

James proceeded to look at his toes as though it were the most interesting thing in the room. He nodded, rubbing a hand down his face as he couldn’t help but admit it. “ _God_ yes.” Donna rubbed at his arm as a ghost of a smile spread across his face. “She’s still the same. The Rose I remember. Open-minded and friendly and passionate. She’s as beautiful as the last time I saw her and full of life and…” He stopped, realizing that Donna was staring at him with an eager smile, and the blush that he thought was gone the moment his date was over had returned. “Oh no, I’m in trouble, aren’t I.”

Donna’s smile was so wide that it could have split her face.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that!” James chastised, but her smile was contagious as his cheeks were starting to hurt. He hid his face in his hands, embarrassed about his own emotions. 

Donna shoved her shoulder against his, and she couldn’t help but notice the change in him from the moment he walked back into the room, ducking his head bashfully in a way that she hadn’t seen before, if ever. “You had the _biggest_ crush on her back then, and nothin’s changed obviously.” She took his hand. “The real question is though… are you going to let her in this time? Because I know for a damn fact that you haven’t told her anything.”

James sighed. “I haven’t told her who I am, at least who she remembers me as. How could I? I… I didn’t want to make it awkward, we were talking and feeling each other out. I could tell by the way she looked at me that she doesn’t recognize me at all. For god’s sake, it’s been so long, we might as well be strangers.”

Donna hugged him against his side, which he accepted but didn’t reciprocate. “I’m so happy for you. Both of you, you daft idiots. You plannin’ for a second date?”

“Yeah, we made sure to contact one another in order to plan for Tuesday.”

“Wonderful! You can tell her then.”

James stiffened next to her, his stomach in knots. “You make it sound stupidly easy.”

His sister gave him an apologetic smile. “I know it’s not. I… I can’t imagine how nerve wracking it is for you to tell people, but I’ve got a good feeling about this, James.” 

He didn’t seem impressed with her answer. Donna was aware of his previous attempts to date, only to end in the women suddenly claiming their disinterest after his honesty (regardless of how good the date was). She could imagine that after a while his heart became guarded, expecting the rejection. Admittedly, it had. It wasn’t necessarily based on a burden, but more of a consequence of the choices he made in order to be happy. Donna was one of the few people that he could trust who understood that.

“We’re not kids anymore, Donna. I’m… well, I look the part now. I’m a grown man. I’m not the scrawny little thing she found anymore. What stops her from bein’ like all the others? Who realizes that I can’t give her—” 

Donna wasn’t sure if she wanted to comfort her brother or smack him, cutting him off before he could finish. “James, if you knew her at all, you should know that she will absolutely accept you for you. If there’s one thing I know about her is that she’s such a sweetheart. She doesn’t want to hurt a soul. Even if she doesn’t get it, she will. She won’t be malicious, if I’m goin’ by what I’ve seen from her over this past year. You’re _safe_.”

She watched as her brother almost wilt before her, though there was hope in his eyes. “I wish I could believe you, without a doubt. But I’m praying you’re right.”

* * *

Martha Jones reapplied her blush in the restroom, wondering what had gotten into Dr. Noble. He was distracted and stuck in his own head that day, though not negatively so. All she wanted to do was get her few hours in before cramming for an exam that evening, and yet anytime she was asking a question regarding her work in the moment, Dr. Noble would appear as though he hadn’t heard her, and she had to repeat herself. She shook her head, assuming it was just an off day for him. It was Monday, after all.

Donna Noble, the newest nurse to grace the pediatric office, entered the restroom right when Martha was preparing to leave. “Oh, good morning, Not-Quite Doctor Jones.”

Martha smiled. “Morning, Donna, how was your weekend?”

Her satisfied smirk caused her curiosity to spike. “Bloody brilliant.”

“Oh yeah? Do tell me the gossip.” Martha knew Donna always had something fun to talk about as she casually leaned against the bathroom wall. She didn’t talk to the redhead often, as they had different hours most days, but whenever she did she liked exchanging pleasantries with her.

Donna chortled. “There really isn’t a need to. James is bein’ so obvious. I could tell you were ready to strangle him the second time he visited Cloud 9.”

Martha shook her head, not understanding. “Cloud 9?” She suddenly grinned, doubting where her thought process was going but couldn’t help it. “Wait, does he have…?”

The redhead nodded her head, before entering a stall. Things were casual enough between them that they didn’t seem to care. “Oh yes, finally! Had never seen him this smitten before in my life! I can finally die in peace.”

Martha laughed, understanding that Donna had been desperate to help her little brother out. She wasn’t sure why, but she could only assume that they were just very close, though Donna was almost motherly in her actions, even around the office to her fellow collogues. 

She couldn’t help but notice, too, that the person who was currently interning her was talked about often in the office. Specifically, by the nurses around her age. Admittedly, she could understand why. James was certainly handsome and enough of a catch to warrant their affections, and not much older than all of them, too. 

Martha noticed, also, that said young nurses’ attempts to flirt had fallen flat. She even admitted to doing it, just for good fun, only to be met with the same sentiment. James was not affected by the pretty girls in his office space, and if anything seemed to purposefully brush off their advances, despite his lack of wedding ring. It puzzled her to no end, as he never gave hints that he was gay. The news Donna had given her had surprised her to say the least. He was already an enigma, and during her short time with him she could tell he was just a very private man. It didn’t help that she was working with him to learn the ropes, because that required that she at least understand him at some level. She felt like there was a block, something that made him push himself away from others. And she likely will never know why.

Her thoughts came back to Donna, who was in the midst of talking about something she wasn’t paying attention to. “Sorry Donna, I’ve been distracted a bit. Can’t seem to get out of my head this morning. I don’t have an appointment with Dr. Noble until midmorning, though. Did you want to grab a coffee together?”

“Well sure, I can help you review what I said while you zoned out.”

Martha shook her head. These two were impossible.

* * *

Jeanne was ready to pounce Rose when she came back home that early evening. Monday was busy for the both of them and they had rightfully collapsed in bed without a word to one another, yet now she was dying to know how Rose faired during the past weekend. 

She had cornered Rose once she set down her stuff on the couch, barely home for more than a minute. “Soooo…”

Rose chuckled. “Yeah, okay, I tortured you long enough. God, I hate our jobs.”

Jeanne slapped her shoulder repeatedly, urging her to talk. “Shut up, tell me how it went! Please! I’ve been wanting to know for days!”

Rose giggled, hiding her mouth with her hand. She was excited for tonight. Within hours she would see him again and she couldn’t wait. “It was lovely, really. The date was lovely. We… we just talked, for hours. About everythin’.”

Jeanne didn’t appear impressed. “That’s it?”

Rose rolled her eyes. “It was a first date and Donna set me up with someone I didn’t know! What was I gonna do? Run off with him on a stallion into the sunset?”

“Um, yeah, isn’t that how all first dates go?” Jeanne joked, earning her a shove. “But like… how was he? What was he like?”

“Well… it was kinda strange at first. I felt like I could talk to him easily. Like, we just met and we’re already talkin’ about everything under the sun as though we’ve always been super close. As if nothing changed between us, but I never met him before. It’s what felt special to me, I guess.”

“Huh. I mean, that’s a good start, right?”

Rose looked at her hands in her lap, as though she was a little girl talking about her first crush and it was amusing Jeanne to no end. “He was gentle, and nice, had a lovely sense of humor. Once I got him talking he opened up a bit. He was kinda shy at first, almost looked ready to run when we met. Oh my god, though, he’s really smart, too. Told me he got bored getting a PhD in bloody _astrophysics_ and goes on to be a doctor.”

“Pfffft, blokes say that to talk out their own arse, Rose. But I mean… if you say he’s genuine, then I can only believe you, what with you drooling next to me.”

Rose then appeared thoughtful. “There was one thing, though, that had me confused. ‘S probably all in my head but… I feel like I’ve met him before? Somewhere? Like he was familiar, with the way he talked or maybe the way he felt around me? It was weird. But it wasn’t bad, it was just like comin’ back to someone you haven’t been around in a while. I dunno.”

The image of him in her mind brought her back to that moment, when he kissed her on the wrist. She hated to admit it, but Rose did like him, probably past the point of infatuation. Not to mention she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he would feel like against her, his hand in hers and—

“Earth to Rose Tyler!” Jeanne said, waving a hand in front of her face. Rose hadn’t even realized she was in her own head, and that Jeanne had previously been saying something to her. “You hear me at all?”

By Rose’s rather spectacular blush, Jeanne nearly started cackling at the way Rose was acting. “Oh my god, this is beyond hilarious. You’re already head over heels for this bloke and you barely know him!”

“Shut up, Jeanne!” Rose laughed, throwing a couch pillow at her. “Leave me alone!”

“Not until you promise me that you’re meeting him on a second date. Please tell me you are.”

Rose nodded, an eager smile on her lips beyond her control. “I see him tonight, same time as last time. Said he thought it would be nice to take a stroll through the park, though he said he wanted to actually sit down to a meal beforehand since we literally only talked last time. We were so engrossed that we didn’t order any food like we were expected to.” 

Jeanne’s teasing smile was replaced by a more genuine one. “Rose, I’m happy for you. You’re glowing, you really are. He’s good for you, I think.”

“So far, at least.”

“Oh, don’t say that! You’ve been out of luck with men for ages. It’s about time someone didn’t give you a hard time. Well…” Jeanne gave her a naughty smirk and a quirk of her eyebrow. “Perhaps not _now_ , but eventually, when you two are alone—”

Rose once again smacked her with a couch pillow, making Jeanne’s hair get staticky. “I can’t believe you made that pun. You’re no longer my roommate, get out.”

The two friends laughed, easing any of Rose’s remaining nerves she had. It was going to be brilliant, and she didn’t have to wait long to experience how brilliant it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Martha does have a bit of a role in this story outside of a supporting character, hence her part in this chapter. This was a bit of a filler, if I'm gonna be honest. It was made to set up the next chapter, as well as establish where all the characters are at the moment.
> 
> The second date will be a doozy next chapter... just sayin' folks. Be prepared, because there will be happy sunshine rainbows and delicious angst :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is guys, the anticipated second date, and it's twice as long as normal for good reason. Brace yourselves! *covers head* Also some parts get a little nsfw but there's nothing super serious to worry about, nothing graphic or anything.
> 
> I forgot to mention. Since Rose and the Doctor are closer in age in his story versus what we see in the show, I should give you a visual reference of how I'm picturing James. It's easy to picture Rose because we've seen her a few years older than 19.
> 
> So, for your viewing pleasure: [DT from L.A. Without A Map](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/17/ed/51/17ed51920f345d41b14eb368c8499623.png) is the more likely visual of what I'm picturing for James, as DT is literally 27 in that film, about the same age as James. Hopefully this helps, as DT is older by quite a few years when he played the Doctor. I know this sometimes throws me off when writing.

James bounced on the balls of his feet, eagerly awaiting his date near the small, quaint little diner he hadn’t been to in a decade. It was across town from his childhood home, and he remembered it fondly. When he had texted Rose, he told her about the place and that it wouldn’t require anything fancy, just to come casually. He was eager to see her without being dolled up, though if he was honest she could come in dressed in rags and he would think she was beautiful.

He shook his head to himself, once again adjusting the sleeves to his shirt underneath his black leather jacket. He was so embarrassingly smitten already that he was addressing her in his head as someone he wanted to stay with. The thought terrified him. He hardly saw her for more than a few hours after a decade of silence. He wondered if he was truly losing his sanity. His mind was screaming at him that he shouldn’t feel that way, yet here he was. 

While Donna did encourage him to dress a certain way, because of course she did, he was sure that his casual appearance was up to standards much to Donna’s chagrin. Sporting a white dress shirt with decorative lines contouring vertically down his torso, with a pair of jeans and hair artfully tussled as per usual, he thought he looked dashing enough, yet casual to a point where he was comfortable. Sometimes the form-fitted shirts that he was encouraged to wear made him feel a bit exposed, but as he passed the shops on his way from his car and saw his reflection in the glass, he was pleased to see that it didn’t showcase areas that he was the most uncomfortable with. He forced himself to stop overthinking. She would be here any minute and he wanted to get out of his head. 

He felt a tap on his shoulder, and when he turned to look he was pleased to see that it was indeed Rose, and he couldn’t help himself as he took her in. She had a pink plaid, three-quarter sleeved shirt on that was tucked into jean shorts, with black leggings shielding her legs from the mild chill of autumn. Over her shirt she had a jean jacket on, with a multicolored knitted scarf around her neck, which looked homemade. Her hair once again looked soft enough to touch, though it was put into pinktale braids. She looked positively adorable, a considerable difference than their first night out. It made him feel like he was seeing her in her every day attire, rather than on a date. It made her look prettier, in his eyes.

“Well hello, stranger, never seen you ‘round here before,” Rose teased, her smile the tongue-between-teeth grin that he associated with her. James had a feeling she did that on purpose, just to make him squirm. It was working, not that he minded.

He found himself giggling, loving the little game she started. “Hello yourself, person I definitely do not know for absolute sure.” He winked, making Rose giggle herself as she launched into him in a hug. Instantly he melted into her, inhaling her perfume as he tried to tamper down his desire to linger.

When they separated, he instantly noticed that they were both itching to step away, to not make it awkward. “’S lovely to see you again, how’s your week been so far?”

“Oh, it’s been all right, nothing too dramatic,” James said. “The never-ending flu epidemic continues, but at least I’ve not caught anything yet.” Eyeing the planted tree on the sidewalk, he knocked his fist against the trunk, which made Rose laugh. “Shall we enter?”

“Yeah, ‘course!” Rose said, taking his arm and looping it with hers. “What made you want to come here?”

“The TARDIS Café is a nice little diner I used to go to a lot as a kid. My parents and sister and I used to come here after we got out of school sometimes. It’s got a lot of different things, a bit of a melting pot of different cultures if you will. They’ve got everything from American to Chinese to a fusion of all of the above, you name it. It makes the menu a bit bloated but, eh, more to choose.”

Rose appeared thoughtful. “Sounds familiar, actually. It’s not that far from the estates. Did you live around here growin’ up?”

James stilled. He realized his mistake. He was close to his mother’s house, where he grew up, and of course Rose would recognize it, as they used to live close to each other. He mentally slapped himself for it, blinded by nostalgia to think. Rose wasn’t a fool to not figure that one out. “Oh um… yeah, I mean, not super close, but close enough. I grew up somewhere across town.” He was thankful that Rose dropped it and didn’t ask about it further.

Once again they were in a place to eat, and he vowed to start a date differently after this. He had agreed with her that getting dinner officially would have been nice, after they both went to bed with stomachs growling the last time. Unfortunately, he was seated across from Rose in a blue-colored booth, unable to sit next to her. Damn it. 

“You got an appetite, Rose Tyler?” James asked, a twinkle in his eye as he placed the napkin in his lap.

“Don’t expect me to get some stupid salad,” Rose quipped back.

“Fantastic, because the serving sizes here are a bit ridiculous,” James laughed. “I mean… when you fuse some American in there, there’s bound to be bigger portions.”

“Oh no, are we goin’ to have ta roll each other out?” Rose said as she sipped her water.

“Pfffft, unless you want to.”

“’M starvin’, though, so honestly I wouldn’t mind. Don’t want to feel bloated, though, gotta be honest,” she said.

“Yeah, the same with me,” James admitted. “I planned to order something off the Indian part of the menu. No American there.” He flipped through the menu until he came upon a section that lit up a memory. “Oh!”

“What?”

“I remember this,” James said, and he almost appeared to be talking to himself, but his voice was directed at her. “My dad used to always order a drink, bit of alcohol, when we came. I can still smell the bourbon slushy he always got. Never had it before, not since I left. That and I was underage. God, this takes me back.”

Rose had a mischievous smirk on her face that delighted James, though he had a feeling he knew what she was going to suggest. “Then why not? You’re here now.”

James chuckled, leaning back in his booth as he draped his arm across the seat. “Oh, heavens no, the bourbon here is notoriously strong. Somehow I didn’t inherit my dad’s ability to handle anything harder than a ginger ale. I never remembered him walkin’ out of here like he forgot how to move his legs.”

“Coward,” came Rose’s quiet taunt. It made him lift is eyebrows, delightfully surprised at her comment. Oh, she was fun. And can be flirty when she wanted to. Minx.

His left eyebrow lifted into an amused expression. “Are you suggesting…?”

“That you’re chicken? Maybe.” Rose winked at him, her smile tilted into a grin that made him feel just a bit turned on. 

“Chicken? Oh, now you’re inviting trouble, Rose Tyler,” he said, his tone lower. He paused dramatically to sip his water, before saying, “Takes one to know one.”

Rose’s lips formed an ‘o’, scoffing. “Says the skinny bloke. Bet you can’t handle a bottle of Half Mast.”

Rose knew she dented his ego when he gave her a determined, yet playful, scowl. “Okay, you know what? Fine, I’ll prove it to you. Let’s see who’s more sloshed after one glass.”

Rose giggled at him, holding a hand to her mouth to avoid laughing out loud. “Oh my god, is it really that strong or are you just a lightweight?”

“I mean it when I say it’s strong. I mean, you’re not going to get ridiculously drunk or anything, it just packs quite the punch. I am a lightweight, though.”

“Takes one to know one,” Rose said back, her elbows on the table as she put her hands to her face. 

In the back of his mind, James knew this was probably on all levels of bad, but the laid-back atmosphere and the nature of his date was making him brave. Rose felt more and more like a best friend. A best friend he really, really wanted to kiss until they were breathless. 

As they had their meal, Rose complimented the food, believing James in his choice that the TARDIS Café was an interesting location to have good food. Having drinks on an empty stomach, however, was not something they wanted to cross, no matter how fun it probably would have been. At least, James thought it would be. He did know, however, that his patients needed him the next morning, and he couldn’t tend to them hungover.

James came to notice Rose as they talked and finished their meal. The way she interacted with people warmed him. When talking with the waiter, he could tell by her inflection that she understood them, in a sense. He knew she grew up on the estates, where she likely had to get a job young in order to help her mum out. He was thankful that his family didn’t struggle financially, or had to worry about losing it all, yet he felt spoiled at this fact despite never growing up rich. He worked his way through school, with help from his father, yet the fact that Rose was still remaining so kind and considerate of those around her despite that struggle made him admire her. He could tell that she had been there before, been the waitress or the retail worker that was treated rudely by customers who think they’re always right, had worked long hours past her ended shift and went overtime to get the extra pound. Her every attempt to make those around her feel at ease made his head spin. He didn’t think he could fall for her any harder, and he was once again proven wrong.

His thoughts were cut short, when he noticed Rose give him a knowing smirk, waggling her eyebrows once to indicate their ‘challenge’ was about to begin. He rolled his eyes, smirking right back at her. 

“Ready to lose?” she said, a daring look on her face. He couldn’t tell if she was trying to be flirty or competitive. Both. Both was good.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied back, a flirty smile of his own on his lips. The waiter had, just in time, approached their table to ask if there was anything else they wanted, and they both ordered the bourbon slushy immediately.

James had clearly forgotten what his dad’s serving of it was, for when they received it he was shocked that it was a tall, 8-ounce glass, as he would expect a serving to be half that. Clearly his father was made of steel.

Rose was immediately sipping it, yet he could only stare, at a loss. Of course, Rose antagonized him for it.

“Backing out already?” 

James scoffed, taking the glass in his hand, inhaling a big gulp just to shut her up. It was dangerously sweet tasting. If he was naïve he would have thought he drank juice. He pointed a finger at her. “Nobody… calls me chicken.”

Rose held back her mouth with her hand, snorting. “M’kay, Marty McFly, I know you think you’re impressive.”

“Excuse me, I _am_ impressive.”

Rose took a few sips of her slushy as her eyes trailed down his body before coming back to his face. “’M sure that you are.” 

James gaped, blinking, before gulping some more of his beverage down to avoid letting his mind go _there_. Was it hot in here, or was it just him?

Halfway through their glasses and he wasn’t feeling too much yet. He did feel warmer, a bit looser, but otherwise fine. Rose’s cheeks were adorably pink and so were her ears, and it made him chuckle out loud.

“What?” she said, eager to finish her drink.

“Nothin’, you’re just all… pink ‘nd yellow,” he said.

Rose looked at him like he’d gone mad. “Are we drunk already?” She couldn’t stop smiling, and he could tell he had the advantage.

James took her comments as a challenge as he took several gulps of his drink. “Don’t feel a thing,” he said once he took a breath. He absolutely saw her watch his throat bob. She was less inconspicuous with booze in her.

It seemed that the meals had a positive impact on them, for there wasn’t much to be felt by the time drink one was complete. Rose looked a bit tipsier than he was, which he smirked at.

“Round two?” he said, a smile forming on his face. He found himself wanting to laugh without a clear reason why, and he held back the giggle that wanted to come out. Oh dear, he spoke too soon as his drink had kicked in later than hers. He could feel it seep into his system now. But he already put the option out there, he couldn’t back down now.

Rose tilted the glass back to get the last drop, nodding her head and crossing her arms. “’M no quitter. ‘M feelin’ a little buzzed, wouldn’t mind some more if you’re not backin’ down.”

James found it cute how much her accent loosened the more intoxicated she became. It was incredibly endearing. “Challenge accepted, then.”

Soon enough their glasses were refilled. James’s tipsy brain told him he probably shouldn’t continue if he knew anything about the TARDIS Café bourbon slushy, but somehow the competitiveness of his date was making him lose his cautious conscience. Not to mention, he felt his carefully crafted façade fade away as he let himself drop his guard beyond his own control. It felt freeing, just laughing and being with her. He never wanted it to stop. He wanted to be this way with her forever, to feel her in his arms as he let his worries slip away and the feeling of being home consume him. When he looked at her, he felt that sense of belonging, one he craved more than anything. And he was fast becoming addicted to that feeling.

A delightful sway to the room when he moved his head back from his drink made him chortle, looking back at Rose to see that she was almost done with her second drink. She looked just as amused as he was about nothing in particular.

He heard Rose hiccup across from him. “Oops, ‘cuse me,” she said, covering her mouth and flushing. She was ducking her head a bit, as if embarrassed, her cheeks already flushed from the alcohol. Her eyes looked glazed, too, he noted. “Guess ‘m switchin’ to water.”

Rose paused when she saw James tilt the glass back and finish it all in one go, him setting the glass down with an audible clink, his eyes never leaving her. He let out a breath, looking at her with amusement. “Guess I win then.” His smile was smug, and he knew that Rose wanted to smack it off of him.

“You arse!” she giggled, pushing her hair away from her face. She had long since taken off her jean jacket and scarf from the warmth of the room and the drinks, leaving her in just the pink plaid shirt that was buttoned just a bit lower than he remembered it being.

Oh no, he _really_ shouldn’t be thinking those thoughts when he was half-way drunk, but Rose was quick to notice his eyes were looking anywhere other than hers and she bit her lip to keep from a laugh bubbling upwards. She was pretty close to drunk, too.

“My eyes are up here, James,” she said. When had her voice sounded husky like that? 

James didn’t appear phased by her declaration. She didn’t look offended either, not that she was able to. He smirked, blinking his eyes a bit as he felt his lips become pleasantly numb, licking them to give them feeling again. Rose was looking, too. “Guess ‘m switchin’ to water ‘s well, then,” he slurred.

Rose was practically cackling across from him. “Oh my god, you’re sloshed!” she giggled. “I win, I win, I win!”

“I had more than you, though!” he whined, drinking his water. “Finish it ‘nd then we’ll see who’s the real winner.”

Rose rolled her eyes before doing as he said, not looking phased. By all accounts, it was just a few extra gulps. It wouldn’t account for much. But James didn’t really care, he was enjoying this game. This game of how much longer he could take the tension before they do something other than give each other heated glances. Wait, just how drunk was he, anyway?

“Hold on,” James said, holding back another giggle. It was getting harder to do so. He really shouldn’t have trusted the TARDIS Café bourbon slushy. “’S like 9 o’clock! What are we still doin’ ‘ere?”

Rose was laughing again. “We were going to take a stroll through the park, yeah?”

“That’s the plan at least!” he said. He wondered if their voices were louder than usual. No one was looking at them, though. Not that he much cared.

“Then let’s get outta here, then,” she said, fishing out a tip as they paid and left. Admittedly, though, when he got up to take Rose’s lovely warm hand the room swam dangerously. He held the booth for a second before walking out with her, as she was looking a bit dizzy herself. He found that his worry for tomorrow didn’t come, as the presence of Rose eased the tension that he constantly built up. It was exhausting, to keep it there, and he found that as the night went on he didn’t want to build it up again. The alcohol was, if anything, breaking it down even further.

The park was practically empty, but the fog that started to settle over the air was inviting as the evening became humid again. The constant flux of temperatures made the fog moderately thick, enough to make the lamps lighting the path glow. The moon was out, enough to not leave them in pitch blackness. It was a delightful experience for James and Rose as they stumbled about into a field, their bodies practically glued together.

“I actually have a coat this time!” James said. “You cold?”

“No, ‘ve got a coat, too, silly goose,” she said, pulling him towards an area where some wildflowers were blooming, likely in an area that wasn’t as well trimmed. She was drawn to how lovely it was, with the moon shining in just the right spot and it was a place where she and him could sit down. She almost tripped on her own foot, when James was there to hold onto her before she hit the ground.

“Whoa, there, ‘ve got you,” he said. “You suuuuure you’ve won? Dunno… practically trippin’ over air.”

When he hiccupped against her, she burst out laughing, her head against his chest. He was trying not to stumble over himself, despite an extra body being attached to him. “James… James, babe, I think you’ve lost.”

He hiccupped again. “Preposterous! ‘ve not lost! I simply refuse to lose!”

“’S not how this works,” she giggled, her arms wrapping around his waist as the warmth emanating from him made her feel relaxed. “You’re more sloshed than I am, and we had the same number of drinks, so I win. Go on, say it.”

He sighed in an overly dramatic fashion, tilting his head back and giving Rose a view of his neck. “Okay, _fine_ , you win. You happy now? Are you?” She nodded her head, cheering gleefully as he groaned. “I should’ve stopped at the first drink.”

Rose shook her head. “I’m glad you didn’t, you’re cute when you’re drunk.”

James’s glazed-over eyes took her in with a slightly parted mouth. “Yeah? You think ‘m cute?”

Rose looked back down at his chest, which she realized she was still attached to, before meeting his eyes. “’Course I do, why wouldn’t I?”

James licked his lips, watching as Rose saw him do it. “Dunno. Just wanted to hear you say it.”

Rose’s expression had softened. “Arrogant prat.”

James’s low sounding laugh sent shivers through her, since he was so close. He ducked his head down closer to her ear, saying, “I’ll have you know that you’re cuter.”

She looked at him as if he were daft. “Are we seriously turning compliments into a competition now?”

“Why not? You scared of losin’?”

“No. I don’t care if I win.”

James quirked his eyebrow at that, though it looked a bit silly since he was still a bit intoxicated. He once again bent his head down to talk into her ear, and he smiled when Rose shivered at the contact. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

He didn’t pull back, the alcohol buzzing in his blood making him brave. The scent of her perfume on her skin near her neck was driving him crazy. He shut his eyes, the warmth of her skin so tantalizing that he was begging for permission.

Rose lifted her own head to curl into his chest, her face catching his own scent as she whispered, “I could barely think of anything but your smile and how much I wanted to see you today. I’ve never… felt so close and comfortable with someone as I do with you.”

She heard him chuckle quietly in her ear, puzzling her. He then said to her, “I think I win this time.”

She scoffed in mock offense, pulling herself back to look at him as his eyes sparkled with mischief behind the slight glassiness. Feeling the nape of his neck, she pulled him down to clash her lips to his.

James gasped in surprise, his eyes falling shut as her lips felt as supple as they looked. He could taste the lemonade and orange juice used to mix the bourbon slushy on her mouth, and he wanted more. The kiss quickly turned passionate, his hands pulling her closer as her hands tugged at the hairs on the back of his neck. He heard Rose right in his ear as he trailed hot, nipping kisses down her neck as her eyes fell shut. 

“James…” she said breathlessly, as she felt his hands wander lower to her waist. She pulled him back to meet her lips, nipping his bottom lip and digging her nails under his jacket, into his back.

“ _Fucking_ hell, Rose,” James breathed. “I’ve wanted you all night.” He squeaked when she pulled away briefly to grab the lapels of his jacket, slamming him back against a nearby tree as she hungrily met his lips again. James felt her getting handsy herself, her hands trailing down his torso as she was tugging at the buttons near his chest. She managed to unbutton a few near his sternum, to feel any kind of skin and the sensation of it was enough to drive him mad. Her hands felt warm and lovely against him, and he was greedy for more contact, anything to get her closer. He never wanted her to stop touching him, her body pressed against his as he felt her nipples harden through her bra. 

Through his tipsy daze he brought his hands back up to her waist to feel her perky breasts, and he nearly moaned at the feeling of them as Rose began kissing her way behind his ear and down his pulse point, moaning herself at the feeling of his hands through her shirt. So many times, he had fantasized about feeling them, and if it wasn’t so chilly outside he would have done everything to strip the annoying fabric away to put his mouth to them. He pushed her left breast upward, pinching the nipple through the fabric and making Rose cry out against him. That was at least the next best thing as he laughed breathily at making her squirm.

He wondered if he was dreaming, wondering if what was happening to him was real. He was kissing Rose Tyler and he never thought he would be here. He couldn’t bring himself to care that they were both a little tipsy now, and that they were practically tearing at each other’s clothes, but the overwhelming desire to be close to her, to let her inside his heart was enough to bypass the part of him that wanted to stay hidden. He wanted to cry at how much he craved this, how much he told himself he didn’t need this, yet he was kissing her like he was starving for affection. 

Somehow he got the buttons undone on her plaid shirt, his mouth practically licking her cleavage as he felt Rose pant and tug at his hair and use her other hand to trail her way down his body. This was heaven, this was real. He wanted nothing more than to stay there, to be with her and let the world burn, to cast away its prejudices and accept that she was here and nothing else mattered, and he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

That is… until he felt Rose’s palm cup his crotch. Suddenly, all that he felt melted away into horror.

James pulled away from her lips with a wet pop, his eyes wide. His heart hammered in his chest. He couldn’t bring himself to breathe. Suddenly the bourbon coursing in his system no longer warmed his belly and turned it into a knot. Rose stopped her movements, where she was originally kissing her way up his chest. Her eyes showed hurt, and he wanted to scream. James wanted to disappear again. The illusion was shattered. How could he have been so stupid to believe—

“James? James, what’s goin’ on? Are you okay?” Rose asked, cupping his face with a caress so soft that he wanted to weep. Rose dropped her eyes to look under her lashes. “Did I do something wrong?”

James was immediately ready to come to her defense. “No! Rose, no, you’ve done nothing wrong, what’s—”

“’S just, when I felt you, you weren’t…”

His throat closed up, but he swallowed it down. Donna’s words echoed in his mind, and the instinct to run was overwhelming. He shoved down his fear. He wanted Rose so badly that he needed to keep himself from sprinting back into hiding.

“Rose… there’s something I have to tell you.” 

Rose looked at him expectedly, her eyes looking at him worriedly. His throat closed up again, and when he spoke his voice almost cracked. 

“I’m… I’m trans. I’m transgender. A transgender man, to be exact, and… when you felt me, it…”

Rose furrowed her brow, looking even more confused. Her expression didn’t look judgmental or happy, just curious. “James, when I felt down there, there was a bulge—”

“It’s a prosthetic. Not real. There’s… there’s nothing there.” Rose was eerily quiet. James wasn’t sure what she was feeling. He couldn’t stand it, but he knew after dropping that bomb, he might as well drop them all. He couldn’t do one without the other. Before Rose was about to talk, he said, “But that’s not all I wanted to tell you, Rose.”

Rose’s expression morphed into concern, and maybe even fear. 

James felt his throat closing once again, and this time he couldn’t push it away. He didn’t want to scare her but there wasn’t much he can do to soften the situation. He carefully put his palm against Rose’s cheek, rubbing his thumb against it. He was thankful she didn’t pull away, putting her own palm on top of the hand touching her cheek. “Rose… you know how you told me that you never met someone you were so comfortable with?”

Rose nodded her head slowly.

He felt tears prickling in his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away. “Well… I know that we’ve met before, Rose. It was such a long time ago, but… I looked a lot different back then.”

Rose let her hands trail down to his forearms, keeping them there. He was at least glad she wasn’t moving away from him. “That doesn’t make any sense, though. I don’t recognize you at all.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.”

Rose shook her head, looking up at him as though he’d gone crazy. He would have believed her if she said so. “James, you’re really—”

“One day during school you stood up to a couple of pricks and stopped a lonely soul on their way back home. You became their best friend and they became yours, even after you knew each other for barely two months. And then one night, they were cut and beat up and coughing their lungs out and you brought them home and made them feel like they meant something to someone. They never, ever forgot that.”

Rose noticed how his voice kept cracking, how emotional he was becoming, and she was a little frightened of it. She wondered if it was the alcohol, yet when she gazed into his eyes, it reflected a deep, deep sadness. His intense gaze, the way it showed that sadness to her, made her gasp. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. And she could hardly believe it.

“…Jenny?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

Hearing the name he didn’t want to associate with ever again made the tears in his eyes fall down his face, his head nodding. “Hello,” he said gently, trying to force a smile, rubbing his thumb against her shoulder. 

Rose was slowly and gently pulling back from him, the chill in the air seeping in as she shivered and rebuttoned her shirt, neatening her clothes as James stayed back against the tree. He didn’t dare try to bring her back into his arms, where he felt safe. 

“I… how… what…” Rose was not forming coherent sentences to herself, swallowing her saliva as she looked back at him with confusion, fear, and perhaps even happiness all at once. He didn’t say anything, standing stone still.

“I wanted to tell you earlier. I just… I knew when I first saw you and… you haven’t changed a bit.” His voice was so quiet that Rose wouldn’t have heard him past the wind if she wasn’t standing close.

For a few moments they didn’t say anything, Rose hardly looking at him as he waited patiently for the inevitable. 

“Um… I… I need some space,” Rose said, looking back at him. Her expression was unreadable. “I just need to think, about all of this. ‘M not… ‘m not sure what is goin’ on and...” She didn’t finish her sentence, her voice trailing off.

Wrapping her arms around herself, James watched as she quickly walked away, away from the clearing that they were originally using for a budding romance. The fog quickly eliminated her figure, as she vanished into the night. James wasn’t sure if the remaining alcohol in his system was making him dizzy or if his emotions were running high, but the crushing feeling in his chest was enough to knock all the energy out of him.

He didn’t move from his spot against the tree for several hours, as he repaired what was left of his wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rose's Shirt (Pink Option)](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07KC596R6/ref=s9_acsd_cdeal_hd_bw_b2aHKCp_c_x_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-5&pf_rd_r=2GCR4D8RKDDR7N1C5706&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=b8a52898-0e00-53a3-95ae-1e9573884fa0&pf_rd_i=2368343011&th=1)   
>  [Rose's Skirt](https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/allsaints-betty-studded-denim-skirt/5009157?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FSkirts&color=vintage%20indigo)
> 
> [James's general outfit](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-K9bHK0dgohk/U8eCejaUYbI/AAAAAAAANp8/AsHY7ClDl0U/s1600/Kaisers1.jpg)   
>  [With the leather coat thing](http://sharovarka.com/pictures/david-tennant/31025-david-tennant.jpg)
> 
> Please stay tuned, it gets better, I promise :) DON'T HATE MEEEEEE


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t tell you how satisfying it was to wake up for my first day of classes, and gradually receive comments from last chapter throughout my 12-hour day about how I’m a big meanie for leaving you guys on a cliff hanger. You know, like an asshole.
> 
> So here ya go! Angst, angst, and more angst.
> 
> CW/TW here for misgendering, gender dysphoria, and implied suicidality in this chapter. Sorry fam. I’m putting myself in each of their shoes and it’s killing me but hey, I love you guys ;D This is also a longish chapter! You're welcome!

The attempt to make sense of what happened was leaving Rose even more confused and unsure as she leaned against the taxi window, watching as rain was beginning to sprinkle outside. Wrapping her head around the things she just learned was difficult, to say the least. It didn’t help that the person she was trying to wrap her head around was someone she was falling for.

Rose wasn’t clueless, though. She knew what ‘transgender’ was, had heard the word before, especially nowadays in the media. Yet she couldn’t say she knew much about what it meant or entailed. Her opinion was neutral, to say the least. What she did understand was that James’s emotional response throughout the confession had bothered her immensely.

At first, she was angry. How could he keep this from her, when he could have said something before? Yet on the other hand… her thoughts of the media’s interpretation of his situation might have answered that question. Something told her that he’s had to do this before, again, and again, and again. And then came the concept of gender, and how it all fit into this, and just what it all even meant. She had so many questions. 

Rose shook her head. She was going to drive herself mad thinking about this. There was no way in hell she could process it by herself. Who to talk to about it, however, was her next dilemma. She considered Donna, but since she knew that she lived in the same space as her sibling, she dismissed the idea almost instantly. Even though she knew that Donna was the best option to answer said questions, as she knew James (Jenny? Which name should she use, exactly?), better than anyone else. 

She opened the door to her flat, surprised to find Jeanne still awake. It was close to 10:30 and she would have been getting ready for bed for an early shift tomorrow. Her immediate excitement to see Rose home from her second date evaporated when Jeanne noticed that the lighthearted euphoria wasn’t in Rose’s eyes.

Jeanne shared her sad expression. “Oh, god, what’s happened?” she said quietly. “What do I use to stab him?”

Rose bit her lip, not moving at the door before setting her stuff down. She couldn’t bring herself to laugh at her joke. “Jeanne… I really don’t know what to think right now and…” Rose couldn’t stop a tear from slipping, not out of sadness, but of confusion and misunderstanding. 

Jeanne was immediately at her side, bringing her towards the couch as she quickly made a cup of tea for the both of them, even though she finished hers just a few minutes ago. The other blonde’s eyes were sympathetic, and she looked desperate to make her friend feel better. She never thought a girl she used to hate in grade school would be here with her, crying and depending on her for emotional support.

“Jeanne, I don’t know if you’ll believe me if I told you what happened.”

“Try me,” she replied, sipping her new warm mug of tea. 

Christ, where did she even begin? She used the cream supplied with her to give her drink a milky taste. “It was honestly a lovely night, to say the least, like last time. It just… kinda went pear-shaped near the end.”

“I mean… that doesn’t sound all that bad. When you walked in, I thought the world had crashed and burned.”

Rose smiled a bit, remembering that by all accounts their night was fun. “We, well… we had dinner first, and he said he saw a drink his dad used to have, and suddenly I’m teasin’ ‘im about not being able to handle anything and suddenly we’re competing to see who’s more drunk after one drink or two.” She snorted to herself, putting the cup to her lips as she looked away from Jeanne. “Gods, when I’m with him it’s like we’re stupid kids and doing stupid shite and acting silly. Yeah, that decision was a bad idea.”

“I mean, you seem fine, now.”

“Oh, yeah, ‘s ‘cause I definitely won.”

Jeanne snorted a laugh herself, but immediately stopped when she thought of the ramifications of what could go wrong. “Oh god, Rose… did he force himself—”

Rose was immediately defensive. “Oh, blimey, no! We weren’t that drunk! It was just past the point of bein’ tipsy, that’s all.” The swallow of her tea didn’t feel as pleasurable as she played back the events in her head, getting to the part that she wasn’t sure how to conceptualize.

“So, what went wrong?” 

Rose sighed through her nose. This was going to be a doozy to explain. 

“We finally went to take a stroll through the park nearby, and when I mean stroll I mean just stumble a lot and laugh and take the piss out of ‘im for being drunk. Everything’s… great. Like, god…” She tried not to be aroused at what had took place, still imaging what she felt. Jeanne smirked underneath her mug. “We got a bit handsy. And I bloody loved it. Jeanne, I know it was the second date but I just…” 

Rose tried to hold back more tears, but she let them slip. The fact that she had felt so comfortable with him, with the new information he bared to her, made her head spin. 

She continued, “You know how I told you I felt like I knew ‘im somewhere?”

Jeanne’s expression morphed into fear. Rose could have meant anything by that. The thought that she was given a roofy came to mind, with her flatmate’s inability to remember someone she had such a fondness for. “Yeah?”

“I have. He just doesn’t look like her anymore.”

Jeanne scrunched up her nose. “Can you please stop being cryptic, you’re killing me.” Her? What did she mean by that?

“James’s trans, ‘s what he told me. He admitted it to me when I felt ‘im down there, during our little session. He… must ‘ve been embarrassed or mortified, I dunno.”

Jeanne’s brain stopped. She didn’t even ask Rose what the name of her date was, and the name ‘James’ rang a bell. She had to know: “Rose, who did she say she was?”

Rose burst into tears, trying not to let the shock of it overwhelm her. It wasn’t a bad shock, quite the contrary. It was just the realization that she had been snogging someone she hadn’t seen in forever, and someone she had missed for so long. “Jenny. It’s Jenny, Jeanne.”

Jeanne spat out her tea. “What? You’re _kidding_ me.”

“’M not!” Rose shouted. 

Jeanne set her mug down carefully. “Wait, you said she called herself James, yeah?”

“Um… yes?”

“As in, James Noble?”

“Yes, what of it?”

Jeanne blanked. “Oh my god, my little cousins have been seeing a transgender for a doctor.”

Rose sipped her tea, suddenly confused. Did that knowledge bother Jeanne? “I mean… he’s really sweet, though. He’s good with them, yeah?”

“Well, yes, but… I… I don’t know,” Jeanne said. “Just wasn’t expecting it.” Jeanne huffed out a laugh, relaxing against the couch. “What on earth did Jenny do to herself?”

Rose’s eyebrows met in a confused scowl. Jeanne sounded as though she had said that to herself. “How do you mean?”

Jeanne shook her head, as though trying to wrap her head around the idea. “She doesn’t look like herself anymore and here she is, kissing you while you were none the wiser. It just… bothers me.”

Rose looked at her hands. She could understand Jeanne’s point of view, yet the scene she played back in her head when she had found her long lost friend all those years ago made her think. “He was… really upset, telling me it, Jeanne. He wasn’t trying to be like, sneaky or anything. He was being genuine. I think he was just really nervous, like he was afraid I would just drop him just like that.”

“Yeah, but if you’re going to go out on a bloody date with the intention to fuck each other eventually, it’s kind of important information!”

Rose felt nauseated, hearing the way Jeanne was talking and she wasn’t sure why. She wasn’t there, wasn’t experiencing the concoction of emotions Rose was feeling, and she couldn’t blame the other girl for being a bit confused. Hell, she was barely making sense of anything herself and she was saying it all out loud.

“Jeanne, I don’t know if I ever told you, but… the last I saw Jenny, she was hurt. Someone must have jumped her or somethin’ because I found her near the estates and… well, I think I understand why I haven’t heard from her, or him or… I dunno, why I haven’t seen ‘em in so long.”

Jeanne looked at her with a firm, stoic look. “Rose, it doesn’t matter. She went on two dates with you, almost fucked you, and didn’t even let you know. That’s just… it’s gross and she should have said something to you. I’m trying so hard not to be mad right now, dear lord.”

Rose found herself getting angry, quick to come to James’s defense. “Hey, okay, ‘s not like he looks like a woman, like he was in a costume ready to prey on me or somethin’.”

Jeanne widened her eyes. “Yeah, that’s what bothers me the most, to be honest.”

Rose looked at her lap again, unsure of how to respond. She wasn’t sure what to believe, but she knew that she was exhausted, and the drinks have since leeched out of her system. All that was left was the melancholy due to the depressant effect of the booze and she was ready to hit the lights.

Rose sighed, trying not to let more tears fall. She whipped away the stragglers. “Jeanne, I think I’m going to bed. I feel like I can sleep for ages.”

“I don’t blame you, Rose, I really don’t. What are you going to do about this now?”

They both stood up, putting their empty mugs in the sink. “I told him I needed some space, to think about this. I’m not sure after that, haven’t thought about much more.”

Jeanne only nodded her head, guiding her friend towards the bedroom. “Okay, that’s enough thinking on this, I’m not letting you ponder this anymore. I swear, if Jenny comes around here—” 

“I will handle it _myself_. I don’t need you to fight my battles for me, Jeanne.”

The firmness in her voice calmed Jeanne down, as she dropped the subject. “Okay. I’m so sorry Rose, that this happened. I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay?” Jeanne smiled, hugging her friend tightly as Rose returned it. 

“Thanks, Jeanne,” she responded. “For listening. Goodnight.”

Rose slipped into bed without even taking off her clothes and bra, her sleep fitful. And yet, despite what Jeanne was saying, she couldn’t help but picture James as how she saw him, the feelings of being with him a comfort that she couldn’t help but savor.

* * *

The soon-to-be doctor was sure that her superior was off his rocker. One day he was a dazed and lovesick fool, and the next he was testy and quick to anger. She was _this close_ to yelling at him.

“Martha, you can’t just stick the needle in there with their guard down, that shite makes them cry and plead for mum.”

“I thought it was okay, her mum said she was calm—”

Dr. Noble turned back around from his desk, taking off his glasses with barely hidden aggravation as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “She’s only 10 months old and you need to address her, talk to her and let her know you’re a friend. She’s a human, not a bloody pet!” 

Martha shrunk in place. She was still a bit clumsy with the needle, if she was so humble to admit despite her training, and she was a bit self-conscious of it. She wasn’t a nurse, after all, but his insistence to let her do it to get experience made his current mood a bit confusing to her. “’M sorry, I was trying to be careful—”

“Well, not careful enough to get her screaming!” 

_Like you, perhaps?_ Martha thought, annoyed. She chewed on her lip, adjusting her fingers around the child’s files in her arms, not meeting his eyes. She was thankful there was only an hour left of her internship that morning before she could go about her day and leave him to sulk and yell at someone else.

James dropped his tone, swallowing and turning back around to look at nothing at his desk, his expression apologetic. He let out a sigh. She saw that he was rubbing his eyes, as though he hadn’t slept well. “I’m sorry, Martha. I know you’re learning. It’s why you’re here.”

She flicked her eyes at him, relieved. “’S okay.” It really wasn’t, but she didn’t have the nerve to say that. She couldn’t stop herself from being curious, however. “I… I don’t mean to pry at all, sir, but, are you okay?”

James still wasn’t looking at her, like he was ashamed of something. He nodded his head, turning back around to face her. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be fine.” The exhausted look in his eyes betrayed his confirmation. “You can leave early, if you want. I know you’re right on schedule for hours.”

Martha shook her head. “I want to be here.”

James nodded his head, tugging at his earlobe. “That’s fair. Um… go get a coffee or something, take a break, okay? You’ve earned it.” His tentative smile when he didn’t reach her eyes made her apprehensive, as though she should be here in case he needed her help, but she took that as a hint to leave, and she did. Her stomach had been growling for a while, admittedly. She could grab something at the local coffee shop down the road if Donna was up for it, too.

When she approached the redhead, she was looking a bit sad herself, yet not nearly as despondent as James. “Hey, Donna,” she said gentle, touching her on the shoulder to get her attention. “Did you want to grab something? Dr. Noble’s letting me go early.”

Donna smiled at her, her familiar bubbly mood returning slightly. “Sure, Martha, I’d love that. Starbucks or the little café just past it?”

“Something not over five dollars, please.”

Donna smirked. “Couldn’t agree with you more. Liquid sugar’s bad for the liver.” They exited the center, Martha feeling more and more concerned with the way her collogues were behaving.

* * *

The older sibling was surprised to find that James’s coat was there when she returned from the flat. She knew he had the option to have his own hours and schedule them, but he usually liked working overtime, because he cared enough to get as many people in as he could. Then again, she expected that he was going to clock out early. When she returned with Martha she noticed that he wasn’t around as much a few hours later. 

James wasn’t in the living room, or the kitchen. She assumed he was in his bedroom, and she let him be. He’d been like this for days, but this was the first time that he had actually avoided work to do so.

Sometimes, when James was stressed, he would retreat to his room and fiddle around with a random electronic in the house, anything to keep his mind busy. She laughed to herself at the memory of him fiddling with the family toaster when they still lived at home, only for his tinkering to blow the fuse for their house and the whole side of town. Yet when she passed his room to make her way to the loo, she didn’t hear the familiar sounds of him using a screwdriver, just silence. She peaked in to see that he was sound asleep. It was the middle of the day. 

After giving herself a quick shower and watching a few episodes of a new Netflix show she was looking forward to, she still hadn’t heard him stir. When she came back to peak into his room, he was indeed still asleep.

Donna’s eyes softened as she took him in. He was facing the doorway, his eyes shut and his hair a mess and one arm draped over the side. Said hair looked slightly shiny, as though he hadn’t washed it. She groaned, knowing that he was avoiding the shower again. Sometimes she wondered if she was just a carbon copy of their mum, the way she looked after him. She knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose, though, or to be lazy. The real reason why made her heart hurt for her little brother. Donna did know, however, that if she didn’t wake him up he wouldn’t sleep for tomorrow.

She shoved his shoulder a bit, and he didn’t wake up. Typical. “Oi, spaceman. Up you get. It’s 4 o’clock.” He didn’t move. She shoved his shoulder harder, rocking him slightly. “Wakey wakey!”

James’s eyes burst open, as though he was in the midst of REM sleep. He groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and saw that his sister was looking at him with her hands on her hips.

“You’ve been sleepin’ since I got home some three hours ago, now up you get.”

James blinked his eyes sleepily before turning over, ignoring her and bringing the covers closer to his face.

Donna scowled at his back. “Oh no you don’t! Get up. In the tub. Now.”

“Donna, just—”

“Nope. Go.”

James’s look of defeat made her feel guilty for being so cross, but she knew he would avoid it until the end of time. The gentle way never worked, he was too stubborn for that.

James let out a long breath, sighing as he itched one of his eyes and ran a hand through his slightly greasy hair. “Okay,” he whispered, his head staring up at the ceiling. 

“You’ve not showered in days, have you?”

James didn’t respond.

“I ain’t having you stink up the place, go wash up.”

James knew his sister’s comments were out of worry, but the discomfort was still palpable on his face. “Okay, I’m up, I’m up…”

Donna left the room once he was sitting upright, as he made the slow descent to the bathroom to shower. He shut the door behind him, Donna retreating back to the living room. As she expected, he didn’t turn the lights on, but turned on the fan to keep the condensation from building on the bathroom mirror. She decided to make his favorite tea, Ceylon, as a way to calm him down. Despite her reluctance as well, she turned on his favorite documentary series, too, knowing he liked to absorb them even though she always fell asleep to the narrator’s voice.

James was able to move through the bathroom with ease despite the lack of light, having done this so often that he could map the bathroom with his eyes closed. The hot water hit his skin and he hissed at the slight burning on his back but didn’t turn it colder. He was out within two minutes, having scrubbed his skin and hair as fast as he could while he tried not to think about ripping his own skin off. He suppressed a sob as he dried himself off, tugging on the pajamas that Donna had definitely grabbed. He didn’t bother picking up his previous clothes, too drained to care about the mess on the floor.

When James met Donna in the kitchen, he smelled the Ceylon tea instantly, making his mouth water. Cream and sugar was placed next to the hot mug, and he couldn’t help but smile at that. After adding an obscene amount of sugar and cream, enough to make Donna scoff from across the room, he came back to sit next to her, thanking her quietly as he nursed his beverage.

Donna didn’t hit play on the remote, as she was genuinely worried for him. She hadn’t seen him this depressed since he left home, and she wondered what he was thinking. “James, I know this won’t help at all, but you need to reach out to her.”

James looked like he’d seen a ghost. Donna didn’t give him a chance to respond.

“Before you yell at me, please consider it. I’ve been texting Rose and she said she’d been avoiding me, too. She’s… she’s wondering if you’re okay.”

James didn’t meet her eyes, but she could tell it was getting through to him. 

“Promise me you’ll text her? Talk to her?” He didn’t respond, though his eyes blinked towards her before returning to his lap. 

Donna kissed him on the temple, pulling him into a hug as James seemed to seep into her skin. He was silently crying, and she could only imagine how much this was affecting him, how often he tried to tell himself he was okay. He wasn’t normally an emotional person, even before his transition, but this was different. She could tell, as any mentions of Rose, even indirectly, had made him act this way. That meant something to her. 

“She likes you, you dummy,” she said with a smile. “She wants to listen to you. She won’t leave.” She paused to notice that he wasn’t crying anymore, just listening, hiding his face from her. “You need anything else?”

He shook his head no, climbing away from her as she dried off her hands from his still wet hair on her trousers. His eyes were red from crying. A small smile made his way on his lips as he nodded his head, likely as a thank you to her.

“What would I do without you, Donna?” he rasped.

She didn’t answer that, just smiled. She knew what he might have done, or at least considered, had she not been around to comfort him. Donna tried not to think about those memories, not when she and him were already sad.

“All right then, how about some Nova while I fall asleep to Attenborough, hmm?” she quipped.

James didn’t argue with that, as the sounds of the narrator talking about big cats from Africa numbed his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to keep things in mind folks, in case you’re upset: Rose and Jeanne just found this out, and if you’ve never been educated about trans people before you’re bound to be a bit confused and angry, even. I think the only reason I didn’t let Rose misgender James quite as often is because she was on the date with him, so, naturally, you’d probably still refer to that person if you’re attached and seen them for yourself. At least, that’s my logic. I know that would be the case for me if I found out someone was a fellow trans person. I hope that I captured that in a decent way. Things are gonna get a bit awkward for a while, folks, so no happy shit for a few chapters. Sorryyyy...
> 
> I will say this tho: NO ONE WHO IS LGBTQ+ DIES IN THIS STORY, SO HELP ME GOD, IN THIS ESSAY I WILL—


	8. Chapter 8

The sunlight coming through the window was far too unkind for James’s sake. It forced him awake despite his desire to keep sleeping, the brightness of the sun right in his eyes. He remembered being shaken awake again the previous night in front of the telly, Donna telling him to go to bed. It had only been 8pm. He probably slept at least 15 hours all together, including the ones before Donna returned home. He still felt exhausted, despite feeling well rested for the first time in days.

Glancing at the clock, his exhaustion turned to panic. It was 9:33am. He was at least an hour late to work.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” he swore, springing from the bed and quickly getting dressed, racing to the bathroom to relieve his bladder and brush his teeth. He didn’t care about his hair, grabbing his belongings and sprinted to the door. He was surprised he wasn’t receiving phone calls by now. He knew he had a 9am appointment that he was now almost 40 minutes late for. 

He was about to turn the knob when he saw a note taped to the door. It was a full piece of printer paper, likely picked to get his attention. He recognized the message as Donna’s handwriting:

      
_Spaceman,_  


    

    
      
_I told the office you were out sick today, as it’s the perfect time of year to make that excuse. And before you try to call me to yell at me and get mad about it, I turned off my mobile so I won’t have to hear your whining. Relax for once, for me._  


    

    
      
_As Maui would say, “You’re welcome!”_  


    

    
      
_The Best Big Sister Ever_  


    

James smirked at her sentence. Donna wanted to watch Moana for some reason last night. He didn’t remember most of the film, as he fell asleep right around the first act. He rolled his eyes; Donna and her Disney movies…

He let out a sigh he didn’t realize he was holding, running a hand down his face. Somehow, despite his eagerness to go to work, to do anything other than sit down, he felt relief. The panic melted away as he dropped his stuff on the floor. The familiar feeling of exhaustion took over, as he couldn’t be bothered to care about his belongings in front of the door.

After shedding his work clothes and putting his pajamas back on, James couldn’t help but wonder about the last time he genuinely just took a day to relax or simply do nothing. His mind was constantly busy, never wanting to sit still, and sitting still resulted in overanalyzing. The thought of tinkering or going somewhere didn’t even appeal to him at the moment. It was a nice change. Maybe Donna was doing him a favor.

James took the opportunity, much to his disdain, to lounge about for that morning, making himself a cup of tea and forcing himself to loosen up by picking up a novel on his bookshelf. His mobile, however, had tortured him from the sofa, which he deliberately left there while he sat by the kitchen island to drink his tea.

Donna’s words to talk to Rose ran back in his head. She was right. Rose’s reaction was better than most. He was at least grateful she didn’t run screaming or claim her disgust. He shook his head at that, though. He knew Rose wasn’t that kind of person. She was honest, but not cruel or mean about it, not intentionally. He had to trust his judgement on what he knew of Rose, and he knew that a lot of his anxiety was based on previous experiences, and not on the present circumstance. 

Most of all, though, he missed her. Missed her so much that it terrified him. He saw her just a few days ago and yet he yearned to watch her smile and tug him into her arms, hold her hand and beg her to stay with him. He’d been fine, as a bachelor. He wasn’t that bothered by it initially. He expected to be alone for most of his life, as he came to expect it. Rose had changed that. She wiggled her way into his own heart and made him want to do things that scared the ever-loving hell out of him, and he found that he liked that. The fact that he wanted to see her and talk to her again despite his pain was a new feeling indeed. Somehow, the wall wasn’t enough to keep him away.

He put down his cup of tea with an exasperated sigh to himself, looking at his mobile on the couch cushion. He glared at it, as though it was the cause of all his problems. “All right, Donna, you win.”

* * *

Henrik’s had been swamped all morning. Because it was swamped, the newest employees were in over their heads, needing constant babysitting despite the training given to them during orientation. It was infuriating, and by the time her 45-minute break came, Rose took every opportunity she had to go have lunch somewhere quiet. She hadn’t had coffee that morning, either, and stopped by a Starbucks on her way to lunch to grab a much-needed expresso.

Even though she was looking forward to a text message from him, Rose’s own anxiety forced her to turn off her mobile for the day. Her texts to Donna the previous nights had left her feeling drained, as she had cried herself to sleep the previous night thinking about how his hand fit into hers and how _right_ that felt. She didn’t realize just how much she missed him when her instinct to message him about their next date made her ponder her current predicament. The uncertainty of the past few days left her craving him and wanting to avoid him at the same time. It didn’t help that Jeanne’s words to her kept replaying in her head, and it made her feel uneasy and unsure about how to approach any of it. She knew avoiding Donna wouldn’t help, either, but she was related to James and the possibility to running into him when she was around was a possibility she wasn’t ready to confront. She was stuck, to say the least. 

If James did text her, she would think about it once work wasn’t a pain to deal with. She was too stressed today to contemplate James and her relationship to him. Along with a sip of her coffee, she downed two ibuprofens to conceal an emerging headache.

After her lunch, she realized she had eaten quickly. She still had 30 minutes left. She couldn’t help but deflate out of relief. She had been starving and that left her more time to do something else. Jeanne’s request for her to pick up groceries, as it was her turn, came to mind, and she hopped to it. Thankfully where she had lunch was right across the street from the nearby grocery store.

“Okay… milk, that expensive Earth Balance stuff, tomato soup…” she said to herself, going through the checklist in her head.

She couldn’t help but go down the snack aisle once she got everything she needed, as the idea of sitting in front of the telly and watching a sappy movie once she got home came to mind. She was in one of those moods where she wanted to let it all out by force. All she needed was the Ben & Jerry’s and she was golden.

She grabbed a pint of the strawberry cheesecake flavor when she heard someone approach her to her side. 

“Jesus, Rose, is that you?”

Rose spun to her right, startled, and she gaped. It was Jimmy. Jimmy Stone. She wondered if the universe hated her. 

_How many more bloody people are gonna waltz their way back into my life?_ Rose thought. The ibuprofen needed to kick in faster.

“Uh…” she said dumbly, not expecting to see her ex here. The last she saw him, he’d been trying to get back together with her. When he graduated, she had, by then, moved on herself. Jeanne was still friends with him on Facebook, but the grudge she still held for him had kept Rose from reaching out. Jimmy wasn’t even that infuriating of a human, honestly, it was mostly the situation at the time. Her irritation didn’t dissipate, though. The irony of the past few days and seeing her ex right afterwards was not helping her mood whatsoever. 

Jimmy laughed at her reaction. “Yeah, I know, it’s been a dog’s age, hasn’t it?” he smirked. “Hope you don’t mind me just sayin’ hello.”

He still looked the same. He had since filled out a tad from grade school, and was less boyish-looking, even grew some facial hair. She remembered him complaining that he barely had peach fuzz. He was wearing a construction helmet, and dirty work clothes, and she could only assume he was on his break, too.

Rose forced a smile. She wasn’t in the mood but if she knew Jimmy at all, especially if he hadn’t changed in 10 years, then he was slow on recognizing people’s discomfort. “Yeah, it has been. Um… what’s with the outfit? Last I saw you, you wanted to go for Law, yeah?” 

Jimmy seemed eager to explain. “Oh, yeah, that didn’t fall through. Ended up dropping out. College wasn’t for me, honestly. Ended up joinin’ my dad’s business. Now I’m travelin’ across the UK working on projects with ‘im, don’t really stay in one place too long. Not my original plan, but, eh. Pays well enough.” He looked down at himself, chuckling. “Sorry about this mess.”

“’S fine.”

Jimmy’s brows met, as if confused. Rose was readjusting the products she intended to buy in her cart. He gave her an odd look, as though he was analyzing her. “How’ve you been?”

“Oh, erm… it’s been good. Been working and savin’ up money, to get out of the estates. Still been doin’ art.” She hoped that her dismissive tone would be enough evidence for him to get the hint. 

“That’s good, that’s good,” Jimmy said, noticing that Rose wasn’t acting particularly enthusiastic. “Uh… you seeing anyone?”

“Oh, for god’s sake,” Rose couldn’t help but say out loud, meeting his eyes with an intention to murder him.

Jimmy held up his hands. “Whoa, okay, ‘s not what I meant. Got a girl at home, don’t kill me.”

“Then what did you mean?” Rose snapped.

Jimmy shrugged. “Was just curious, just makin’ conversation. Can I do that?” His eyes flashed with annoyance. 

Rose licked her lips, pushing her hair back as she let out a breath. “’M sorry, Jim. Been a crazy few days.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” he said. He took her in for a moment. She looked exhausted, with bags forming under her eyes. Yet she also looked impatient, as though she couldn’t wait to get away from him. He shook his head, exasperated. “Fucking hell…”

“What?”

“You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?”

Rose thought the tiled floor of the dairy section was a lovely shade of brown.

“Oh my god, you are. It happened years ago, and you still think I had somethin’ to do with it. That I beat that girl up.” He looked offended.

Suddenly all the pent-up energy Rose pushed down bubbled to the surface. “Yeah, okay, I am. What was I supposed to think, huh?”

Jimmy looked ready to punch his fist through the wall. “That maybe I’m not that kind of guy, for starters? Jesus Christ, Rose, what do you take me for?”

“I dunno, okay? You and Mark were best friends and you were both fuckin’ drunk and I just…” Rose held back tears behind her eyes. Under normal circumstances, had James not been in the picture, she wouldn’t have been feeling this emotional over something that happened so long ago.

“Rose, you’re right, I was fucking drunk. You know what I did that night? Passed the hell out at my own house and picked up the bottles the next mornin’ before my dad came home so he wouldn’t see. _That_ was my night. I dunno where the fuck Mark or Jeanne went, they just left me there. Can you stop bein’ a bitch about it now?”

Rose stayed quiet. Her immediate guilt for taking out her frustrations on him was something she wasn’t expecting to feel. She knew, though, that her mood wasn’t winning any points over with her ex. The last thing she needed was more drama. When she met his eyes again, she could tell by his expression that he was telling the truth. It humbled her.

“I’m sorry, Jimmy. I really am. I didn’t… I didn’t mean for that.” She meant it.

An awkward silence prevailed. Rose checked her clock. She had to get back to work in a few minutes, and he likely did, too.

“I’m… I’m also sorry about Mark,” Jimmy said, after a pregnant pause. “I heard what happened. Jeanne told me about it. You know I talk to her, yeah?”

Rose nodded her head, feeling too embarrassed about assuming his guilt to speak.

“To be honest, kinda glad the fucker’s dead. Jeanne didn’t deserve that.”

Rose nodded her head again, licking her lips nervously. “Yeah.”

Another pregnant pause. 

An alarm went off on Jimmy’s phone, and he silenced it. “That’s my cue. Um… I didn’t mean to bother you—”

“Jim, it’s… it’s fine. I’m sorry I snapped at you. It… I mean it when I said it’s been a long few days. It’s nice to see you, being successful and all that. Honestly.” Rose, again, meant it.

Jimmy seemed to lose his previous venom, as he smiled. “The same to you. You haven’t changed a bit, what with you still bein’ a spitfire.” Rose cracked a smirk at that. Before he walked away, he turned back around before Rose could move away with her cart. “By the way… have you ever seen her again? Jenny was her name, right? Did you ever find her?”

Rose pondered to herself a moment, gripping the cart handle. She looked back up at him in confidence. “No. I never did.” And she meant it.

Jimmy nodded, waving her goodbye as he readjusted his work helmet, snagging a meal bar on one of the aisles. 

Rose walked away, wishing him goodbye as well. She never wanted to go back to work as much as she did at that moment.

When Rose turned on her mobile on her way back to her flat, the first thing she was bombarded with was a voicemail. She was surprised to see that it was from James, as she wondered what was wrong. She hadn’t heard from him in several days, and she figured that the reluctance to contact one another would result in a text, not a voicemail. Now her curiosity was piqued. 

Once she walked into the flat itself, she noticed that Jeanne wasn’t around, and likely in her own room. Considering the Friday evening, she likely got out early and was taking a much-needed kip. She decided to sit on the couch instead of taking the time to put all of her stuff down, as she was eager to know what James would say. She wasn’t expecting this, and she would be lying if she hadn’t hoped that he would eventually contact her again. The thought of him cutting her out over this situation without communicating made her heart hurt.

She pressed play on her phone, and was greeted with the familiar tenor of his voice:

_“Hello, Rose, um… ’s James. I’m sure you figured that out already…”_

Rose laughed through her nose. She felt herself smiling, not helping herself. The way he made her feel frightened her sometimes, regardless of her confusion about who he was.

_“Uh… so… I’d been sitting here and trying to type up what to say for a half hour now and frankly, I was getting rather sick of that and decided that talking was a better option. And I… um…”_

She heard him sigh on the other line. She can imagine him tugging on his earlobe or scratching the back of his neck. 

_“I know you probably have a million questions to ask me, all of which are perfectly valid. If you want to give me a chance to explain and… and let you know about everything these past few years, I… I’d love to see you again. I really do. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. I’d rather tell you when I knew your feelings on the matter beforehand. But… here we are. Please, if you can call me back, or text me, whatever’s comfortable; let me know what you want to do. If you want to break it off, I understand. Just… just let me know.”_

The voicemail ended. While not immediately prevalent, she could hear the slight pain in his voice. He was just as upset as she had been. 

She made up her mind almost instantly.

Rose found him in her contacts and pressed call. He picked up on the second ring.

At first, it was quiet for a few seconds, before she heard a quiet, _“Hi.”_

“Hi,” she said. She bit her lip. A few more seconds of silence. “I got your voicemail, just now. Sorry, I’d been in work all day.”

_“No, ‘s fine. I didn’t expect an immediate response. I’d probably have a heart attack if you did.”_

For the third time in a row there was silence. Rose licked her lips nervously. “James, I’m glad you called.”

She heard his barely concealed sigh of relief on the other end. _“So am I.”_

She laughed breathily. He was thinking about her, too. “I do want to see you. And I do have questions. Like… so many.”

_“I would be shocked if you didn’t.”_

“I’m trying not to ask them right now while you’re not runnin’ away.”

She thought she might have upset him on that comment until he said, _“Don’t jinx it, now. Quickly, knock on wood, before the moment passes.”_

Despite her horrible mood, she did as he said, making sure he heard it over the phone as she concealed a giggle. Rose often wondered how, even when the tension was eminent, they could turn it into a joke. That gave her hope. “Um… when are you free? To talk, I mean.”

_“I’m free right now.”_

“Really? Aren’t you at work?”

_“Took a sick day.”_

Rose raised her eyebrows. If she knew one thing about James it was that he wouldn’t have taken a sick day unless it was serious. “Are you feeling okay?”

_“Oh, yeah, not actually sick or anythin’. Donna forced me. Woke up to a note on the front door, yelling at me to stay home. So, I did. I know better than to fight her about it.”_

Rose snorted. “That’s nuts. Since when do you sit still?”

He snorted on the other end. _“When I know, I’ll tell you. But, to answer your question, I am as free as a bird. For the first time in a while, I have a three-day weekend.”_

“Did you want me to go to you, or…?”

_“Please, Rose, let me go to you, I’m going stir crazy in this flat.”_

This time, Rose did laugh audibly. “Okay, I’ll send my address to you then. I mean, you shouldn’t be that far, the pub we went to was only a bus ride or two away.”

_“Yeah, should be simple enough.”_

Rose took a moment to send him her address, as the time it took to do so as well as James receiving it resulted in a bit of silence once again. Once she hit send, the chime of it being delivered was heard over the other end.

_“I really missed you.”_

Rose felt her eyes brim with tears, but she forced them back. “I did, too. Still do.”

She could almost feel his smile on the other side, and it made her heart flutter imagining it. _“I’ll see you in a short while, then.”_

Rose nodded her head, even though he couldn’t see it. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.” Once they disconnected, Rose let out a sigh of relief, the anxiety of him being in her own space an exhilarating yet terrifying process. She couldn’t help but let the euphoria of it consume her, to see him again and to talk to him. Things were looking up. If she knew anything about what they had built so far, then she could only be positive.

She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn’t noticed Jeanne near her ajar bedroom door, quietly listening even though she hadn’t intended to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will likely be the one I'm most looking forward to writing. It's the Big Talk™ and my god it's probably where all the stuff starts to pick up. The following chapters are when things get real personal. Prepare yourself, guys.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT - Fixed typos and sentence errors because there were an obscene amount of them.
> 
> IT'S HERE AND I'M EXCITED  
> 
> 
> I don’t plan to let James admit everything to you guys, that will be reserved for… ahem… more intimate settings. This chapter is mostly familiarizing Rose with the basics, just so she gets what’s she’s coming into. I also wanted to write it from Rose’s perspective here, because I feel like this could be anybody in her position. It will also be a bit too easy for me, a fellow trans guy, to write from James’s perspective lol

Jeanne walked out into the kitchen, making herself a quick snack as Rose put away the groceries. They exchanged a quick hello before Rose went back to the couch. She was too nervous to eat an early dinner as she bounced her leg in place, her face glued to her phone as she played an app game to ease the tension in her limbs.

“Oh, um… James’s is coming over shortly. To talk. We just hung up right now. Is that all right?”

Jeanne shrugged. “Thought I heard someone on the phone. Sure, I mean… you want me to stay with you? For support?”

“No, I’m all right.” She furrowed her brow in confusion. “Why would I need support?”

“I dunno… in case she does something you don’t like, or she makes you upset.”

Rose didn’t answer, not sure what Jeanne was talking about. And she was becoming mildly annoyed with how she addressed James. She let it drop for now. The last thing she wanted was to have an argument with another person she was close to. “Jeanne, it’s fine, just leave it.”

The other blonde only nodded and shrugged. “Okay, I’ll give you two some space, then.” Jeanne went back to her room with her bowl of ice cream that Rose had just shopped for. Rose wasn’t sure what had gotten into Jeanne. Ever since she talked with her the other day she had been a bit distant, if a bit moody. She couldn’t help but think that the information she shared might have made her uncomfortable, and she wished that the other girl would have opened up to her a bit more about the subject. She couldn’t do much about it, now, though, not when she had insisted on listening to her about the situation. Rose hoped she would get over it, or at the very least come to an understanding like she would.

She was alone in the living room when she heard the door knock. Even though she expected it, Rose jumped in her seat. Despite her nerves, she hurried to the door. 

Sure enough, James stood before her, looking the most casual she had ever seen him. He had a loose-fitting t-shirt on over his familiar leather jacket, with a pair of form-fitting sweatpants and converse trainers. Much to her embarrassment, the pair of specks he wore on his nose sent heat straight to her abdomen. She assumed he wore them when driving or reading. 

_Rose, now’s not the time. Now’s_ really _not the time._

“Hello,” he said, hands in his pockets with a shy smile that she liked so much, reminding her very much of their first date. “Uh… may I come in?”

Rose was about to reply, but an amused smile came to her face despite herself. Somehow she just couldn’t help herself around him.

“Not until you tell me the password.”

James seemed confused for a moment, before chuckling to himself and looking at his feet. She was glad that he was at least amused. Better late than never, to break the ice when it was going to be awkward. He met her eyes again. “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.”

Rose’s blanked. She wasn’t expecting that answer. “What?”

James laughed out loud. “Sorry. Donna’s been on a Disney movie kick. Was watching Finding Nemo and she forced me to watch it with her. It’s been stuck in my head for the past three hours.”

Rose stared before shaking her head, giggling despite herself. Why did they keep doing this? Every time?

“Oh, just… just get in here,” she managed, smiling. He walked through the entrance, looking unsure if he should greet her with a hug or keep his hands to himself. He chose to do nothing, only looking around the room.

“Nice place,” he said.

“Thanks,” she replied, sitting down at her couch as he joined her. They sat a comfortable distance apart, not sure where to begin. She could tell he was just as nervous, as he was fiddling with his earlobe again and taking off his specks. She was mildly disappointed to see them be put away.

“Um… so…” Rose began, tucking a hair behind her ear. She saw James watch her movements, looking invested in what she had to say. 

He gulped next to her. “I know I have some explaining to do, Rose.”

“Yeah, that’s… putting it mildly, I think.”

James appeared a bit put off by her comment, but he didn’t respond to it. “I was nervous to say something to you about it. I was caught up in our meetings and… and seeing you again that I just lost track of it. I didn’t mean to lead you into—”

Jeanne’s words came back to her, and Rose didn’t like that he was repeating them back, as though by protocol. “James, if there’s one thing I noticed is that you weren’t intending to do anything wrong, okay? ‘M not like… upset or angry at you for that.”

He appeared surprised. Her heart dropped to her stomach, seeing him like this. She again wondered how many times he’s had to talk to past dates about personal information regarding his own identity. “Then what are you mad about?”

Rose fiddled with her hands. She couldn’t hold back tears in her eyes, though they didn’t fall. “I’m mad because I know you’re Jenny, or at least you were Jenny, I dunno; and that you left and didn’t say why. You disappeared off the face of the earth and I cared about you! I was scared you were gone for good or missing. Why didn’t you call? My mum had your home phone and you knew that! You couldn’t have just given me a clue?”

James licked his lips nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “Rose, please understand. It tore my heart out, to leave. I didn’t do it willingly.”

“What do you mean?”

James blew out a breath, as though he was preparing himself all over again. “Blimey, where do I begin…”

Rose crossed her arms in a guarded fashion, relaxing against the couch cushions as she waited for him. She knew this was probably difficult for him, but her impatience of not knowing a damn thing was becoming increasingly infuriating.

James wasn’t looking at her in the eyes. “I left because my mum forced me to change schools. After that night… she didn’t want to chance anything again.”

Rose was getting tired of receiving cryptic messages. “James, just tell me, please.”

He looked mildly annoyed, on the verge of yelling back at her but didn’t have the heart to. “Because it was the third time someone physically assaulted me. So she put me in another school district so I could finish without the threat of violence. Thankfully I was clever and caught up with the material to graduate on time. It was probably my third school in a row.”

Rose stiffened beside him. Her anger dissipated almost instantly. She had often wondered why he was always alone, remembering that James had been bullied a lot. This only confirmed it.

“I thought it was somethin’ I did, that night. With me helpin’ you.”

James shook his head, smiling sadly. “No, not at all, Rose. You don’t realize how much that meant to me, to see you care for me. It was… what you saw that made the decision that much harder. I was afraid you would judge me, if I told you the truth. So, when I changed schools, I didn’t contact you again. Because I was terrified that you’d be like all the others.”

Rose looked at him sadly, though not out of pity. That explained why he had not told her about that night, why it hurt so much. Seeing him now, looking so different than the Jenny she knew, she began to wonder about the bandages she saw on his chest that night. “James… how long had you known? That you were transgender?”

Once again, he inhaled an exhaled, looking away from her as though he was finding a way to explain himself. She couldn’t really blame him. “I knew when I was about… 12? I think?”

Rose widened her eyes. “You knew since you were that young?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I mean… no one really talks about that sort of thing, right? I didn’t even really question it. It’s usually about trans women, as they make easy targets. I just existed as a human, really, no concept of gender. Just did what came naturally. Then puberty began. Suddenly all the male friends I had were starting to act weird around me. Like… like—”

“Like you were a girl and you had cooties.” His situation was relatable. She could recall the same situations that had occurred to her at that age. Suddenly all the boys she befriended were picking on her or ignoring her in favor of the other little boys.

His expression became pained. “Yes.”

“I mean… have you tried? Being a girl, I mean.”

James’s glare made her realize she might have said something wrong. But he eventually dropped it, once he saw how genuine her question was, rather than condescending. “The only time I recalled trying to do that was when my mum commented on my attire one too many times, a few years before I met you. Said I looked too much like a boy, wondering if I wanted the boys at school to think I was gay; that I should at least try to be presentable. So, I did. And…”

He seemed lost in his own thoughts as he drifted off, and Rose put a hand on his arm and ran her thumb across his bicep to bring him back. “’M sorry. You don’t have to—”

“You’re fine. It… my early teens weren’t a good time. Well… my teens _in general_ weren’t a good time.”

Rose wasn’t sure if she wanted to press onwards. Even though he was expressing a decent amount, she could tell it was incredibly uncomfortable and painful to remember. She wasn’t sure why that was, though, only that she was noticing the effect it was having on him.

“I admit that I’m not really very familiar with this kind of subject. I’m sorry if I stay somethin’ stupid.”

James’s expression was empathetic. “You’re not stupid, for asking questions. What do you know, if at all?”

“Well… I mean, ‘ve heard what transgender is. That people change because they’re unhappy, or they think they fit into one gender rather than the other. Most of the time they know when they’re really little and hide it. That it’s frowned upon, socially, to turn into another gender. That they get hurt for it, too. Not much else I’m afraid.” To her surprise, he was looking at her with affection. She was bewildered by this. “What?”

“Nothing… it’s just you, bein’ you.”

Again, with the cryptic messages. Back to the main objective.

“Am I correct?”

“For the most part. You got the main idea.”

“Yeah, but, that doesn’t explain why you put bandages on your chest, James. Or why you changed your name and changed gender and… did all of that. I mean… you looked perfectly fine to me? Why change at all?”

To her surprise, his expression hardened, though it wasn’t frustration directed at her, more at the implication of a question that was probably asked too many times. “Rose, do you know any other information about what being trans entails? How it might feel?”

Rose shook her head.

“Well, it’s not a fun little experiment I decided to do with my body because I felt like it. Yes, my body itself was fine. My biological sex, and the body it came with, was perfectly functional, but it didn’t _feel_ fine.” 

He turned to face her a bit more, rather than straight ahead. She took that as a good sign. She hoped she gave off the vibe that she was there to understand, rather than to shut him down. He put two fingers to his head. “Up here, I knew I was a boy. I knew what to expect, subconsciously, when I got older. I expected I’d be more like my dad, but what I got didn’t match my brain, and that was distressing. To have your expectations not match who you are, it affects how you see yourself, how you interact with other people your age, and how people address you. It affects every way you make contact with the world, and it shapes your identity. If you don’t even have that, what do you do? 

“I could go on, without changing, but when you live a lie, it’s not really living, is it? The lie, being that what I was born with determines who I am and how I see myself. People just… can’t see how your own brain maps out the template for your body, which in turn, matches up with your parts. It didn’t for me. That’s all it is.” 

Rose was still a bit confused, but she tried her best to relate. His words made her think, though. She hadn’t thought of it that way before. “So… for example, I’m a girl up in my brain, and the parts I have make sense for me. And I’m not bothered by the fact that I have the parts I do, as a girl. But for you, they didn’t? Like they didn’t match?”

James’s smile was back, and her heart warmed at the sight. His brown eyes were practically sparkling as she talked. She was very thankful she was saying the right things, and it wasn’t being interpreted wrong. “Exactly that.”

Rose was putting the pieces together. “So… you put the bandages on to flatten your chest, to have the characteristics of a boy, since you went through a female puberty? And couldn’t do anything to stop it?”

He nodded his head. “Yup. It’s dangerous, to do that, and you were correct when you told me that night. Now, I think, they have much better methods than I did as a kid. You can get commercially sold chest binders online, now, though they cost a pretty penny. Hence why I was stuck with ace bandages. At least, until the stupid things were finally removed.”

“Doesn’t it hurt, though? Binding your chest like that?”

“Oh, bloody hell, yeah, with bandages especially. But it was worth it, for the relief.”

“Relief?”

James’s eyes bore into her, as though he was begging for her to understand. “Rose, I wish I could have met you when I looked as I do now. The me I wanted you to know, to see. But I couldn’t control that, because of how I was born. Being seen for how I am now, it… it took a lot of work. And time.”

Rose gazed back into his eyes, though a thought passed through her that made her laugh through her nose. 

“What?” he said, amused. 

“Nothing, ‘s just… I remember when I held your hand, when we were kids. And I remember feeling… like really attached to you. But I knew I wasn’t into girls. So, I was kinda… confused.”

James began laughing, which caught her off guard. “Really?”

“Yeah. I felt like I really liked you, but it didn’t make sense to me. Wasn’t really sure why, figured we just clicked a lot.”

“Sounds like you have your own secrets to tell me, Miss Tyler,” he teased. 

She shoved him. “I’m still not into women, you plum.” 

“Weeelllll um… I knew I certainly was.” He didn’t meet her eyes this time, adjusting his leather jacket sleeve instead. Rose’s eyes widened in realization at his admittance, though she couldn’t help but feel a bit flattered as her cheeks heated up. “I had a… _very_ big crush on you, once we became friends as teenagers.” His blush was rather spectacular, as a tentative grin bloomed on his face. “You can imagine my shock when I saw you for the first time in years, and… well… all of that coming back rather suddenly. It was too easy, for my brain to make that connection.”

Rose hid her mouth as she smiled at the thought of how James looked back then, harboring feelings for Rose as the gangly young girl he used to be. 

“Oh, don’t start!” he said jokingly.

“No! Stop it, ‘s cute…” she said, a blush forming on her face. “At least I can say I like you too, without the confusion.”

James’s eyes widened as a quiet and almost silent gasp escaped his mouth, realizing what she entailed. He looked ready to cry, but out of joy. “Rose, I—”

She gently met his lips with hers, and immediately he was surrendering, his sigh through his nose an invitation. Their kiss was unlike their first; it was slow, cautious, and sweet, as though to feel one another out, not unlike their current conversation. When she pulled back, his eyes were brimming with unshed tears, and her heart swelled for him. She leaned her forehead against his. 

“I… do you mean that?” he said quietly.

Rose nodded, struggling with tears of her own, putting a hand to his cheek and rubbing her thumb against it. She felt the beginnings stubble there, and it seemed to confirm her own thoughts even more. The way he was running his hand through her hair and on her neck was distracting her, though the gesture was gentle and affectionate. 

“James… all I know right now is that you look like a man to me. As far as I’m concerned, you _are_ a man. No amount of time spent trying to become one doesn’t erase that, as far as I can see, yeah? Just by how you’re around me, it just… it’s so much better than what I remember you as, now that I know who you are, finally.” She wiped her eyes, trying not to cry in happiness, both for him and what she desperately wanted. “When you were Jenny, you could barely talk, couldn’t even stand up straight without slouchin’ over. Like you hated the fact that you were even there at all. You’re still the same person, after so long, but what I see now, it’s… it’s like you’ve come alive.”

James was speechless, though he looked shocked to hear what she was telling him. At this, she felt even more emotional at trying to make sense of why anyone would deny who he was. Why when they looked at him, they would dismiss him for something she could tell he couldn’t control and had attempted to control for so long. 

His typical shyness returned, and she wanted him to feel something other than shame. “You… you realize that if you stay with me that I can’t do—”

“You think I give a shit about that?” came her remark, which sounded angry and defensive. Again, Jeanne’s words echoed in her head and it only seemed to fuel her aggravation. “James, I’ve been takin’ care of my own business for ages, you think you not having a dick is going to make me leave you? No way, mister, ‘ve had enough shitty ex’s to cope with that, thanks.”

James shut his eyes as he burst out laughing, and this time tears were falling down his cheeks. He moved in to kiss her again, and she could taste that his kiss was of relief, and perhaps even disbelief.

“In all seriousness,” Rose continued, feeling light as air at seeing him react this way. “I’m not here for sex. I’m here for _you_. Because I can’t stop thinkin’ about you, James, an’ I—”

His kiss was enough to bring her to her knees even though they were already sitting down, her head spinning. Plunging her fingers through his hair, she deepened it, desperate for him like she never felt before. She could feel it in him, the way he was kissing her that what he was craving was filling him up in ways she wanted to satisfy. She was saddened that her simply listening to him was all it took. Yet knowing she was the one to do it, filled her with a joy she never experienced. She wanted this so badly, even though she was terrified of the uncharted waters. 

She whimpered when they pulled apart. His smile was like a drug to her, and she never wanted him to feel anything like she just learned again. “I feel like we keep doing this. Talking and then making fun of each other before snogging until we can’t breathe,” he said, grinning in a charming, faux egotistical way that was meant as a tease.

Rose gave him a flirty smile, wrapping herself into his arms as she pushed his jacket off of him to get better access. She breathed him in and left a gentle peck behind his ear as she heard him smell the soap she used in her hair. “Well, unlike you, I’m not complaining.”

She felt him kiss her hair, then her temple, and down her face with a feather-light touch. She giggled at the sensation, feeling giddy as he met her eyes again once he pecked her on the lips. “Does that seem like complaining to you?” 

Rose rolled her eyes. “You just have to prove it, don’t you?”

His pupils were blown wide, as he quickly glanced downward to sneak a peek at her chest before meeting her eyes again. “Oh, yes. Someday. If you want.”

Heat flushed all the way down to her collar at his implications. She squeaked when he tugged at her hair mischievously, using the other to feel just under one of her breasts. His smile was filthy, and it was glorious.

“Down, tiger,” she teased, her tongue between her teeth in a grin that was 100% meant to encourage said behavior.

The sounds of dishes clinking forced them apart as they jumped. Jeanne looked back at them in surprise. “Sorry,” she said. “Was just… putting my dish away.”

By James’s deer-in-headlights expression, she could tell that his mind was going 110 miles per hour in order to process the fact that Jeanne was in Rose’s flat.

“Oh, um…” Rose said, realizing that James would once again recognize someone from his past. The irony stopped being funny long ago. “Jeanne, this is James, and James this is Jeanne.”

Jeanne seemed to study him for a tad, before giving him a small smile that looked slightly annoyed. “Hi, Jenny.”

Despite not being in his position, Rose felt the air knock out of her from Jeanne’s use of his previous name. It was like a kick to the gut, and the familiar feeling of dislike towards Jeanne was suddenly back after a significant hiatus. She could feel the tension boiling over as James hardly moved a muscle in his seat next to her, coiled as though to lash out. 

James’s dark eyes were burning into her flatmate’s. “I see you haven’t changed a bit. Didn’t know you two were properly acquainted.” He aimed a bit of his darkened expression on Rose, likely ready to scold her. She could tell he was forcing his voice deeper despite not needing to, as though to rub it in.

_Yeah, I can’t really blame you, James._

“Oh, yeah, well,” Rose said awkwardly, catching on to what he was going to ask the moment Jeanne wasn’t there. “Jeanne and I reconnected, a little while back. Settled our differences, I think. We needed each other during those times, I think. Obviously, things are different since we were in school.” Her last comment was directed right at Jeanne. If Jeanne caught on, she didn’t let it show.

“Yes, Rose ‘s like a best friend to me, now that we’ve moved on, so to speak. Honestly wouldn’t be where I am now if we didn’t reconnect, to be frank,” Jeanne explained. She seemed to flit her eyes between Rose and James, as though she was nervous. Considering James’s still tense posture, Rose could only assume that Jeanne was a bit put off. “Anyway, I’ll leave you two kids alone.” She let out a short laugh that sounded forced. “Didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”

“’S no problem,” Rose said. With that, Jeanne exited back to her bedroom, giving occasional glances to the both of them.

The moment Jeanne shut her door, James was on her tail.

“You _told_ her?”

“James, listen to me, please,” Rose said, before he could get angrier. She could tell he wanted to continue ranting, but he was being considerate enough to let her talk. “I told her after the second date, okay? I was scared, and confused, and I just learned this information and I didn’t know who to go to, yeah?” She licked her lips and squeezed his hand, rubbing her thumb against the side of his hand. “I would never have said anything to anyone, not unless I trusted them. And I trust Jeanne.”

James gave her a disbelieving look. “You trust Jeanne, of all people? Are you serious?”

“James, if you heard what she told me, those few years ago, you’d have done the same. There was… a lot going on with her, really bad things. It doesn’t excuse anything, but it was why she was the way she was. She’s been such a good friend to me, now that all of it is behind us.” She didn’t meet his eyes, yet still held his hand despite its grip loosening slightly.

James seemed to lose his fire as he watched Rose droop. He sighed, though his tone was still firm. “I believe you, Rose. I’ve no doubt that things are different now. Obviously no one is the same as they were 10 years ago. Just promise me you will not tell anyone else, not unless you have a good reason to. I think you understand why that’s important.”

Rose didn’t want to imagine it, but she did anyway. Along with the media’s interpretations, the barrage of murders and deaths in the trans community was not unheard of, regardless of where they lived. The thought of it made her sick, the wrong person knowing and James ending up hurt. Again. And this time, with it being her fault.

“’M sorry. I didn’t mean to, not like that.”

James lifted her chin to meet his face, seeing tears forming in her eyes at how immensely guilty she felt. “I know you didn’t. I understand why it was a shock. I own up to that; that’s on me. Just… please be careful, next time.”

“I will. You, too. I’ll let you do the talking.” 

James smiled. “Good girl.” The kiss to her temple seemed to renew her confidence. He stood up, still holding her hand as she joined him. Suddenly, he pulled her closer to a point where their bodies were flushed together. One of his fingers looped around the belt loop of her jeans, tugging her hips just a tad bit closer to him. It sent a wave of fire into her abdomen. “Now… I don’t know about you, Rose Tyler, but I would very much like to be alone with you.” 

She reached up to peck him on the lips, giggling. “I’d very much like to be alone with you, too, James Noble. On to the next adventure?”

“You read my mind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes hello I teared up and almost cried like three times writing this chapter because holy fuck RELATABLE. Geez, fam, where can I get my own Rose Tyler? :P *bellows mating call*
> 
> I bounced around in their conversation quite a bit here, also, so I’m sorry if it felt haphazard and disjointed. I kinda wanted it to sound natural. Unsure if it came across that way, though XD


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major content warning for general misgendering and some questionable points of view in the beginning here. It tore my heart out to write it and it made me feel sick, but I had to pull the Band-Aids off. I’ll give you a cookie if you take a guess of what inspired me to write such vitriol.

Rose knocked on Jeanne’s door the moment she came back home around midnight from her outing with James. It was done with enough force to indicate to the blonde on the other end that it was important. She heard her friend moving around, though it took a suspiciously long time for her to make it to the door. She opened it, and Rose could tell by the look in her eyes that she was expecting her.

“Okay, what’re you playin’ at?”

Jeanne darted her eyes to the left and right before centering them back on Rose. “Pardon?”

“Don’t know about you, Jeanne, but I’m kinda tired of you being moody an’ rude about James, so what’s your deal? I thought if I left you alone for a few days you’d get out of it but apparently not.”

Jeanne seemed to wilt, the melancholy in her eyes palpable, and Rose thought that she wanted to tell her something important. But she saw her expression harden, as though she were on the defense. “Look, like… I admit I’m uncomfortable with the whole thing. It just… doesn’t make any logical sense. Like, at all.”

Rose sighed, understanding why Jeanne was confused, but felt exhausted at feeling inclined to explain all of what she and James talked about _again_. Suddenly she had an idea how he felt on a daily basis.

“What’s confusing? I’m dating a man, who happens to be trans, and I like him. Boom, done.”

Jeanne raised her eyebrow at her. “Well… Jenny’s not exactly a… _man_. At least, not initially.”

Rose’s anger flared. “Will you stop callin’ him ‘her’ and ‘Jenny', for god’s sake!”

Jeanne widened the door to her room in order to exit, and if Rose didn’t know any better the action looked confrontational. “Why, because she took some special drugs and removed her tits, so that means she’s a man now? And hid it from you so you wouldn’t find out that she’s not the real thing?” 

“Did the man you meet look like a ‘her’ to you?” Rose hadn’t seen this side of Jeanne in years, and the urge to slap her rather than talk to her was extremely tempting. Instead, she shut her eyes to compose herself, before meeting Jeanne’s eyes again. “Jeanne, I get that this is odd to you, but you haven’t the _slightest_ clue. Hell, I probably still haven’t a bloody clue, either, but if you knew anything about what’s been goin’ on nowadays you’d understand why he didn’t tell me right away, never mind that we used to be friends. It was a really painful process for him, to be seen as he is now. It’s not as simple as him just deciding one day to change for the sake of it.”

Jeanne was shaking her head at her, as though she was baffled and confused at Rose’s behavior. “I don’t know what you guys talked about out there, but somehow she’s convinced you that she’s a man despite what’s in her pants, and all in the span of about an hour.” Jeanne shut the door to her bedroom closed as she leaned against it. “Rose, I know that she was bullied—”

“Yeah, no thanks to you and Mark,” Rose said with a scowl.

Jeanne’s apologetic look was genuine. “And I’m not proud of it. I’m really not, Rose. I know you don’t believe me when I say that, but I am. My point, though, is that, well… how do you know that she’s just turned herself into a man because she’s been outcasted? Thinks that because she didn’t meet the standard for how women should be, that she must be a boy? Think about it, ever since she came to our school she’s always been alone, without a rhyme or reason. She was never very feminine, if at all. And here she is, years after it’s all over and—”

Rose rolled her eyes, eager to interrupt her. Pity was not flattering on her. “What are you getting at?”

“What if she’s gone and turned herself male to escape all that? Escape from the pain, from the expectations? Because she didn’t fit in? And probably still didn’t fit in after it was all over?”

Rose blanked at her, unable to process her reasoning. And then, she was bursting out a laugh behind her control. “Oh my god, Jeanne… what the fuck? Are you serious?”

“I am!” Rose became amused at Jeanne’s offended look. “Besides, what young girl doesn’t want to be a boy at some point in her life? Men get all the advantages, people treat you with more respect, they pay you more, and they always treat women like we’re not worth listening to—”

“Jeanne, holy shit, that’s… you’re literally 1000% wrong,” Rose said. “Yeah, it’s clear you didn’t hear a word of our conversation. Perspective is not your strong suit, honey.”

Jeanne’s glare was venomous. “Oh, so I can’t have an opinion now, is that it?”

Rose rubbed at her face. Time for more ibuprofen. “’S not the point, Jeanne! You’re judgin’ ‘im on something you learned like three days ago! Somethin’ you’re not even trying to understand, for that matter. You think he went through that because of some… some social class shite? Seriously? Maybe, just fucking maybe, if you put aside your preconceived notions, you’d try to get it. I know that’s what ’ve had to do. Because I… because he’s lovely and somehow became my best friend again and now, dare I say, my _boyfriend_ , and I’m sad you can’t see that.” 

Jeanne sighed, as though she were the one trying to get Rose to see her point, rather than the other way around. “It’s because you’re attached, Rose! That’s why it’s so easy for you to believe what _she_ told you. You’ve been holdin’ on to her for ages, long after we graduated. Of course you’re going to… to think of her like that again. I could tell when you guys first met, you were stuck together like glue even if you only knew each other for a few months. Isn’t it obvious that you’re just in a bi relationship?”

Rose wasn’t sure what to say to that. Her expression was emotionless.

“What? Don’t look at me that way! You absolutely had a crush on her in school!”

Rose let out a humorless laugh, rubbing one of her eyes and not looking at her. Exhaustion seeped into her pores. Today had become the longest day in history, and this just took the cake. “Okay, you know what? I’m done. I’m… so done.”

“Rose, stop being so—” 

“ _Goodnight_ , Jeanne!” came Rose’s reply, turning on her heel without another word.

Rose hurried herself past the bathroom door across the hall before Jeanne could say something more. The urge wash away the anger and frustration sounded like a decent distraction.

She got out of the shower to see that Jeanne’s door was shut and she was nowhere in sight. With a towel wrapped around her body and in her hair, Rose opened her door to give Jeanne a sickly-sweet smile.

“Oh, by the way? James is a _he_.”

She didn’t hear a peep out of her for the remainder of the night.

* * *

To say Donna was pleased with what was happening to her brother was an understatement.

Almost every morning, she would leave with him to go to work, and see him practically hum his way around the office. He made sure to schedule in dates with Rose as often as possible during the week, and as a result, had not become as much of the workaholic as he used to be. James was a lot more relaxed, less anxious, and for once he wasn’t driving her crazy. He thought she wasn’t noticing, but she could absolutely see just how happy he was, and it was reflected on the job. Even her colleagues were noticing the change. While always cordial, James was now often in high spirits. Any mention of it made him vehemently deny it out of embarrassment, only for him to hide his bashful smiles. It was adorable, really. The two were attached at the hip, not that she was expecting anything different. She had never seen him glow like this. She patted herself on the back for a job well done. And James thought _he_ was the genius.

Rose was over at their flat quite often, as she tended to get out later than her and James at her job. Based on what she had been hearing about Jeanne, Donna couldn’t blame her. She didn’t expect Jeanne to react that way around James, but then again, she wasn’t really all that surprised. As far as she remembered, Jeanne hadn’t met him; she was mainly Rose’s friend, and Donna considered Jeanne a friendly acquaintance, yet her constant use of James’s birthname made her avoid her flat as much as Rose was currently. For once she was grateful her brother was such a shut in, or else any attachment she would have had with Jeanne would have caused her a great deal of stress.

Donna shivered at the temperature in their flat. She wore a big fluffy sweater with a beanie on her head, and yet the early December chill was seeping straight into her skin. She hated those drafty windows, no matter how tightly she closed them. “Is there any way for you to fix that damn heater?”

James sighed from the couch, pausing the movie that he and Rose were watching. Rose bit her lip to hide a smirk, knowing that this was the fourth time they had to stop the film due to a whinnying Donna. “I already told you, there’s nothing I can do to about the old radiator heater. It is perfectly functional, it’s just the boiler downstairs. The repairman can’t get through this storm tonight, and you know that boiler is beyond even my comprehension. It’s older than Wilfred upstairs, for god’s sake, and he’ll be 90 in a year. Just get a blanket or finish the hot cocoa you said you were going to make.”

Donna groaned. “Thanks for being useless. God, of all times, why did the UK decide to host the biggest snowstorm in decades?”

“Yeah, ’ve never seen so much snow, and so early on this year,” Rose said, snuggling deeper into one of James’s fluffy blankets from his bedroom. The weather stations had warned about a severe storm, enough to close most stores and locations, especially the roads as they filled with several feet of snow and thick black ice from the rain of yesterday. If she was going to be stuck in a flat without having to go to work on a Saturday, she wanted to be with James. Jeanne was still grating on her nerves and her flatmate was refusing to talk to her as to _why_. The past month had been tense, living in the same space with her, yet it was bearable enough to not warrant arguments on a daily basis. 

She huffed to herself; she didn’t want to think about that now. She was cuddling up against her boyfriend, who was infuriatingly warmer than her naturally, and it took every ounce of self-control not to take off the V-neck t-shirt he was wearing in order to have skin-on-skin contact. He was wearing the cologne that she adored, and every time she caught a whiff of it on his chest she felt like she was home.

Rose felt him link his hand with hers, her body snuggled up to his as he was draped across the couch on his back, her curled in a ball against him. She felt him kiss her hair, before kissing her hand that held his. “We’ll have to start that old fireplace over there if it gets much colder,” he told her. “We’re up on the 3rd floor and I know it’ll drop below 10 degrees in here, if you’re staying the night.” 

“But then you’ll have to mooooove,” Rose complained, holding him in place as though to keep him from getting up.

“Well then, you start the fireplace,” he said, smiling down at her. “I’d be happy to be lazy on this couch.”

“But that still requires moving,” she said, pouting. She made a disgruntled noise as she went completely under the blanket next to him. “An’ you’re nice an’ toasty and I don’t want to leave!” Her voice was muffled by the blanket, making James chuckle. “Why are men always so warm? ’S so unfair!”

“Metabolic rates. More muscle mass and more energy used to operate said muscle mass. So, we’re like little walking heat islands.”

Rose giggled underneath him, poking her head out of the blanket as she looked up at him. Pieces of her hair fell in front of her face and he could hear the static. “Of course you would know somethin’ about that, you hoarder of useless knowledge.”

“It is not useless,” James said with an undignified sniff. “You were curious about human biology, something I am adept in, and I gave you an answer. Didn’t you find it useful?”

Rose pretended to look unamused at his hopeful expression. “No.”

James squinted his eyes at her, before dramatically pulling the blanket off of her body and exposing her to the dropping temperature in the room. She squeaked, trying to grapple the vital piece of blanket out of his hand, but his grip was too strong. His triumphant laugh made her all the more determined to fight him. “’M freezin’ my arse off, give it back you jerk!”

“You have a walking heat island right next to you and you want the blanket?” James teased, using his free hand to wrap his arm across her waist. He gently tickled her middle, making her yelp and giggle against him as she squirmed to get out of his grasp, not that she would ever want to. “See? Toasty,” he said in her ear once he was done torturing her, chastely kissing her cheek.

“You’re such a flirt.”

He nipped the back of her ear and trailed a few kisses down her neck. His grin widened when he felt her shiver. “Takes one to know one.” He was about to capture his lips to hers when he heard footsteps. 

“When you two are done being disgustingly cute, the hot cocoa is ready,” Donna quipped, sipping said cocoa as she looked over at the two of them curled on the couch. James threw the pillow he was leaning his head against at her without aiming, which his sister dodged. He had pretty decent accuracy, despite the current distraction on his lap. “Ha, ha! Missed me!”

James groaned, making Rose giggle on top of him. “I just want you all to myself. Why does my sister have to be here?” he told her.

Rose kissed him on the corner of his mouth. “C’mon, you can’t turn down hot chocolate.”

James sighed. “Yeah, you’re right.” 

Reluctantly getting up, James couldn’t help but teasingly pinch her bum through the blanket she had wrapped around her body, making her jump with a squeak that made him grin. She dropped her jaw as he gave her a saucy wink. 

“Why, you little—!” Rose sprinted forward to do the same, but he took off right into the kitchen. Their attempts to catch the other by moving back and forth between the kitchen island caused Donna to nearly drop her mug of cocoa, not expecting the fast-moving bodies.

“Okay, clearly you two aren’t done being disgustingly cute! Save it and sit down! I swear, trying to get you two to do anything is like herding cats!”

James rolled his eyes, noticing that Rose was looking at him with flirtatious glee, his favorite blanket tugged around her body and he couldn’t stop the warmth that flooded him. His scent was now all over her and it fueled his masculine pride. “All right, all right, fine, we’ll be boring and have your cocoa, keep your pants on. Can’t do anything fun in this place…”

“Well, at least not while I’m around,” Donna said, smirking through her cocoa. 

James frowned. “Donna!”

His sister giggled at him. “So, what you wanna do? We got all bloody night for a sleepover and I’m sure tomorrow’s closed as well.”

“Don’t jinx it,” Rose said. “Please. Last I checked I had to close on Sunday.”

“I swear, Rose, you need a vacation,” Donna said. “I know you do, because retail works you until you’re bone dry. Nearly cost me my sanity, not that much has changed now that I’m stuck with this fool all day. When are you gonna drop that stupid place?”

Rose shrugged. “I dunno. I’ve got a good amount saved up, at least to last me a few years if I didn’t have a job lined up. Maybe it is time for a change.”

James stood quietly, feeling the hot chocolate warm him from the inside as he was starting to finally feel the chill. He watched the exchange between his sister and his Rose, wondering how he could possibly be so lucky to have them both in his life. His eyes warmed at watching Rose talk, seeing the light of passion in her eyes when she began telling Donna about her painting she had been slaving over for the past month since he got together with her. He’d seen the process for himself, yet he admitted her work wasn’t as beautiful as its maker.

He sometimes had to pinch himself for the fact that he could be with someone like her. He dreamed of it for so long, to know for certain that his heart wouldn’t shatter. And it was happening to him now. A part of him knew that it’s only been a month, that anything could happen, but the foolish, hopeful, lovesick side of himself was determined to justify it by telling him that Rose Tyler was different. His normally logical and pragmatic mind believed it. 

Oh, he had it _bad_.

“Well someone’s off in la-la land,” came Rose’s quip. He jerked back to meet her eyes and a heated blush made his way down his neck. Her lovely smile directed at him caused his heart to throb and heat to warm his abdomen. 

“Just… thinking of someone I know,” he said with his own smile. 

Rose’s smile widened. “Oh yeah? Who’s that, then?”

He crossed over the other side of the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her and putting his head between her neck and shoulder. “A beautiful, lovely blonde woman that makes me melt every time I look at her.”

Donna groaned loudly beside them. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

“’M afraid it’s my fault,” Rose teased. “’S tragic, really… when they lose their heads. They all do in the end.” She tsked at him, yelping when she felt James pinch her hips with a free hand. She felt his grin from behind her, knowing that it had an effect on her.

“And just for that, I’m declaring an Uno War, if you’re up for it,” James said to the two women beside him.

“’M gonna cream you,” Donna said in a mock-dangerous voice. “Mainly because I had to watch my brother be flirty right in front of me like he’s a randy teenager without self-control.”

“Uno?” Rose said with a mock gasp as Donna collected it from the drawer. “James… that game’s been known to ruin families. Nations have fallen from its infamy. Are you sure?”

“Oh, I’m very sure,” James said. “Because I know I’ll win.”

Rose bit her lip to hide a laugh, familiar with the competitive nature of their relationship. She couldn’t help but feel a bit aroused by that, seeing his proud smirk and wanting to kiss it off him. “Is that a challenge, good sir?”

James chastely kissed her lips. “If you’re up for it.” Rose nodded, kissing him back. 

“Dear god you two, _please_ stop doin’ that in front of me, and sit down so I can destroy you both,” Donna said, uncorking the bottle of wine from the fridge. “Prepare to die!”

* * *

Two games and a glass of wine between each of them later, and Rose was the one doing the winning, to Donna’s delight at seeing James get absolutely slaughtered. She never thought that a simple game of Uno on a blistery night would be fun, and yet the mood had never been higher. The wine helped, too.

Rose had once again put down a pick-up four card and James growled in defeat. It was now his third game of having almost the entire deck in his hands and an overabundance of red cards. 

“Sorry, what was that about winning?” Rose said, her signature grin plastered on her face. “By the way, the color’s red.”

Donna barked out a laugh as she revealed the three cards remaining in her hand, knowing what James had since he was bad at keeping his cards to himself. She was tempted to just forgo the game and just watch them banter. James sighed, shoving Rose playfully as she shoved him back. He took the bottle of wine to refill his glass.

“Careful there, James, don’t want a repeat of the TARDIS Café,” Rose said, finishing her drink.

“Oh, _piss off_ ,” James said, though his smile indicated that he wasn’t annoyed as he poured himself a second glass less filled than the first. Rose giggled next to him, the blanket she had sported now on her lap. The fireplace was now roaring to life behind her, and the need for the soft blanket lessened as she no longer felt the significant chill that had continued to drop as the hours ticked by. James could only gaze at her, the warmth of the fire’s light haloing Rose’s figure as though she were an angel coming down from heaven. Devoid of makeup and wearing a pink graphic t-shirt, she seemed to get prettier every time he saw her. 

“It’s a good thing that cheap stuff is only 5% proof, or else you’d be rolling around havin’ a fit by now,” Donna said. “Because I know for certain that any two servings of something stronger than a limoncello has you gigglin’ like a little school girl.”

James shook his head, sighing. “What is this, Let’s Attack James Day?”

Before he could blink, Rose tackled him, making him yelp out and causing his back to hit the pillows and blankets they had set up on the floor they were all sitting on. “Yep, and I gotcha! Say your prayers!”

James easily overpowered her as Rose let out a surprised laugh, the two of them attempting to outmaneuver the other as Donna only sipped her wine and watched them with an amused smile. James managed to pin down her wrists as Rose tried to sit up, but she knew he was too strong, and she could only pout as he ran his eyes over her. “Now, Rose Tyler, what makes you think you can keep me down for long?”

Rose only smiled cheekily, lifting her head up to kiss him on the lips and deepening it. Right when she began using tongue, resulting in a moan from him, she pushed herself upwards, managing to get out of his grasp as she cheered on top of him in victory. 

“You dirty cheater!” James shouted, though his pupils had increased in size and he was very much liking what was happening. Rose’s smile was wide enough to burst her face. “Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!” 

“Toddlers. You two are _toddlers_ ,” the redhead scolded beside them. 

She could only roll her eyes and shake her head at what she came to expect. If Donna admitted to herself, though, it was charming. She was enthralled with how easily her brother let his defenses down around Rose. Rarely had anyone done so, and so easily and quickly. She wanted to tear up with happiness, having seen James grow up before her eyes and finally get to experience what so many people took for granted. And somehow, she almost felt like she was intruding on this moment. She smirked evilly to herself. Upon checking the clock, it only confirmed what she was thinking.

“Blimey, you two, it’s 11. I’m actually knackered.”

The playfighting stopped as they both looked at Donna, James being pinned by Rose’s hands on his chest and her practically straddling his lap. Donna bit her lip, blushing a bit at what they weren’t even aware of yet. “Yeah, this wine’s making me a bit sleepy, I think. I’m gonna hit the hay.” She, in fact, was not that tired at all, but she certainly wasn’t thick.

“Oh, well goodnight then, Donna,” James said, looking slightly confused at his sister’s declaration but didn’t press it.

“It’s a good night, all right,” Donna said. “Even though it’s below freezing. At least, not for long.” And with that, she was out of the room, knowing that the confusion on James’s face would be short-lived. If she didn’t see what she expected to happen that night, she would probably smack the both of them for being idiots.

James was suddenly aware of one thing: Rose Tyler, on his lap, while he looked up at her, her hair dangling near his face and her soft skin on the exposed area of his V-neck t-shirt. It sent a spark straight through his spine and he could smell her scent devoid of perfume. She looked and smelled incredible and he wished that an indication of his arousal were possible. Every cell in his body craved her and he was quickly growing desperate. Her eyelashes fluttered over her honey-brown eyes, a shy smile on her lips as she felt her hand stroke his cheek.

“’M glad I’m with you,” she told him, pecking him on the lips. He wanted her lips to stay there, but she had pulled away far too quickly for his liking. 

His eyes were soft when he gazed back at her, lifting himself of the floor to let his elbows support his torso. “So am I. So much.” He couldn’t stop himself from lifting up to kiss her again, opening his mouth to grant her access as she eagerly accepted. He smirked as he heard her gasp at his eagerness. In response, he gripped her waist, stroking his way up her belly and around her back as they attempted to get even closer together, if it were possible. He was rewarded with her tugging at his clothing, making needy sounds as well and it was probably the most amazing music he had ever heard.

The words were on his lips. He could taste them every time her touch electrified his skin, could feel them as Rose laced her soft fingers in his hair and tried to tug his shirt off. He wanted to say them, so badly did he desire to tell her as he lost himself to how intoxicated he was becoming by this woman he never wanted to leave.

Yet he didn’t.

 _Coward._

The next thing James knew, he had his fingers unclipping Rose’s bra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rose’s adorable t-shirt, holy shit I need my next girlfriend to wear this](https://us.shein.com/Galaxy-Print-Letter-Tee-p-542811-cat-1738.html)
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed the tooth-rotting, almost cringey-cute fluff. You all deserved it, for dealing with all the shite these two have to put up with! I leave you with a cliffhanger of what’s to come next chapter ;) Because I’m a big ol’ meanie like that.
> 
> I’m also hoping that this doesn’t seem too fast? Like… I know last chapter it was a month ago for them but idk. Let me know what you guys are thinking. I’d like to think they couldn’t stand not doing anything after that decent amount of time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW HERE OH MY GOD 
> 
> This chapter is likely one of the more important ones, as well as the hardest to write for me. And the longest. Again, for good reason. I’m a bit nervous with this chapter, honestly. It’s probably one of the most personal ones so far, and I hope as a result it doesn’t make y’all feel awkward and weird about it haha Lots of questions will be answered, both by you and by Rose! 
> 
> Also, this chapter is nsfw. Obviously. Let me know if it will garner a rating increase, because I’m unsure of the level of detail it requires for it be marked. I can’t say I’m very experienced to justify it though, if you catch my drift lol So all of this? My imagination ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

Rose arched into his touch, his cold hands palming her nipples as she gasped his name, the t-shirt she had worn somewhere on the floor behind her. James warmed at the sight, seeing her look so utterly gorgeous in the light that his desire to taste her was too much to hold down much longer. He brought his mouth to her left nipple, smirking at the delicious noises that came out of her mouth as he felt her fingers dig into his hair to keep him there. He trailed his wandering hands down her back, to her hourglass figure, to the trousers that certainly _had_ to go.

Rose let go of his head as he moved on to her right breast, feeling him dip his fingers to feel her knickers. “James?” she said, her tone breathy.

He let her go with a pop, his eyes gazing into hers. For a moment, he wondered if he did something wrong or read her incorrectly. “Is this okay?” he said.

She nodded, but she looked contemplative. “Are… are you sure?”

“ _Please_.”

His immediate response had an effect on her. Her pupils had increased in size and she looked just as interested to continue where they left off. She rubbed her fingers over his cheeks, wanting to taste him again. “But… but I wouldn’t be able to give the same unless I—”

“Let me, Rose,” he said, firmly kissing her lips. “I want to give this to you. I don’t give a fuck about me, just… please let me.” His eyes darted below her waist, and she caught on quickly. She didn’t argue with him any longer. 

Rose helped him take off her trousers as he did the same, eventually removing her knickers and turning her around to let her lean against the couch, her bum being supported by being in his lap. Her sex was near his, sending hot need straight through her. James wanted to see every inch of her as he made her come undone, and the orangey glow of the fire was close enough to illuminate every detail. He simply stared for a moment, as she tucked a hair behind her ear at his gaze. She was as lovely as he imagined she’d be when unclothed. 

“Like what you see?” she teased with a low voice, wiggling underneath him to watch him squirm. It worked, as he grunted with a lustful look in his eye.

“You trying to kill me, woman?” he said darkly, capturing his lips to hers as proceeded to lift her to the couch cushions. She let out a delighted squeal, being silenced quickly when James reconnected his mouth to hers with a growl. He could feel her breathing quicken as he trailed his lips and tongue down her body, leaving a hickey right between her breasts. The moan he received from that fueled his own desire. He continued his way down, mapping her body, leaving hot kisses to her belly and her hips. James could tell that she was desperate now, as he felt her legs open ever so slightly to give him better access. 

He suddenly halted his progress, his eyes looking back at hers as she bit her lip in anticipation. She whined, missing his mouth on her. “James… please, for the love of _god_.”

James laughed at her, using his long fingers to touch her belly as he left marks on her inner thigh. He was tantalizingly close to her sex, his mouth near her pubic hairs, and she wanted to scream. Even without tasting her James could tell she was soaking wet.

He felt Rose use her foot to gently kick his side in sexual frustration. “I’m gonna kill you.”

James laughed out loud, deciding instead to leave open mouthed kisses to her other thigh as his fingers made their slow descent to touch the outer lips of her opening. He knew it was having an effect on her, the way she was attempting to use her other foot to bring him closer. At last he relented, as he brought his mouth to her clit to finally taste her. The flavor was enough to making him groan into her sex, as Rose immediately gripped his hair and tugged. The feeling of her fingers tangling in his hair and pulling at the strands felt amazing on his scalp, and it only spurred him on. He was correct that she was soaking wet and he eagerly lapped up her arousal.

Swirling his tongue over the area that she wanted, he held her legs in place to avoid her thrashing, and it was causing her to grip the couch and move her head in several directions to avoid an orgasm crashing into her already.

“ _Fuck_ , James,” she breathed, crying out when she felt some of his tongue enter her opening. As quickly as he did so, he left, and he laughed when she groaned with need. She had felt his laugh right on her and it didn’t help her arousal at all. Simultaneously he moved his tongue over her and then inserted his finger, moving in a continuous rhythm that he could feel was working marvelously. “Yes!” he heard her almost yell out, and he couldn’t help but feel immensely pleased at what he was doing to her. He was extremely thankful that he was hitting the right notes. He was embarrassingly inexperienced, at least in general, and he didn’t want to let it show.

It didn’t take much longer, as he could feel her clench around his digits once he added a second finger. Two, three, four thrusts and a quick nip to her clitoris and she was over the edge. She almost cried out but all that she managed was a silent, open-mouthed scream.

Her eyes were hooded when she looked at him, her body relaxed underneath him as he tasted her once more to ease her down. Once he met her gaze, her smile was warm with affection.

Rose cast her eyes downward, suddenly mortified. “Sorry. Didn’t last that long. ‘S been a while.”

James was at a loss, seeing the dwindling heat of the fire shining through and it made her eyes glow in a way that took his breath away. He shook his head. “Don’t be embarrassed. That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness.”

Rose giggled, hiding her face with her hair and her hands with an adorable, bashful smile and a flush of her cheeks. “Emphasis on the ‘pleasure’.”

James groaned into the couch at her pun, making her laugh harder. “And you ruined it.”

She used her knee to hit his shoulder and stuck his tongue out at him, which made him peak at her sex again with renewed arousal. He kissed the knee that hit his shoulder, holding it with his hand as he looked at her like she hung the very stars. Rose could see that his gaze was shy again, as though he was nervous to ask her something and she couldn’t help but find it charming that he was being so considerate of how she felt. It made her want to cry. 

“I want to try something,” he said quietly.

Rose wet her lips, nodding to let him know to continue. “What?”

“I’ll show you.”

Without warning, he scooped her up in his arms, making her yelp in surprise and gripping his neck as she attempted to bend her knees closer to her body in order to support her own weight. “Hey! I can walk, you know!” She giggled at him when he only kissed her temple. She wiggled around as he started walking, completely ignoring the fact that she was stark naked and that they were walking away from the warm living room. “Put me down!” 

“And not be able to touch you? Absolutely not.” He then used one of his fingers to gently touch her still-sensitive sex, making her gasp, since he had one of his arms positioned near her bottom.

“You little arsehole!” she squealed, lightly slapping his chest.

James winked at her, clicking his tongue at her. “Oh, stop complaining. I felt you clench.” Rose didn’t retort to that, which made him smirk in victory. 

He didn’t want to let her go, as her soft body felt wonderful on his hands, but James eventually set her down once they reached his bedroom door, quickly making sure to get her to his bed so that she wouldn’t freeze. He could tell she was already cold and to be honest, so was he. He immediately wrapped himself into her, and she sighed with relief at feeling the warmth of his body as well as the blankets envelope her. He could practically smell her arousal all over her, and he knew that she was ready once again. 

Lightly dragging his knuckles across her cheek affectionately, Rose brought him back. “So, what was it you wanted to show me, James?”

He gulped audibly. “Well… it’s not necessarily show but more of telling. You… I know I said that I couldn’t give you what other men can. But… that doesn’t mean I can’t penetrate you.”

At Rose’s confusion, James looked down at himself, at the familiar bulge that Rose knew wasn’t real. “I did some digging. And I found something that I think can work. It’s a lot more… _advanced_ , for lack of a better word, than what I’m used to, though.”

Rose’s expression morphed from delighted shock to confusion. “So… ‘s like a dildo? Or something like that?”

James chuckled despite himself. “Well, in a way. But this prosthetic is malleable. It looks and feels like the real thing, so I can bend it to make it erect, so to speak, all while attached to me. I normally just have something I use for daily wear, just what gets the job done.”

“And you found it… for this purpose?”

James could only nod, a pleading, vulnerable look in his eyes that she couldn’t help but melt at. She wasn’t sure what to say, as she was too touched to think straight. He had gone through the process of looking for something to experience this with her, and she couldn’t help but fall a little harder for him for it.

“James… I want this, I really do… but you don’t have to do this if it makes you uncomf—”

“I _do_ want this, Rose,” he said, and he sounded deadly serious. “Believe me, I’ve waited for this bloody thing for ages. For a variety of reasons. And… I want to make you feel good.”

Even though they were under the covers, their bottom halves hidden from the chill, she felt something press against her thigh once he put his hand down into the darkness, and she jumped. She wasn’t expecting something to be there, even though she knew he wore something as a placeholder. And he was correct—it certainly felt like the real thing.

“Thank god my pants have an opening,” he breathed. Rose laughed through her nose. She figured that underneath his undergarments there would be something holding said prosthetic up, and she sympathized with his need to hide it by keeping his pants on. She didn’t press him about it. She knew better than that, knew that this was a big step for him, and he was likely nervous as all hell. He was being brave about it, though, and it made her want him even more.

She cupped his cheek, using her other hand to tug at the t-shirt he still wore. James seemed to hesitate as she heard him swallow, but he began tugging it off with a renewed sense of courage. She couldn’t see anything too vividly in the small amount of light through the window, but if she hadn’t met him or known what she had known, she doubted she would have noticed a difference. He looked like any other man to her, and that’s all she cared about.

“I also think you should know…” he started, and she felt him rut into the side of her hip experimentally, making him bite back a groan. She blanked, both confused and excited. “… that this thing can most definitely satisfy me, too.”

“Wait… so there’s something there in it to…?”

His smile was genuine. She blinked back her happy tears, reaching up to kiss him on the lips as he reciprocated. She didn’t have words. This was probably a lifesaver for him.

“I want you,” she said.

“As you wish,” he said, smirking at what she could only guess was a reference to The Princess Bride. She rolled her eyes. It was what they were watching before their game of Uno.

He prepared her by teasing her opening with his fingers, using his other free hand to gently feel her breasts and her puckering nipples. Rose arched her body upwards when he pinched said nipples, making James preen. After a moment or two of that, Rose was tired of that nonsense, and she broke apart from him to look at him with half-hooded eyes.

“Need you, please,” she begged. “James, _please_.”

She didn’t have to tell him twice. In one tentative motion, he lined up and inserted with her legs wrapping around his center. She was still slick both from her previous orgasm and from her renewed arousal, so the process was simple. She was not expecting what she felt. She was surprised to feel that it was hot, as it had been sitting against his own body for a while, but it also felt like the real thing, too. She wondered how that was possible, but her brain told her that it was absolutely compatible.

“Is this all right?” he practically whispered, not moving while inside of her and she nodded, trying to buck into him to encourage him to move. At her enthusiasm he began thrusting, quietly inhaling at the sensation, and she admitted it was clumsy at first. But eventually, as he found the right spot, she was reacting to it accordingly and he was getting more comfortable with the experience. 

“Oh my god,” she heard him say to himself, his eyes falling shut. He made sure to thrust into her correctly, knowing that he couldn’t feel her, before attempting to chase his own release. Rose didn’t even care if she came again, she wanted to see him do this. She doubted he had ever done this before. Rose couldn’t imagine the idea of never feeling the satisfaction of release the way you knew how, orgasming in a way that didn’t feel right but was necessary for your own pleasure. She knew for certain that he had never, ever done it this fashion before, not without feeling uncomfortable. Her intimate moment with him took on a new meaning, then. 

“That’s it, babe,” she said to him, gripping his biceps as she used one of her hands to trail down his back, feeling his slender yet lean form. She felt him shudder when she felt his backside, kissing his jaw and liking the sensation of his clean-shaven face. His breathing was becoming ragged, and his own enjoyment spurred on her own need for release. He hit her in just the right spot once he rutted, making her cry out against his lips. 

She noticed that he was thrusting into her faster, and she knew that he was probably close already. “Come for me,” she said in his ear, nipping his earlobe and using her nails to lightly tease his throat and down his neck. She was getting moderately close as well, as the pleasure was reaching its peak. She could feel it build, and that’s when she felt him still, as he sucked in a breath in and moaned, though he still managed to thrust in order to get her to finish, too. She didn’t feel the familiar warmth of a man’s release inside, though her orgasm crashed into her after his before she could contemplate the differences further. She found that she didn’t care, too caught up with how much she wanted this with him.

James stayed inside of her, wishing and yet thanking every god he didn’t believe in that he could do this with her, yet wishing he could feel her satisfaction like he felt on his fingers. That didn’t matter, though, because the mere fact that he was there in that moment with her was satisfaction enough. He laughed breathily in relief and happiness, leaving tender kisses on her cheeks, at the corner of her mouth, and on her jaw, trying to keep back tears in his eyes. She did the same, eventually meeting his lips again. She was addicted to it, the feeling of him kissing her with all the passion in his heart and she felt dizzy at how amazing it felt.

She looked at him sleepily, could feel his heart beating strongly on his chest. “I’m proud of you.”

James lowered himself down to rest his head against the bed, cuddling himself closer to Rose’s smaller body as he wrapped his arms around her. He pulled himself out of her and readjusted, letting Rose’s head fit against the crook of his neck as the warmth of their bodies drowned out the chill that wanted to seep into the covers. James hummed in satisfaction, feeling so at peace that he never wanted to leave his bed so long as Rose was in it with him.

Rose felt along James’s chest, feeling the small amount of chest hair in the center, and a small amount starting to form on his pecs. She assumed that as he got older, hair would become a lot more prevalent there. That was when she felt indentations of scars that felt old, and her curiosity was piqued. James seemed to sense this, almost expecting it. 

“Is it all right if I turn the lights on?” she asked. James nodded, seeing the curiosity in her eyes despite the limited light. He didn’t feel as nervous anymore, not with her. He never felt so comfortable in his life. He shut his eyes to prepare himself for the bright light and he felt the shine through his eyelids.

Rose couldn’t see anything that made him stand apart from a typical man before, yet she could now see why he was so tentative to take off his shirt now that she could see him clearly, bare to her. She noticed a vertical pair of scars underneath his nipples, which were perpendicular to a longer horizontal one underneath each pectoral. They appeared faint, but the scars were noticeable enough to get her attention. And yet, if she blocked out the scars, it was easy to visualize him as he was, without the reminder that he wasn’t born male. He was stone still, his hand stroking her arm as she looked at his chest. 

“Can I touch?” she asked quietly. He nodded, still silent. 

Tentatively, she felt the scar near one of his nipples, and James thanked the universe that he still retained sensation there after surgery. The feeling of her fingers on his chest was enough to make him break down. 

Rose smiled at him, meeting his eyes. “I wouldn’t have known any different, James. You’re… you’re gorgeous. Really.” 

His smile made the butterflies in her stomach flutter, and she could see every faint freckle underneath his eyes. His gaze was shy, even though he was looking directly at her, his hand brushing her hair out of her face. “Thank you, Rose.”

She smiled back at him, though James could tell that she wanted to ask questions. For once, he welcomed them. “When did you get them? The scars, I mean.”

“About… 8 years ago, give or take?” he said, looking upwards as though to think about it.

“Was that to remove your chest?” she asked. “So you wouldn’t have to use the bandages?”

“Yes. And well, thank god for that because I would have never even taken my shirt off in front of you,” he said, though he didn’t look sad saying it.

Rose looked at his chest again before meeting his eyes. “I think I would have preferred that, too. Because if you even looked uncomfortable taking it off now, when you had surgery, then I can’t imagine what it would have felt like if you still had ‘em.”

James laughed through his nose. “Blimey, Rose, I wouldn’t have done any of what we did tonight if that were the case.”

Rose drifted her hand back up to curl it around his neck, feeling the short strands on his nape. He shut his eyes briefly at the sensation, and she laughed at seeing him almost purr like a cat. “What was it like, to get them off?”

James looked down in no particular direction, as though he were thinking back. “Rose, it was… _incredible_. I mean… don’t get me wrong, I was nervous as all hell. Because it was major surgery, and anything could go wrong. But after a long time of waiting, seeing myself without them… it…” He didn’t seem to have the right words, as he tried to think of them. “It was freeing.”

Rose seemed to sense his vulnerability, absentmindedly touching the back of his neck as he talked. “What was the first thing you did, once you recovered?”

James’s grin was ear splitting. “I ran. I burst out the door and ran until my lungs burned. Because I didn’t have to wear anything to keep anything in place.”

Rose chuckled. “Oh my god, that’s totally something you would do. You can’t sit still to save your arse.” He laughed with her.

“And you’d be right,” he laughed. “Recovery was torture, holy shit. Donna as per usual wanted to strangle me, I constantly bugged her about wanting to do anything other than sit down and watch telly. I had to keep my arms at my sides for weeks, to avoid the stitches from stretching the skin. I’m… I’m thankful that any damage I might have done prior to the surgery didn’t result in complications.”

Rose looked at him seriously. “So, you mean that binding your chest can cause a problem, if you keep doin’ it? I mean, that makes sense to me.” 

“Absolutely. It can make surgery—top surgery, that is—a risky thing. The elasticity of my skin was what saved it from being botched. I’m happy with the results, because of that. I’m a lucky bastard.” At his last statement, he seemed to think about it a bit longer, as though he had to remind himself of that very fact.

“And don’t you forget it, mister,” she teased, poking his nose.

He looked at her with a small smile. “I won’t.”

Rose then looked contemplative. “Wait… if you don’t mind me askin’, what was your size anyway? ‘Cause… it looks good. Like, it doesn’t look like there was an issue at all.”

James didn’t seem bothered, which was a first for him. He found it got easier to talk to her about these subjects. It helped that he felt comfortable around Rose to talk about it, too. He blew a breath through his cheeks. “Damn, it’s been a while since I thought about that. ‘M not sure I remember.” He looked down at Rose’s own chest, smirking a bit at what he saw, making her blush, before he said, “I’m thinking I was about your size?”

“Oh, I’m a B cup,” she said. 

“Yeah, I think that was mine, too,” James said. “I was on the smaller side, thankfully.” He realized the implications of what he said, and quickly recovered. “Erm…not that there’s anything wrong with a B cup. Or being on the smaller side initially. Yours are… quite lovely. Like… _really_ lovely. Good set, I must say. A+.” 

Rose snorted a laugh, not helping herself as she felt him chuckle against her. “I knew what you meant, you idiot.”

“I know, but you laughed, so it was worth it,” he smirked.

Rose chastely kissed him as a reward, as her mind wandered. She was enamored with how easily he was talking with her. It was so different than what she remembered from him. It was a good change, she admitted. 

Her gaze suddenly shifted, as her mind went down memory lane. James sensed it, looking at her with a worried glance. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Rose smiled reassuringly, letting him know she was okay. “James… I’ve… I’ve wanted to ask you since I realized who you were. It’s driven me mad for ages—”

“What happened, that night?” he finished for her, rubbing his thumb over her soft cheek. She put a kiss to his palm. 

“I don’t mean to bring it up like this, I just…”

“Rose, I don’t blame you at all. I wasn’t exactly… straightforward,” he said.

“Yeah, and that bothers me, because that makes me more worried,” she told him. “You don’t have to go into detail, because I know it’s painful, I just… I just need to know if you were okay, that night. Because you disappeared after that an’…” 

James sighed, knowing that he couldn’t keep it locked away forever. He remembered Donna yelling at him to talk to someone, anyone, if it wasn’t going to be her, but he didn’t listen. He didn’t want to relive the memories. And yet…

_Rose is different._

“Rose, I know what you ask is meant in good faith,” he said, reassuring her. He could read her eyes, and what they broadcasted to him was worry that she was upsetting him. Once again, her compassion made his heart burst with affection for this girl. “So… after school, I sometimes liked to just go the library, which was near the estates. I used to go there all the time, you know, reading geeky things.” She smiled at that. “At the time, I did want to go into astrophysics, so I was preparing myself because I was excited. I went into university not long after I was relocated to a different school, so… anyway, I’m stalling, aren’t I?” He cleared his throat. “My curfew was an abysmal 10pm even though I was almost old enough to drink. So, I left the library to go back home, because my mum was strict with us and she would have my head if I came back 30 seconds late. I knew I was gonna be late. But the library wasn’t too far away from the house, maybe a 20-minute walk. I was just a block away from the library when I heard voices behind me. I recognized them as Mark, and he sounded kinda… drunk? Maybe not super drunk but I dunno.” 

“Fuck, I knew it,” Rose said quietly. “He was at the party I left that night.”

“That explains why he was wasted,” James continued. “As always him and his friends were making stupid jokes, so I just kept walkin’ because I was used to it. Nothing I could do. But… they started mock-charging me. I knew they were because I would hear their footsteps pick up behind me every once in a while, and it terrified me. But eventually they just fell back, so I brushed it off.

“A few minutes later, I turned a corner and there they were. I saw a glint behind Mark, and I heard him say something, but I don’t remember what it was. Probably just some stupid slur, I dunno. I tried to run but his friends were behind me, too, and before I knew it they were trying to undress me.”

He felt Rose grab onto his hand.

“I was tall, but not very strong, obviously,” James said, trying to joke but it fell flat. “They easily overpowered me. I still don’t have that damn jumper, after all these years. I could tell what they wanted to do, and in order to subdue me they used what I realized was a knife to leave cuts. They weren’t very deep, hence no scars, but they were painful enough to make me comply. After a dozen or so cuts, I finally relented and stood still. Right when Mark tried to pull my trousers down, though, I kicked him with my knee in his face and shoved off his friends. They were apparently drunk enough to be distracted by that, and I ran like hell.”

Rose blinked back her tears. He didn’t need to see her cry. “Did they say anything to you? Like… this sounds so random. I’d never thought Mark would…”

James darted his eyes before meeting hers. “The only thing I remember Mark saying, was something like, ’Maybe a dick would turn her straight’.”

Rose’s breath hitched, anger boiling over as her eyebrows met. The comment wasn’t directed at her, yet she felt it kick her in the gut anyway. 

“I didn’t run back home, because I didn’t want them to know where I lived. So, I just… ran everywhere, and in order for you to find me I guess I went in the opposite direction of where I lived. They were still following me, somehow. I knew they weren’t sober, so I’m surprised they knew their own names, really. I eventually managed to lose them, but after running for so long the bandages were starting to hurt. ‘S why I was coughing so damn much. You’re not supposed to exercise with anything that binds your chest. Obviously, I didn’t have a choice. And… well, that’s when you found me, after I ducked into an alley.”

Rose swallowed the lump in her throat, wiping her eyes as she felt him rub her shoulder. Funny how he was comforting her rather than the other way around. James knew it was out of empathy. “Thank you, for telling me. I’m… I’m so sorry, I swear, if Mark wasn’t already fucking dead—”

“That wasn’t the end.”

James’s tentative voice brought her back, and she almost looked too shocked to speak again. “What?”

James readjusted his position in the bed, kissing her temple as a thank you for listening. He knew he had to talk about it. No running this time. “You saw the bandages on my chest, and well, so did my mum. She asked about it, once she looked me over because of _course_ she did. Can’t be bothered to let me breathe for half a second…”

Rose’s eyes widened in realization. “You weren’t out to her.”

“No. But she knew now. And the response was not positive.” James let in a breath, before letting it out. “Called me confused, mentally ill. Wanted me to see a doctor, or a therapist, or whatever. To see if there was something wrong with me. I tried to explain to her that… that I felt like that for ages, that it wasn’t anything new, but she never listened. Said I’d get over it, grow up and realize I was livin’ a fantasy.”

Rose didn’t have the experience to comment on it. Yet her heart hurt for him. “What about your dad?”

“He wasn’t in the picture. Never found out, really. My parents got divorced when I was 13, so he wasn’t living with us at all. Even when I asked for his help, at least financially to help pay for college, I never told him. Didn’t want to. I… I didn’t want the same response.”

“Did… did your mum kick you out?” Rose had to know. She heard too many stories of that exact nature one too many times to not ask.

“Oh, god no! My mum wasn’t like that. She just… did not get it. At all.” James cleared his throat, as though he was trying not to let it get to him. Rose could tell, however, that even after 10 years, it was still affecting him. His attempts to remain emotionally detached were failing. “Before I went off to university, I had overheard my mum talk with one of her friends over the phone. It was like, I dunno, midnight, and I was usually in bed, but I went downstairs to use the bathroom. And… well… she said to her friend that I’ve been tellin’ her I’m a boy, and that she was scared to death of it. She didn’t want people thinking she had a freak for a daughter. That I was going off to university and she couldn’t wait for me to leave so she would stop hearing me correct her on how to address me. She said she regretted having kids, because she had to… deal with the notion that one of them was different.”

Rose could tell he was trying exceedingly hard not to let it affect him. She squeezed his hand to let him know, that he was in his right to be upset.

“I… I knew then, immediately, that I had to get out. I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t live in that house without hearing that. I had already been saving, so by the time I was in university for a few years, I had saved enough to move out. During breaks, I never went home. I always signed papers to get out of it. I got my own place after my first year, just to get away.”

Rose was crying now, though she was trying not to. “Did you have anyone there? Please tell me you weren’t alone.”

James smiled sadly. “I had Donna.”

Rose seemed to brighten a bit at that. “She knew?”

“Yeah. I told her long before I came to your school. I knew when I was 12, remember? Me with my gob, it didn’t stay a secret to myself for long. She was the only one who knew, for a long time. She didn’t give a shite, in typical Donna fashion. I believe her words when I told her were, ‘well, all right then, guess it’s spaceman instead of spacegirl’.” He chuckled at the memory. “She was a decent liar, too, so she hid it pretty well. She knew how our mum was.”

“’S that when you started livin’ with her?”

“Not necessarily. She was going somewhere else, to the university I would eventually attend after I switched majors. We still kept in contact, and she visited me often. Around that time, I started taking testosterone, which I paid for myself, so I was already in the grips of a second puberty. That’s when she realized how serious I was about it all. Been together ever since. Supported me through every appointment, name change, all of that. I… I don’t thank her enough.”

Rose felt like there was more to that statement, but she didn’t press him. He was looking positively exhausted, probably from both their shagging as well as the story she just heard. She wiped away the tears on her chin, putting his face between her hands and giving him a feather-light kiss to his lips. He reciprocated with a bit more vigor, as if in a thank you.

“James, I’m… I wish I could say something that would make that all go away,” she said softly, licking her lips to avoid crying for him. “I wish there was somethin’ I could do.” 

James breathed out through his nose, a genuine smile on his lips. “It’s been a long time since it happened, Rose. You being here, with me… is enough.”

Rose pressed into him, pulling him closer to her once again as his head rested on top of hers against the pillow. Her touch was meant as a comfort, as a way to show that she cared. She didn’t have anything to say that could make it better, and it somehow reaffirmed the bond they were building.

James felt his eyes growing heavy, as he held her there for just a few moments, savoring how wonderful it felt. The closeness she exhibited was addicting. He felt so spoiled, having it be given to him like this, but he couldn’t bring myself to feel guilty about being taken care of, or being held. He wrapped his arm around her, briefly lifting his body to turn off the light, as he felt reality slip away, her soft breathing against his chest as he let the affection he felt for her grow before he could stop it. 

_I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be gentle, I’ve never written smut like this before D: Gonna be honest… was originally not intending to write smut in the beginning, but I changed my mind in the end. I felt like it made sense, for the theme and the questions that would be asked.
> 
> Also, to answer any questions, James had [inverted t / t-anchor top surgery](https://www.topsurgery.net/img/inverted-t-compared.gif) :) Because his chest was on the smallish side. The lucky little shit… 
> 
> also GUESS WHO CRIED LIKE A LITTLE BITCH WRITING THIS  
> ME THAT'S WHO


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, at least more than usual. I’ve been feeling a bit depressed these past few days, and it’s been hard to write. Ugh, I hate winter. Not as long this time around, but things will pick up again next chapter. 
> 
> Also, some minor references to suicidality in this chapter.

For some reason or another, Rose was suddenly awake. She saw the clock on James’s night stand say 8:12am, and yet she didn’t feel groggy. She didn’t know what time they went to bed, but it didn’t seem to matter as she hadn’t felt this well rested in ages. The warmth of James’s hand across her belly made her cuddle into him further, as she let herself be spooned. His legs where tangled with hers, his hair tickling her thighs, and she never felt more at peace. She felt his gentle breathing on her neck, and she could tell that he was still dead to the world. Her center fluttered at feeling him so close to her, the thought of their previous night still fresh in her mind.

Rose smirked at the thoughts that came into her head, as she grabbed James’s warm hand that was originally around her waist and brought it up to her chest. She wet her lips at the sensation of his fingers on her areola. She felt his fingers twitch, as though he was feeling them, too, which spurred her on. She bit her lip and pushed her bum against the still-attached prosthetic, and like she expected his hand tightened around her right breast. She chuckled lowly.

James’s sharp inhale indicated that he was waking up; she felt some of his breath on the back of her neck, hitting her hair, as James trailed his hands across her breast and down her belly in appreciation.

“Well, good morning to you, too,” he said in her ear, his voice still thick with sleep. His hand was still placed along her breasts, and she melted into the warmth of it. James placed a kiss along her neck and gently squeezed her into a hug from behind, tugging her closer to him as though his goal was to become one with her. 

“Good mornin’,” Rose said, turning over to look at him as she pressed her lips to his.

“I can get used to this,” he told her, his eyes reflecting warmth towards her. “Waking up next to you.”

“Well, I _am_ your girlfriend,” Rose said. “Girlfriends wake up next to boyfriends after really great shags.”

“They do indeed,” James said appreciatively, using the hand that was cupping her breast to quickly touch her folds before pulling it away before Rose could take advantage of it. Rose squeaked, making him laugh into her ear as he hugged her close again so that she couldn’t escape from him.

“You’re insatiable, you are!” Rose said.

“Oh, with you around, how can I not?” James quirked his eyebrow suggestively, moving his hips to thrust into Rose’s thigh with the prosthetic that was still erect. He’d give everything to be able to feel it for real. Rose let out a breathy gasp, giving him a grin that she knew made him do anything she wanted.

“Is that a promise?” she teased.

“Perhaps,” James said, his eyes focusing on her face before their lips met in a passionate kiss. They were certainly up for round two. 

“Oi! Do ya mind! ‘M watchin’ a film!”

James and Rose broke apart and nearly jumped six feet in the air. They quickly began to cover themselves as James manipulated the prosthetic to a more appropriate setting. They then remembered their door was closed, and they bit back laughs at their anxiety. They supposed they weren’t being very quiet, as they could hear Donna right outside, loud and clear. 

“Thanks for scaring the pants off of us, Donna!” James said.

“Well if Rose is in there with you, then I’m certain the pants have long been off!” came Donna’s quip, and the pair in the bed were dissolving into quiet giggles. Because they knew it was true. Donna’s smile was felt even though they couldn’t see her. “Guilty as charged! You couple of amorous teenagers!” They couldn’t see her, so Donna fist pumped the air in celebration. She really didn’t want to smack them and now she didn’t have to, now that that line was crossed. 

“What are you doin’, watchin’ a film at 8 in the morning?” Rose asked, suddenly curious as she got out of James’s bed. She could feel that the temperature in the room had increased. She figured that the repair man must have finally came in while Donna was awake. She heard James complain about her separating from him, but she hoped her still naked form was worth the show. 

“Couldn’t go back to sleep, not after the email I got from the main office. No work for us today, James! The plows are overwhelmed! Don’t look outside, you’d think we travelled back to 10,000 BC.”

James wasn’t making an effort to get up, his elbow propping up his head on the bed, though he was too busy ogling his lovely girlfriend to reply to Donna. Rose was pleased to notice this, but quickly realized she did not have her clothing from last night to change back into. She blushed, looking back at James to see him give her a naughty smirk and waggling his eyebrows, realizing what she had to ask Donna.

“Um… Donna?”

“Yeah?” came her reply, though it sounded farther away.

“Can you… grab my shirt an’ pants in the other room?”

She heard Donna belt out a laugh and then agreeing to get them. James grabbed her and tugged her around her waist, bringing her back to the bed as she tried to wiggle her way out with a shrill of delight. 

“Nope!” James shouted, as though to let Donna hear. “I refuse!”

“James!” Rose giggled, shoving him off of her as he laughed.

Donna opened the door wide enough to let her arm extend inwards to drop Rose’s clothes on the floor. “James, please do not let Rose walk out of here stark naked. She’s a lovely girl but I’m not into that.”

James scoffed at that. “Party pooper. Can’t you just like… leave the flat for a while?”

Donna groaned. “Just for that, I’m not cookin’ any one of you breakfast!”

Once Rose got dressed, to at least cover her upper half and private areas, she made sure to put on a show of shimming on her pajama pants, her back turned to him. She was rewarded with an arm around her middle again with the other hand grabbing her bum. She yelped at that, swatting him playfully as he laughed in her ear. He proceeded to drop the act, fully encompassing her in a hug from behind, the teasing ceasing. She embraced the feeling, humming in contentment. 

They stood there, for a brief minute, just enjoying each other’s presence. James gently brushed her hair back from her face, his nose close to her throat as he gently inhaled the fading perfume she put on the previous night. 

“I can’t tell you how happy you make me,” he said quietly. He kissed her shoulder, before planting more kisses up her neck, practically worshiping her skin. “ _So_ happy.”

Rose shut her eyes, feeling the emotion pour from his words. She could feel them radiate into her heart, the pure, genuine vulnerability of it making her dizzy. She turned around to face him, wrapping her arms around his neck and shut her eyes. 

She felt lucky, to be with him. Like she was in the presence of a human being that few people were able to see. And what a lovely person she saw, how he stood tall before her, looking so comfortable and relaxed around her, his aura masculine in a soft, gentle way that she wished more men had. He was a breath of fresh air, a comfort to her senses as the people around her bypassed what she wanted out of her life. Knowing she can make him happy, and yet be his equal in every way regardless of their differences fueled her desire to _stay_. Somehow, their brief month or so together felt promising to her, in a way that would probably make her mother scoff. Come to think of it, her mum didn’t know she was dating him, anyhow. Work, as well as the current distraction wrapping himself around her, had kept her occupied. Good thing she didn’t have to worry about Henrik’s anymore, as her mind had been made up the moment James had proclaimed just how much he loved being with her as much as she did with him.

“Another penny for your thoughts, love?” he said, mirroring his words from last night.

Rose hummed, brushing his jaw with her nose. “I think ‘m going to take Donna’s advice. Start over.”

“In what way?”

“I know I‘ve been savin’, for many years. I think it’s time I can do better than Henrik’s, wouldn’t you say?”

James’s face lit up with glee. “Oh, don’t I know it. Please tell me that you’ll submit your art somewhere.”

Rose blushed. “I dunno ‘bout that. But I have considered teachin’. No degree, though.”

James rolled his eyes. “Look, I know I’m biased but I think your work is brilliant. It belongs in a gallery, or at the very least needs to be sold so someone other than me can appreciate it. Don’t sell yourself short.”

Rose blushed under his gaze, filled with adoration for her. How did she come to deserve him? “Thank you. You’re sweet.”

James kissed her again, and she didn’t think she would ever get tired of that. Every kiss he gave her felt like a declaration. “Someone needs to remind you.”

Rose beamed under his gaze, feeling her heart swell for him. Giving him a wide smile, she pecked his nose and tugged his hand. “C’mon, ‘m starvin’ and Donna’s not gonna make us anything.”

“Rose, if you knew anything about Donna, then she will become your second mother. Trust me, she probably finished making a buffet for everyone.”

And James was indeed correct, as Donna had prepared a lot of food already. James knew better than to think she wouldn’t make food for extended guests. She could make a mean sunny-side up egg sandwich, that was for sure, which he greatly appreciated. Rose eventually got a call from her boss, telling her that Henrik’s would still need to be closed that night, and she wanted to scream. Even the after effects of a severe storm couldn’t stop people from shopping, apparently. 

“Okay. Okay, yeah. I’ll be over at 11.” She hung up, rolling her eyes and shoving her phone back into her pocket with more force than the device deserved.

“Oh, bollocks, they’re forcing you to come in?” James said, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“But of course, and I’ll be closin’ as scheduled, too. People can’t live without the latest, even as the UK turns into a frozen hellscape,” she said, shoveling in her scrambled eggs. “Good thing after today, my arse it gone.”

Donna grinned from behind her cup of coffee. “Oh, thank god, you’re taking my advice. Get out of there!”

Rose smiled, sipping her own mug of black tea as they all finished eating. James announced a trip to the shower, and Rose almost asked if she could join him. However, she bit her tongue. He probably didn’t want to go that far yet, based on the evidence of their session last night. It could wait for another time.

Donna eyed Rose as she watched James leave, the look in her eyes clearly one of affection even if she didn’t realize she was showcasing it for all to see. The softness in her friend’s eyes touched her. Donna only knew Rose for a year, yet she hadn’t seen this look on her before. It was the kind that she used to see on her parents, before they divorced. Their relationship was so new, and yet it remained young at heart. She smiled to herself. James had snagged a good one. She hoped to see Rose around for a long, long time.

“What?” Rose said, amusement in her eyes as Donna studied her.

“Nothin’. You just look…” Donna dramatically paused as she sipped her coffee.

Rose furrowed her brow at her, confused. “Yeah…?”

Donna shook her head. “Never mind.” She then bit her lip, the thoughts passing through her head before she could silence them, but she couldn’t help it. “I’m just… glad you’re in his life, Rose. And in mine, too. ‘Cause, you know… ‘s my fault you two are shagging.”

Rose chortled behind her last sip of tea. “No arguments from me.”

Donna smiled at her. “I mean it, though. I can tell, the way he looks at you. I’ve…” She was surprised to find that tears were making their way down her cheeks, startling Rose to sit closer to her and grab a tissue box. She wasn’t normally a crier, and she didn’t blame the blonde for reacting the way she did. “I’m sorry—”

“You’re okay, Donna.” Rose didn’t push. She liked that about her. She only said enough to warrant someone to continue, never to coax it out. It was nice.

“I don’t know what else you two did last night but… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so happy in my life.” She sniffed, swallowing down the lump in her throat. “Like… even when you two were young and I was a freshman, I’d come back from commuting to school and he’d light up when he talked about you. You didn’t judge him or make ‘im feel like a weirdo, during those teenage years when shite was the hardest. Our parents would pester him a lot, because he’s the youngest and he was a bit precocious for his age, and it didn’t help that mum would keep trying to put him in something pretty because she hated how he dressed.”

Rose could only listen. She was partly confused at Donna’s state, if she was being honest. She wondered what enticed her to share. Yet in Donna’s eyes she could see a genuine sisterly love for her sibling, one that she didn’t understand as an only child. Rose wondered how much Donna was wishing for the same things James was, or how long she was bottling things up as much as her brother was. These two were a pair, all right.

“He told me about what happened, at home,” Rose said, quietly. “’M glad he told me but… I wished he didn’t. I can’t stand to think about it. I just don’t get what made it so wrong for him to be ‘imself. Am I missin’ something?”

Donna shook her head, a silent confirmation in her head about the person in front of her. “’Course not. You make it sound simple. You’ve got to understand, though, Rose. He doesn’t talk about that stuff. Ever. He hides it, even from me and we’re practically chained at the ankles together. ‘S why I’m just… amazed at this.” 

Rose held back tears of her own. She had to remember that Donna had been a witness to what James had told her. She could only respect the redhead more for it. “I don’t like to think of it as me savin’ him, Donna. Because he knew who he was, when he was so young, and he made it. He worked so hard for it, and… he looks like he’s so much better for it.”

“Yeah, with barely a social life to speak about it,” Donna said, though it wasn’t said as a retort, more as a statement. She looked like she was ready to break down again. Rose wondered what was causing her to react so strongly to this. 

“Donna, I feel like there’s something I should know but James’s bein’ James and didn’t inform me himself.”

Donna laughed behind her tears despite herself, wiping them away. “I wouldn’t expect him to. I don’t want to speak for him, but all I will say is that I’ve… seen a lot. To this day I worry about him. It’s probably why ‘m mothering him all the time, and we’re not that far off in age. I can’t help it, every time he gets so quiet and subdued and in his own head, I’m scared he…”

Rose was confused about what Donna meant, but as she thought about it, it slowly dawned on her. Her expression immediately morphed into concern and terror. “Donna, please tell me he’s okay and he’s not gonna do anything—”

“Oh, god,” Donna started. “’M sorry, I… he’s not attempted. He would never, is what he told me. But he’s said he’s thought about it, one too many times. Especially when he was in university. I’m glad I was there.”

Rose wetted her lips nervously. “So am I.”

Donna chewed on her fingernail, as they went silent. Rose wasn’t sure what to do with this information. Should she ask him? No, probably not. She almost felt bad, for having heard what Donna told her. Yet, she was at least prepared if it ever went south. 

The bathroom door opened, as James peered around the corner to see them in the kitchen. He had a towel around his waist and seemed to have noticed their melancholy expressions. 

“Everything okay in here?” he asked, approaching them with his clothes in hand as though he were about to go to his room to change.

Rose and Donna looked up and were suddenly finding themselves unable to control their snorts of laughter, despite the mood that had prevailed before. James was apparently completely unaware that his hair was as wild as a rat’s nest, which reminded Rose of a mad scientist. It seemed it was just what they needed, after their previous conversation. 

“What’s so funny?”

That only seemed to make Donna and Rose laugh harder, as they were pointing at his hair and barely able to breathe. It seemed their tense mood had caused their emotions to bounce back rather dramatically. It wasn’t even _that_ funny, but it was just so ridiculous that they couldn’t help it.

James looked up where they were pointing, touching said hair in confusion, but that only made it worse. Now it was even more ruined as they clutched on to each other with their faces turning red.

“Stop it! What’re you laughing about?” He was looking a bit offended, now, which did not help his case. 

His annoyance only amused them as they attempted to control themselves. “Sorry, James—” Donna attempted, before snorting. “We were just talking and we just—”

“You look like if Doc Brown got electrocuted,” Rose said behind her hand.

James cocked his eyebrow, before looking up at his forehead and attempting to flatten his hair down without a mirror so that they would stop chortling at him like deranged hyenas. He was tempted to ask about earlier, but it seemed… everything was okay now? God, he didn’t know anymore. “Even when I used to live as one, women are still as bloody weird as ever.”

James walked away, shaking his head and wondering just what got into the two of them. Rose and Donna could only giggle in place, glad that the tension had passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that this was mostly character-based information and not foreshadowing :) Just... wanted to get that out there, in case some of you jump ship.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh. No comments from last chapter, even though I haven’t updated for a short while. Must not have been interesting enough for y’all. I feel so spoiled, expecting comments. So, here’s another chapter, though honestly I don't really like it that much :/ Apologies that it's shorter, too. Next chapter is when shit hits the fan. And y'all love it when shit hits the fan!
> 
> Also, please forgive my slower updates. School is picking up, unfortunately, and it’s been busy. I will try to get these chapters up as quickly as I can, though!

She didn’t really want to leave, and yet by 9am she kissed her boyfriend goodbye and gave Donna a hug, and reluctantly trudged back to her flat to get ready for work. Jeanne had texted her, as she usually did, to ask about when she was coming back home. While Rose knew it was for safety reasons, as they had decided on doing so when the other wasn’t sure, she couldn’t help but feel annoyed all the same. Though based on how Jeanne was, she understood the habit.

She walked through the front door and sure enough Jeanne was waiting for her, making herself a bowl of oatmeal and cracking a few eggs over the stove. She looked up to give her a tight-lipped smile, likely sensing Rose’s discomfort, and went back to cooking.

“Morning,” she said quietly.

“Hiya,” Rose said, and she was surprised at how nice her greeting sounded. At the end of the day, Jeanne was her friend and she cared for her. Misunderstandings when you live in the same place were bound to happen, yet the dislike she felt was still prevalent. 

“Did you want some?” she asked.

“No, ‘s okay, thanks though,” Rose said. “Ate at Donna’s.”

Silence. Rose wanted to evaporate on the spot. This was basically the extent of their interactions since their argument. Somehow, she couldn’t deal with it, not right now.

When she spared a glance at the other girl, she noticed Jeanne looked tired, drained even. She had bags under her eyes, her eyes slightly red as though she had been crying, and she wondered if she was getting any sleep. Coincidentally she decided to stifle a yawn, and her previous anger wavered, if only slightly.

“Jeanne?” she asked. Jeanne looked up from her dishes. “Are you… okay?”

Jeanne shrugged, faking a smile. “Yeah, I’m just sleepy, didn’t sleep too well last night.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Rose said, partly amused on how obvious she was being by deflecting questions. “You know you can talk to me, Jeanne. We’ve been kinda distant this month and a clue would be nice.”

Jeanne rolled her eyes at her, and Rose couldn’t decide if she was annoyed with her question or not. “I’m just… having a bad few weeks, that’s all. ‘S nothing to worry about.”

Rose frowned. “How so?”

Jeanne sighed in the familiar way that Rose recognized as to not push it, but she was getting tired of her aloof behavior when before they were comfortable in the same space together. Rose felt that she owed some kind of explanation, given her rather lackluster opinions she shared previously. “I just… have a lot on my mind, Rose. About personal things and I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Rose looked at her shoes, then back up at her. “Did I do anything wrong?”

Jeanne shook her head. “Not directly, anyway.”

“Not directly? What does that mean?”

Jeanne turned off the stove abruptly, looking at Rose with an icy glare. Rose was taken aback by her response. “It means you stop asking me. Like I said, it’s just super personal and I don’t want to think about it, all right? Can you drop it, now?”

Rose knew getting angry back wouldn’t calm things down, but she was quite befuddled by this attitude she reacquired. Jeanne looked at her a bit sadly, but her body language was guarded. “Is this still about what we talked about before? About James? Because ignorin’ me and shutting me out about it isn’t exactly a friendly thing to do.”

That seemed to strike a nerve, because Jeanne was now looking upset and defensive. “Rose, just… just stop it. Stop. ‘M not talking about this trans stuff right now, okay? I frankly don’t give a shite if you’re dating a boy or a girl or a bloody alien.”

“Could’ve fooled me!” Rose almost shouted. “If you don’t care then what’s the problem here?”

Jeanne threw up one of her hands in the air, the other on her hip. “Jenny just… brings up bad memories. So, I can’t help just—” Jeanne didn’t finish her sentence, stopping abruptly and running a hand through her hair as though she was struggling to talk about what was bothering her. Rose wasn’t sure if she should ask, for that matter. Usually any attempt to do so wasn’t successful. She tried not to be offended by that, unsure as to why she wasn’t willing to let her in after knowing each other long enough. However, her current irritation won out.

“How many times do I have to tell you that his name is James?” Rose said, past the point of patience. “’ve been datin’ him at least a month and you still can’t be arsed to use his name? Are you kiddin’ me?” Jeanne wasn’t saying anything. Her expression was emotionless. If anything, that silence made her angrier. “I really wish you’d… talk to me, Jeanne. I regretted the day I told you ‘bout him because you’ve gone out of your way to call him anything but who he is and it’s… it’s fucking insulting, all right?”

“I don’t get how calling her Jenny is somehow insulting. Isn’t that her name, at least her name before she changed it?”

Rose wanted to scream. “If you ever listened to a word I said, then you’d know how upsetting it is for someone to bring up somethin’ from a previous life that you no longer have an association with. I just… I just don’t understand why you keep focusin’ on that, Jeanne! It’s annoying. He’s not a she anymore, isn’t it obvious? He’s… he’s a lovely man and I don’t understand why you can’t get past Year 10 when he entered our lives. Shit’s changed now, what’s your deal? He’s happy and he’s smiling and doesn’t look so sad like when I met him, before he became who he is. I wish you could see it, could see what I see when I look at ‘im, without thinking of who he used to be.” 

Jeanne saw something in Rose’s eyes she hadn’t noticed before. She knew Rose was protective of those she cared about, yet the way she talked, her tense posture, and how flustered she appeared sparked a familiar feeling she envied her for. One she wished she had felt. She was quite surprised at this realization. “You’re in love, aren’t you?”

Rose furrowed her brow at her, confused at her statement and couldn’t help but feel the fury of hearing Jeanne continuously refer to her boyfriend as female. She huffed at her question. “What’s that got to do with anything I said? What, is it so hard to believe? That I love him?” Rose cheeks colored despite herself, feeling the declaration didn’t leave her with a pit in her stomach. She felt sure of it.

Jeanne sighed with a slight growl. “No, Rose, it’s just… I… ugh, never mind! Just, never mind! I can’t do this.” Taking the eggs she managed to make and her bowl of oatmeal, she retreated back to her room, slamming her bedroom door behind her with a stunned Rose in the kitchen. Rose blinked in astonishment.

“What the fuck, Jeanne?” she asked herself, looking up at the ceiling as though God himself was a witness.

Sometimes, her friend, if she can even say that anymore, was an enigma. Always guarded. Always not talking to her about personal things. She was like this the moment they became friends. While Rose respected that privacy, she couldn’t help but find it infuriating when that privacy involved her. She wished she would just be an adult and admit it all, but she knew Jeanne enough to realize that it would be safer to poke a tiger in its cage than to let it out. 

Mark had changed her. Rose refused to believe anything different. And since she had only known her for as long as she knew Mark, the puzzle that was Jeanne Poisson was even harder to solve.

A few days later, on Tuesday, Rose’s mood had not improved since her attempts to talk with Jeanne. Despite her quitting her job on Sunday right on the spot as soon as she knew that a new manager would replace her, as well as her visiting James whenever he wasn’t at work with Donna, Jeanne’s attitude had somehow gotten worse since she talked to her. She was mostly in her bedroom, talking to someone on the phone. She knew based on any conversation she had managed to hear that it was Jimmy, as she had heard Jeanne say his name a few times. That in itself didn’t bother her, but her flatmate’s behavior was puzzling to say the least. She wasn’t sure what to think.

Gripping her lunch, she walked right up to the pediatric office where James worked. He had an hour lunch break and for once she was going to join him, as she no longer had her job at Henrik’s and she could finally breathe. His break was longer than hers, so he often had joined her during her breaks to avoid getting in the way of her schedule. Not anymore, thankfully. 

He greeted her right outside, sweeping her into a hug before she could initiate anything else. The familiar smell of his cologne mixing with his natural scent assaulted her and she sighed with content. “Hello, stranger,” he said in her ear, kissing her on the cheek before placing a chaste kiss on her mouth. When Rose broke apart with a smile on her face, she noticed in the corner of her eye a few of the staff from behind the windows looking out to see them. Their amused glances told a story that she was totally going to milk for everything she had.

“Seems you’re the talk of the town,” she said, pointing her eyes towards the windows.

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah, apparently people thought I was a hopeless cause.”

“I mean, yeah. Kinda.” James’s offended look made her laugh. “’M just kidding, you’re not hopeless.”

“Oh no, I certainly am a hopeless cause when you’re around,” he said with a wink. “Now then, let’s get out of this horrible chill.”

Rose loved his chipper mood. He was never quite as gorgeous to her unless he was smiling and jovial and cracking silly jokes at her. Even with her sour mood, it managed to warm her up on the inside as per usual. Not that she expected anything different.

“Also… guess who got a surprise interview this Friday at 2 o’clock?”

James’s mouth dropped open. “No way, so soon? How?”

“Been sending out applications like no tomorrow across the internet, along with the portfolio ‘ve got, and one of the folks that answered back was a freelance position at a design company called Bad Wolf Studios. They figured I was a good fit, I suppose.”

James gave her a bone-crushing hug again, rocking her back and forth in excitement. “Rose, that’s brilliant! What a lucky find. If they’re so quick to interview you then that means they must surely like the work you sent them. You’ll officially be a working artist by Friday!”

Rose slapped his shoulder playfully. “Don’t count my chickens before they hatch, mister! They’ve got to talk to me first!”

After sitting down at a table in one of the lounges and eating their lunches, Rose’s previous excitement over a new job opportunity so soon after she quit Henrik’s ebbed as the problems of the past few days seemed to seep into her. James had taken notice of that as they finished eating. She didn’t mean for it to happen, yet when she lived with Jeanne it was harder not to think about it, especially with who she was sitting with.

“You all right?” he asked.

Rose smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “Yeah. Just distracted.”

“About?”

Rose sighed, rolling her eyes at what was on her mind. “Had a bit of an argument with my flatmate the other day. I’m just… really annoyed. Can’t get it out of my head.”

James didn’t say anything, but his expression held a bit of agitation. He remembered his first meeting with Jeanne after a decade, and it was still as unpleasant as the last time he encountered her. “What was the argument about?”

Rose looked at him apologetically, as though he could read her mind. “If ‘m gonna be honest with you, I haven’t a clue.”

“Well, that’s different. Quite an argument, not knowing what it’s about. Sounds like a joy.”

She snorted. “It was just… I dunno. She’s not telling me something and I know it. It’s drivin’ me barmy.”

James appeared thoughtful, rubbing his thumb against Rose’s knuckles. “Is she often like that? Distant? Not saying the whole truth?”

“Kinda. I mean, she does tell you stuff, but she’s almost afraid to talk about really personal things. Even after a few years of knowing her officially, I still don’t know the full story of what happened with her.” At James’s confusion, she explained as discretely as she could about what she had heard from Jeanne, which in itself was rather footnoted. 

“Blimey…” James said quietly. “That’s horrible. I didn’t know.” Rose could tell by the look in his eyes that he was holding some guilt over his familiar feelings of disdain towards Jeanne. 

“She never… told me much other than what I told you. Like, I get it, it was hard, and it’s painful, I just… you know what I mean?”

James tilted his head in understanding. “You wish she could come to you as a friend.”

“Right!” Rose said, softly smiling and nodding her head. “But even so she still doesn’t say much. It must not be healthy. ‘M worried about her, even though she’s bein’ a right bitch to you.”

James didn’t appear surprised, shrugging one of his shoulders. “Well, that can’t be helped.”

Rose blinked her eyes at him, studying him. “You’re not angry?”

James laughed, though not because he was amused. “Rose, after a while, I just have to accept that some people just never get it. Maybe someday, Jeanne might come around, if I’m still in your life long enough, or she may not. I can’t dwell on those ‘what if’s’ for long. It gets dangerous if I do.”

She almost got up from her seat to bring him closer to her despite them being in public, but she opted for her opposing hand to sit on top of his own, kissing the fingers that held hers. “Of course I want you around for a while, you plum.”

James leaned forward in his seat, still clutching her hands, to press a soft kiss to her lips. He couldn’t seem to help himself. Rose shut her eyes at the sensation. “Good. I’m not planning to go anywhere, either.”

She squeezed his palm, feeling in a much better mood already. “So, enough about my stupid shite, how’s your day so far?”

“Oh, you know, typical office things,” James replied. “Donna being a nagging mother like always, the nurses talking about me finally getting a girlfriend, and my intern Martha got the hang of injecting needles into kids. No crying this time!” 

Rose bit her lip in amusement, not helping herself for teasing him because she knew for a fact that he was going to be adorably flustered about her question. “Why would the nurses care about who you’re datin’?”

James suddenly looked sheepish, scratching the back of his neck. “Well… um… there are a decent number of girls around your age who work there. All of which have dropped hints at some point.”

Rose burst out a laugh. “James Noble, are you tellin’ me you make all the girls in your office swoon?”

James had the urge to shove her playfully but didn’t want someone to think anything by it. “I suppose a few have fancied me.”

“And you have the gall to be embarrassed about that.”

“Yes!” said James, his eyes widening. “It’s… rather unprofessional. I’m there to work and keep more kids from getting this abysmal flu epidemic going around right now, not to hook up. I wanted to evaporate on the spot whenever they tried to flirt.”

Rose couldn’t hold back her beaming smile at him. “You just don’t want to admit that you’re an attractive man, heaven forbid a girl notices that.” She felt a twinge of satisfaction when he returned her smile, looking bashful as though compliments were a rare thing for him to appreciate.

“Oh, shut up, Rose,” he said.

She giggled at him. “See! It’s okay! Because you are and there’s nothin’ wrong with admittin’ that.”

James’s smile threatened to split his face. “I suppose not. I can afford to… hear it, every once in a while.” 

“I couldn’t agree with you more.”

He made a happy sound in the back of his throat, his face flushing. Was there ever a moment where she didn’t make him feel so alive? “I have the perfect idea for a date, if you’re up for it. I’m getting out earlier tomorrow night, since there’s not a lot of appointments.”

“What a silly question, James,” Rose teased. “Tell me!”

“Well… how’s about you and I go somewhere a little bit more private. I’m thinking… somewhere outside the city. I know a place I went to when I was an astrophysics major, where the light pollution isn’t so bad.”

“Out in the cold?” Rose asked.

“There’s fireplaces there, so we can make a bonfire so big we’ll never know what cold is! It’s in a little secluded location where people can go hiking or set up camp, so for just the night we can set up a small tent and start a fire, get nice and cozy and all that jazz. We can get a nice little winter-themed picnic, hot chocolate and all. Watch the stars? I can show you what they look like, tell you about them. What do you say?”

Rose got up from her seat to hug him, seeing the hope in his eyes. Their dates were usually pretty casual, yet their naturally playful exchange made any destination seem like an adventure. This was different, somehow, and Rose was intrigued about what he was up to. “I think watchin’ the stars and lettin’ you tell me stories about them sounds like a lovely date, James. And, you know… us doin’ other things, too.”

James chuckled. “I like how you think, Rose Tyler,” he said with a low tone. “Then I will pick you up tomorrow after 5pm.”

“I love it,” Rose said. “Now get back to work, I’ve distracted you long enough. The kiddos need you.”

They kissed goodbye, and the previous worries seemed to melt away from Rose as the remainder of the day was filled with anticipation for the next night.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My senior project has begun, so drawing/hw in general has become a necessity unless I want to die come May. So as a result, this will be updated less frequently. Which sucks for you guys because this is probably the most cliffhanger-induced part of the whole story lmao This chapter was hard to write for me, especially the ending parts.

She’d waited all day for this night. Granted, it wasn’t like they hadn’t been on dates before, but she could feel that something was different. James seemed nervous during phone calls even though they had been seeing each other, and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. It made her wonder what was going on in his never-ending head of his. At first, the thought of being outside during the chilly evening didn’t appeal to her, yet the idea of a campfire and cuddling next to him made it all seem worth it. She was thankful that they didn’t plan to actually camp through the night. 

“Hey, Rose?”

Jeanne’s questioning tone shook her out of her thoughts as she locked her phone after checking the time. In 10 minutes or less, James would let her know he was outside in his car, with all of the stuff needed to make the drive up. Rose was understanding of his need to stay outside, rather than confront her roommate again. A few times of picking her up for other dates were more than enough to deter him.

“Yeah?”

Jeanne finished buttoning her dark-colored wool trench coat and pulled on her favorite beanie. “Just letting you know I’ll be out later tonight. I’m not sure what time I’ll be back.”

“Oh. Same, I’ll probably be late ‘s well.”

Jeanne nodded her head in acknowledgement as she tugged on her boots. Once again, awkward silence. Rose hadn’t dared tried to make the silences shorter, and she couldn’t be bothered to attempt anymore. Jeanne had, once again, kept to herself, as she shifted uncomfortably near her on a chair. She forced herself to stop thinking about it.

Just then, Rose received a text from her boyfriend, which nearly made her cheer in relief. Jeanne heard her phone ding as well, as she seemed to be waiting for a ride as well. Rose wanted to ask but couldn’t bring herself to care, refusing to engage in conversation.

Rose got up to leave, hearing Jeanne give her a quiet, “have a nice time”. She briefly turned around to give her a soft smile, before wishing her the same and exited their apartment.

James was practically bouncing in his seat when she got in the passenger seat next to him. “Ready for the trip? Pack some blankets?”

Rose smiled from ear-to-ear, throwing the blankets in her arms in the back seat. “Plenty to keep us both warm I hope!”

“Brilliant!” he said, giving her a firm kiss on the lips as he started the engine. “Onward, TARDIS!”

“She’s not a noble steed, James,” Rose said with a tongue-in-cheek grin.

James stroked the dashboard, an apologetic look aimed at his car. “Shhh, she didn’t mean that, old girl. She’s just jealous of how pretty you are.”

Rose smacked his hand away. “Keep that up and this date is over! Sounds like you need a moment alone with ‘er.”

James cackled next to her, looking so much like a little kid at Christmas that she couldn’t help but revel in it. He called his car ‘Time and Relative Dimensions in Space’, or TARDIS for short, because of how long it took to fix up the aging vehicle, with its body and internal components refurbished from several different decades, all of which were lucky finds. It was his first and only car, one he saw at a junk yard while he was taking public transport. He had often joked that it could travel in time as if it were a navy-blue DeLorean, with how much of a chimera of parts it was made of. With his ingenuity, he managed to make her run like new, for which Rose was eternally grateful for. It suited him so well. She couldn’t imagine him in anything else.

The trip took at least 45 minutes. It was outside the city, after all, and soon enough the sky was almost pitch black despite it being 6pm. James had his hand holding Rose’s with one hand on the steering wheel, her warm fingers intertwining his and he could almost feel his body let go of the anxiety he felt. He could sense it, that he was ready to tell her, after so soon of realizing it. He couldn’t bear to hold it in much longer. He wanted it to be special, to make the moment right. James wished it was much warmer out, of course, and yet he mentally congratulated himself for this point in time, since he would most definitely need to snuggle up next to a warm body to starve off any remaining cold the fire wouldn’t chase away. 

_Blimey, when did I become such a hopeless romantic?_ he thought.

After glancing out the window to catch the familiar visual cues he remembered, he turned into a dirt road, where he travelled up a hill into a clearing. The field was almost impossible to see, though the stars shined overhead with such clarity that Rose was staring out the window in awe. He smiled at that. That was his reaction when he first saw it, too, as the city wasn’t a good place to view the night sky. Sure enough, a little fireplace pit was still in the same place he was last time with his class.

“Well, this is the place. You can’t see all the stars out for right now, it needs to get a bit darker, but let’s set up camp and get the marshmallows!”

Rose eagerly got out of his car before James could open the door for her, laughing to himself at her enthusiasm. He proceeded to the trunk, where Rose joined him to grab the supplies for their evening. James made sure to grab enough wood to last them a few hours, with a lighter, small tent for the warmth of the fire to seep into, as well as the blankets and the food.

Soon enough, as things were finally heated up and settled, the light continued to dim around them. The sky was now perfectly visible, and James was thankful that it was a clear night. Even the moon was dark, as it would have made it hard to see the sky despite the lack of clouds. The fire was crackling in front of them, providing them with more light than their electric lantern could. James rubbed Rose’s arms up and down when he heard her shiver.

“Sorry, the fire’s almost roaring,” he said, kissing her temple as she hummed at the warmth in her arms.

“Not your fault the UK’s so bloody cold,” Rose said.

“Not to mention constantly cloudy,” said James. “Sorry. I would have chosen a better night when it’s a bit warmer, but it was going to rain the rest of the week and I honestly couldn’t wait any longer.”

“I’m not bothered. Much.”

Her tongue-in-cheek comment made him shove her with his shoulder, and she shoved him back. “’S not good enough for stars, yeah?” 

He sighed. “Sadly.”

Rose looked up. “’S beautiful, though. I wish I had this back home.”

James gazed at her as though she hung the stars they were witnessing. “How are your folks, by the way?”

Rose was in the process of taking out a few marshmallows from the bag and placing it on a thin, metal rod that James brought for that very purpose. She put it over the fire, gently turning it. “’ve not talked to them as much lately, which is okay. Sometimes we go for long periods without chattin’.”

“Does that happen often?”

“Yeah, sometimes. I dunno… mum and I get along fine now but we didn’t always. We clash every once in a while. She badgers on about how much ‘m like my dad, that ‘ve got my head in the clouds and I should focus more on what I’ve got instead of what I could have.” She huffed to herself, as though remembering past conversations and trying to tell herself not to focus on them. “He was a creative person, too. He was an artist and didn’t make a lot, so when he died it was kind of a double blow.”

James recalled Rose mentioning to him about her mother raising her all by herself, without taking on another husband. “At least you had each other, right?”

Rose shrugged. “Sure, but it didn’t help when she was the only one I could rely on for family stuff. Or when it came to havin’ a career or… something.”

“She disapproved.”

“Oh, yeah. When you live on the estates and you want to reach higher, my mum wouldn’t give me the end of it. Kept tellin’ me I’ll put on airs and graces if I saunter off to some fancy art school without my friends, as though it’ll turn me into a snob.”

James rubbed his neck. “Well… art school can be pretty expensive, for something so personal and speculative on an individual basis. Not that I’m taking your mum’s side, I’m just saying.”

“No, I know what you mean. And I agree with you. I wish it wouldn’t cost so much, just to have the opportunity to paint and get access to higher ed. ‘S stupid. While I was in the school, I got so many good, high quality paints that I never dreamed of, and the brushes weren’t cheap ones that fall apart in 6 months. No more of that.”

James hugged her closer, wrapping his arm across her shoulder and putting his head on hers. The heat of the fire was growing stronger now, and it was starting to sting his face. “I’ll have you know that you don’t need to pursue a degree in order to be brilliant. I’ve told you before, Rose. You’ve got great work, and the moment Bad Wolf Studios hires you, you’ll blow their socks off, and soon enough you’ll have it in the bank. All without a degree!”

She hummed at his words. “I hope you’re right. ‘S all I wanted to do, even while my mum tells me it won’t go anywhere and siting my father as an example of it.” She sighed.

James noticed that her insecurity when it came to financial circumstances made her feel lesser than everyone else. He noticed it over minor things; she’d pass something while on a date with him, see something pretty in the window and then quickly brush it off when he noticed, as though she was an idiot to ever think of owning something nice. He sometimes forgot about it, as he never had to worry about having enough to pay rent or, heaven forbid, splurge once in a while. Rose deserved that happiness. She deserved to not worry about basic things, basic human comforts. He couldn’t blame her for her emotions but hated to see her wilt at the implication of said insecurities. He knew that all too well. 

“I can’t say I’ve ever had the same experiences you had when it comes to that, Rose, but I will say that your drive and passion for what you want is evidence enough that it’s right for you. Chase it for all you’ve got.”

Rose laughed, amused. “You know how to make a girl feel like a million bucks, babe. Not bad… for a hermit.”

“Oi!”

She giggled at him, though he couldn’t retort back because it was annoyingly true how much he kept to himself, at least prior to having her in his life.

“Enough about me, though! You didn’t bring me here for me to bitch about the decent life ‘ve got going. You brought me here, lover boy.”

James giggled beside her, looking up towards the sky to see that the darkness had shown more stars to view. “Oh, there’s plenty of stories with these!”

“Well then, Space Tour Guide, which one are we gonna visit first?” 

James pretended to think, eyeing a few constellations he had eyed prior to their conversation and had figured out which ones he wanted to talk about already. “Uhhh… that o—no, hold on.” He thought a bit more. He pointed to his right. “ _That_ one.”

“Which one’s that, then?”

“Draco, the dragon,” he replied. “Which is not that far away from Polaris, actually. There’re so many stories that has to do with it, but the Greek one is the most well-known.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know it, so tell me!” she said. 

He grinned. “The story goes that Zeus stole a girl named Europa and hid her from her family, because of course Zeus is the prick in a Greek story. So, Europa’s father ordered his son, Cadmus, to search for his sister, and was told to not come back until he did. So, Cadmus went about searching the whole world but never found his sister, because Zeus was good at hiding people apparently. Cadmus took the advice of Apollo to build the city of Thebes since he could never return home, but the area was protected by a dragon. He ended up killing it, and taking advice from the god Minerva, he planted its teeth in the ground. From the dragon’s teeth sprouted warriors who fought one another until only 5 were left, which became the first residents of Thebes. Upon the dragon’s death, Zeus put the dragon in the sky to watch over his treasures as thanks for guarding the area.”

“Huh. Poor dragon.”

James chuckled. “Why?”

“He’s just doin’ what comes naturally and some rando comes saunterin’ in, declaring it’s his land now. I dunno. I feel kinda protective of dragons. Why are they always the bad guys in stories?”

He shrugged. “Dunno. They’re historically considered products of the devil, hence the arrow-shaped tails.”

“I mean, I guess, but… I dunno,” Rose said. “I always liked dragons. Drew them a lot as a little kid. They’re like the endangered species that goes extinct ‘cause humans were rubbish. That, or Zeus is just an idiot.”

“Both!” James said.

“Tell me another one, then,” Rose said, eyeing the sky to find one that caught her interest. She wondered just how many he knew about. “Maybe I can find one you don’t know about.”

“Good luck with that,” he said smugly. 

Rose eyed him with a squint in mock-annoyance. “Okay then, Mr. Impressive, what about… that one?”

“That’s just Mars, Rose,” he laughed.

“You can even tell which ones are planets?”

“Sure. I just memorized in which locations. It was part of our lab, anyway, to pinpoint which ones were planets or not. It’s kinda hard to see without a telescope, though.”

“Well, okay, what about that one?”

James put his face closer to hers, cheek to cheek, in order to see which star she was pointing to. “Oh, Aquarius. Another Greek story. The gods were fond of this fella named Ganymede, the son of Tros who was king of Troy. He was apparently the most handsome man they ever saw, so it caught the attention of Zeus.”

“Oh, boy, here we go,” Rose said. “Bloody Zeus.”

James laughed. “Nothing sinister this time, promise. He ordered his messenger eagle to take Ganymede back Mount Olympus, where he was made to serve as the cup bearer to the gods and bring them water whenever they needed it. He was honored for his service by being put in the sky.”

Rose appeared apprehensive. “And that’s it?”

“Yup. Told you it was harmless.”

“A story that doesn’t end in tragedy, from the Greeks? Now you’re havin’ me on.”

She felt his hand grip hers again, their arms touching. She felt the warmth radiate from both the fire and his body heat. Whenever she glanced at him, the fire was bringing out the whiskey color in his irises, his face highlighted and contoured by the orange glow. “Hmm, all right then, let’s see… which one looks baffling to a genius boyfriend…” she teased, earning her a shove from him. She saw a particularly bright star right next to the Draco constellation, and her curiosity piqued. “Tell me about the one near that really big one.” She pointed to it to make sure he looked at the right one.

His brows furrowed at that, and she felt a jab come to her. “Oh? Did I find one you don’t know already?”

He smiled shyly, his gaze looking away from hers as though he had his mind elsewhere. “No, I know this one. That really bright star you spotted is called Vega, and right below it is the constellation Lyra, the harp. So… the story goes that Hermes gives a man named Orpheus a celestial harp, which he used to play love songs to his bride Eurydice. People and creatures would stop just to hear him play. One day, his lover died suddenly, and in his loneliness, Orpheus went to Hades to get her back.”

Rose noticed his eyes holding a certain softness, as she could still feel him against her arms and his thigh pressed against hers. His eyes would occasionally flicker to the sky and then to her, as she gazed at him.

“Orpheus makes his descent into the Underworld,” he continued, “and playing his harp all the way. Hades really liked his music, so when Orpheus stopped, he wanted him to keep playing. Orpheus said that he will unless he gives his bride back to him. Hades agreed, but only if he trusted him to keep his promise. After he finished playing, he would go back to the upper world, playing his music, and not look back while his bride followed. If he did look back, he would betray his trust in Hades, and Eurydice would return to the underworld. 

“Orpheus could hear her steps behind him, and Hades tested his trust by muting her footsteps. Despite his promise, Orpheus couldn’t handle it and turned around. Eurydice faded away and returned to the Underworld. When Orpheus passed away, Zeus put his constellation in the sky to honor his music and the deep love he had for Eurydice.”

Rose leaned her head against his shoulder, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, as he finished telling the story. James could feel her thumb rubbing against his hand, lulling him into a calming trance that dulled the feeling of the weight in his stomach. “’S kinda a bittersweet story,” he heard her say.

“Yeah… but it’s a good one, I think,” he replied. The comfortable silence that came afterwards only increased James’s anxiety, yet he didn’t want to leave, or escape. The tranquility of being with her, the dwindling warmth of the fire in front of him, as the chill on his back tried to seep into his skin only made him confirm to himself how much this night meant to him. He placed a gentle kiss on her hair, as she lifted her head to kiss under his jaw. Pleasant tingles shot through him at her contact, as he turned his head to capture her lips.

Her fingers were suddenly in his hair, as the kiss deepened into a slow, yet passionate exchange. He didn’t think he could pull her closer, yet he did as she was just as hungry for his affection. He heard her moan breathily, and it spurred him on. The softness of her blonde hair on his palm only increased his desire, and he could hear she was just as eager.

When they pulled away for breath, their foreheads touching, the crackling fire showed her delicate features in high detail. The contrast of the darkness only highlighting how stunning she was, and he never felt so lucky. Her eyes seemed to glow golden as she met his eyes, her smile warm. It melted him from the inside out, to feel her against him.

He couldn’t take it anymore. “I love you.”

He thought he made a huge mistake when her smile dropped, her eyes widening in surprise. He gulped, trying to move away, but then her smile encompassed her face and she kissed him again, his head spinning. “Oh, James… I love you, too.”

The sigh that came out of him was audible and he felt embarrassed, yet the overwhelming feelings of her love seeped into him and he never felt so alive, so whole. He wanted to bury himself in her on every level and he couldn’t stop the words coming out of his mouth. “Don’t leave me.”

Rose brushed his cheek, her touch delicate and he wanted to weep on how good it felt. “Of course not,” she told him. They were practically on top of each other, and it thankfully scared off the cold as the fire’s flames were no longer licking the charred wood. “Thank you, for bringing me here. I love this.”

He kissed her face and her neck and inhaled her scent. “Thank you for sharing this with me, Rose. I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else.”

Rose could tell as he spoke that this was James at his most raw, as though he couldn’t believe what was happening at this moment in time. It made her want to envelop him and remind him how much he mattered to her, to his sister, to his friends. She wished those who passed judgement could see how much she loved the man he became, how much she wanted to show the world what he could give.

She kissed his lips again, seeing the soft, affectionate look in his eyes when they pulled apart. “Let’s get out of here, out of the cold.”

His smile was ear-splitting. “And wait 45 minutes? Are you trying to commit a murder?”

She laughed at him, pulling him up with her hand. “Patience is a virtue.”

He had the gall to nip at her neck and wander his hands, a teasing smirk on his face that did not help Rose’s need to touch every inch of him, either. “Patience is overrated.”

She stopped him. “Jeanne won’t be at the flat. Stay.”

He didn’t need more convincing. The anticipation was in fact a good way to finish the night off, as they packed up and immediately drove back home. Even though the comfortable, charged silence filled the car, Rose’s hold on one of his hands was enough to send raw need through him. Rose, the minx she was, kept kissing his hand and palm, especially during red light stops, and he wanted to screw the rules of the road every time. She giggled at him when he shot her a mock-glare, obviously desiring her. 

They entered Rose’s flat, their hands joined as James was about to tear off the horrible fabric keeping him from her soft skin—only to see Jeanne sitting on the couch, another visitor across from her with two cups of tea and a box of tissues.

The visitor was Jimmy Stone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You get a cliff hanger! And you get a cliff hanger! EVERYONE GETS A CLIFFHANGER!  
> 
> 
> Also, if you’re curious, I got my information on the constellations [here](http://www.tcoe.org/scicon/instructionalguide/constellations.pdf) with a little visual guide [here](https://astronomynow.com/uk-sky-chart/), set to December 2018, early month, 7pm.
> 
> I also thought about adding more smut here, but thought it was kinda… unnecessary? Idk, I felt like the “I love you”’s coming before they have really great sex was kinda cheap. So, I opted out in favor of cheesy fluff! :D


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Severe warning for misgendering and slurs! And that is a _heavy_ warning!
> 
> Mehhhh still not happy with how I wrote this chapter but I did the best I could to convey the message without giving anything away. This was soooo hard to write, oh my gooooood. Within the next few chapters a lot more will be revealed, and the mysteries will be solved :D I know y’all are dying to know what is going on, but patience is a virtue!

“Jimmy? Jeanne?”

The two of them could only stare in surprise at Rose’s address. Jeanne looked as though she had been crying, though not recently. Jimmy’s expression was unreadable, though he appeared on guard, even protective of Jeanne beside him.

Rose could feel the tension in the room as she pulled away from James, suddenly self-conscious. She saw how Jeanne and Jimmy were fluttering their eyes between her and James. If she didn’t know any better, she thought that their focus was primarily on her boyfriend. She felt James’s hand squeeze hers.

“I thought you weren’t going to be back for a while?” Rose asked quietly as James shut the door behind her and stepping further into the room.

“I could say the same about you,” Jeanne replied, her tone slightly playful but her eyes betrayed it as she manipulated a used tissue in her hand. 

Jimmy was trying to hide how uncomfortable he was by peering at Rose with a smile and friendly wave. “Nice to see you again, Rosie.”

Rose could only nod her head, as James silently looked at the situation with barely concealed confusion. She didn’t miss the hardened expression his confusion took on, likely recognizing Jimmy and his body tensed against her side. Right. Best to try to make things less awkward than it already was. “Um… what made you guys come back so soon, then? ‘S only like… 10, 11?”

“Oh, well…” Jeanne started, looking uncomfortable. “Jimmy picked me up and we just had some dinner somewhere, just as friends, and thought I’d invite him back to relax a while. I didn’t expect you two to come back.”

Jimmy gave the two at the door a cheeky grin. “Somethin’ tells me that we’re cockblockin’, Jeanne.”

Jeanne didn’t find his comment funny, glancing nervously between the couple as she swallowed. She looked in her lap, which didn’t go unnoticed, and Jimmy’s expression morphed from amusement to concern. 

“Is… everything okay?” Rose asked carefully. “I can just go back with ‘im to his place if you want to be al—”

“Nah, nothin’ to be embarrassed about, Rose,” Jimmy said. “Didn’t know you were seein’ someone, eh?”

“Is that important to you?” came James’s remark. Rose wanted to smirk at him being protective and let him place his hand on her shoulder as a clear indication of his claim. 

Jimmy didn’t miss the look of possessiveness over his ex-girlfriend. “Cool your fire, man, I don’t bite.”

Jeanne still wasn’t interacting and kept giving Jimmy warning glares. “Jim, just stop it, let’s just go and let them do their thing,” she said quietly. 

“What’s gotten into you, Jeanne? What’s wrong with—” He stopped talking when Jeanne pointed with her eyes at the two of them. The action was not seen by James and Rose, though James could sense the room shift as Jimmy’s attention was suddenly on him. A knot formed in his stomach and the familiar instinct to run immediately surfaced. Jimmy’s face went from confusion to shocked.

“Hold on… Jeanne, is that—”

Rose’s eyes widened and she glared at Jeanne with hurt and betrayal. The urge to run with him was strong but she was frozen in place. Jeanne was looking at them now, clear hurt on her face. It only confused Rose more. 

“No fucking way. You’re kiddin’ me. Jeanne, _this_ is Jenny?” Jimmy seemed to study the person in question from across the room. “Damn. Fooled me.”

Rose suddenly felt brave as she glowered at him. “He’s not here to fool anybody, not that it _matters_.”

Jimmy was laughing, as though incredulous. “Holy shit, this is just… wow. Jeanne, you weren’t kidding. This is wild.”

“You can quit talking about me as though I’m not here,” James said, his tone betraying his fear, a stern look directed right at Jeanne and then back at Jimmy.

Even though they were separated by a decent distance, it still felt too close for comfort. Jimmy got up from his seat as Jeanne did the same, though she still stayed near the couch. “Blimey, Jeanne, Jenny makes a convincing man, I gotta say.”

“Will you just leave it?” Rose snapped. “What’s it to you, anyway?”

Jimmy’s expression hardened. “Oi! Jeanne’s been hurting, and I’ve been a supportive friend, not that you’ve done much to consider anything she’s told to me. Doesn’t help that her best friend’s shaggin’ a transgender who happens to be—”

“Jimmy, stop,” Jeanne said, looking embarrassed. She looked like she was on the verge of crying again. Rose wondered what they were talking about before they barged in, and she didn’t have to wonder about it long.

James seemed to have gained some courage, as he stepped in front of Rose. “Better do what she says, Stone.”

Rose almost wanted to roll her eyes at the testosterone wafting about the room, but she couldn’t bring herself to care when she was learning even more information about her ex, who was apparently doing all of his power to showcase it.

“This ain’t your house, is it?” Jimmy retorted back. “How about _you_ leave? You folks ain’t welcome here.”

“Oi, ‘s my flat,” Rose spat out.

“I didn’t mean you, Rose,” Jimmy said, glaring at James. “People like _her_ cause such a bloody uproar over shit they’re denying, not that you’re any better.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean, eh?” Rose said crossing her arms over her chest. “Just how much did you tell him, Jeanne?”

Jeanne remained quiet, looking as though she wanted to disappear. In her eyes showed regret, and Rose once again wondered why. She huffed at her silence, unsure how to even examine her anymore or what she was thinking.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jimmy said, and James thought he saw fear behind his defensive anger. “Jenny had to go and mutilate herself and here she is again after years ‘nd years, causin’ Jeanne a load of pain and you’re concerned that your fuckbuddy’s little secret is out?”

“He’s my _boyfriend_ , you arsehole,” Rose said with barely concealed contempt. “Not that it’s any of _your_ business.”

Jimmy looked back at Jeanne, as though expecting her to be on his side. “She serious?” he asked Jeanne, who again remained unresponsive. Jeanne was holding in more tears, her eyes welling up as she only sat there quietly and refusing to talk. He turned back to the two of them when he didn’t get an answer. “Holy fuck, she thinks she’s dating a man. C’mon Rose, you’re smarter than that.”

“Are you done yet?” Rose said, still holding on to James’s hand as he was remaining relatively quiet through this. She figured there wasn’t much to respond to, anyway. Rose wondered just how Jimmy came to these conclusions. 

“No, ‘m not,” Jimmy said, looking properly angry. “Your ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t even have a proper dick. What? Does she fuck you with a dildo? Rub her clit against y—”

“Jimmy!” Jeanne cried, her eyes widened as she seemed just as surprised by Jimmy’s comments as they were. James never thought he could thank Jeanne for anything, yet he did in that moment as he breathed in a generous breath and let it out in an attempt to control his breathing.

“What’s she callin’ herself then?” he asked, his question directed at Rose.

James answered for her, the urge to put a fist through his face a tempting prospect. “James. Don’t wear it out. You can stop bothering Rose about something that is hardly your concern.” 

Jeanne suddenly looked nervous, as Jimmy’s eyes widened in realization. Rose had a feeling she knew what was coming next.

“As in James Noble?” he asked.

James’s visage visibly paled, though his glare didn’t falter. 

“Wait, _you’re_ my kid’s pediatrician? My girl’s been taking my daughter to _your_ appointments? Fucking really?”

Rose blinked in surprise. When Jimmy mentioned he had a girlfriend, he didn’t think he had a child, too. That didn’t even cross her mind. She looked between Jimmy and James, and the urge to protect him from this mess was overwhelming. 

“Jimmy, I don’t see how—” Rose started, but Jimmy wasn’t finished.

“No, okay, you can stay the fuck away from my kid, thanks,” he said angrily. “You can do fuck all else away from me, but you just had to be my kid’s doctor, didn’t you? The hell have you done with her, anyway?”

Rose wrinkled her nose in confusion. What was he talking about? She was about to ask but the next line made her visibly bristle.

“I can’t believe my child’s doctor is a _tranny_. This is… this is ridiculous. If I had known…”

James’s barely concealed anger flared immediately. Rose didn’t have the will to stop him from moving towards him, his demeaner icy cold with a look so murderous she thought Jimmy would drop dead right then and there.

James stood barely a foot apart from him as he made direct eye contact, getting in his space as Jimmy sized him up. He seemed surprised that James had even approached him. Somehow, he thought he had clear dominance over the situation. 

“Leave. Now.”

Jimmy suddenly blanched, his gaze looking up at the girl—no, _man_ —looking down at him with such an intense glare that he couldn’t help but wonder how he never realized how much taller this person was compared to him. Was Jenny always this tall? How had he never noticed before?

Jimmy snapped out of it quick enough to stare back at him with a determined sneer, backing down and picking up his coat. He walked out, slamming the door shut without a second glance. The three that remained winced at its sound. No one dared to speak a word, the silence that prevailed deafening. What had transpired finished as quickly as it came, and no one was sure what to say.

Rose wanted to question Jeanne instantly, wondering how this could have happened and why her ex had reacted like this, but when she turned back around Jeanne was disappearing into her room, her attempts to silence her crying following her. Rose couldn’t bring her exhausted body to continue where they left off. She was even more confused than ever, and Jeanne’s behavior was throwing her for a loop. 

She dared a look at James, who slouched the moment Jimmy left the room. His original anger melted instantly, and if anything, he appeared exhausted and worn out. She fought back tears, biting her lip as Jimmy’s words bit into her and she couldn’t imagine what he was thinking or feeling. Nothing good, she figured.

Wordlessly, she approached him and hugged him from behind, her head against his back as she felt him twist his body around to envelop her. The way he grasped her told her everything.

“James, I…”

“Shh,” he interrupted, his voice quiet, his head on top of hers as his nose brushed her hair. He sounded defeated. The fight had left him. “It’s over. I’ll take my leave. It’s late.”

Rose looked up at him, rubbing her hand against his arm as she fought against tears. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

A ghost of a smile passed over his face. He kissed her temple, which only encouraged Rose to embrace him again, and James understood her need to grip onto him. He didn’t want to leave either, didn’t want to separate himself from her and let the past few minutes ebb away with Rose’s unconditional love, but her flat was quickly becoming a suffocating prison. His limbs were itching to flee.

“I love you,” she said. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She couldn’t surprise her sobs, not for herself but for what she had to see. James felt her empathy sweep through him and it almost completely erased the original feelings of emotional exhaustion. 

“I love you too, Rose,” he told her, his voice quiet as he savored every inch of her body against his. “I’ll see you soon.”

With a final hug and kiss goodbye, James walked out, leaving Rose to stand in her flat, the only comfort she had being the untouched mugs of tea and a box of Kleenex.

* * *

James could tell Donna wanted to know why he was in the mood he was in, but he frankly couldn’t be bothered to talk about it. What occurred the previous night was done with and he just wanted to get back to his job, the one where people relied on him the most. He could work with that.

A couple of times he spotted Donna looking at him at the corner of her eye. She wasn’t stupid, and she knew something happened to shift his state of mind. He did reiterate, however, that it had nothing to do with Rose. That seemed to have quieted her, if only slightly. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about Rose, however. The event of yesterday had made his previously consistent fear return after a significant hiatus. He still felt so safe around his Rose, and the happiness she generated into him, yet he suddenly had the urge to never leave his room again. Even attempts to see her, or talk to her, had been taxing on his state of mind. The day had only begun yet it felt like a million years had passed. 

It was a slow morning, thankfully. He didn’t have nearly as many appointments that day as usual, which he was grateful for. The emotional exhaustion had continued since he woke up that day; being able to take off the professional mask he gave the kids and their parents was a welcome relief, if only for a few hours. The warmth in his office was stifling, so he opened the window slightly to let in a breeze, keeping his office door ajar in case someone needed him. He already felt sleepy and out of focus, so the chill was necessary. Martha would be in any minute now and he needed to focus so that he would avoid taking his frustration out on her again. He sighed; the young medical student was too good for him.

A few minutes later, the sounds of shouting permeated in his ear, and at first, he thought it was a child causing a fuss in the waiting room. Nothing unusual there. Kids were often nervous about seeing someone they didn’t know very well. As he caught the voice, however, he realized it was an adult’s and not the sounds of a toddler. 

The adult’s voice appeared to be getting even more disgruntled and aggressive, and his curiosity got the best of him. The voice sounded frustrated, even disgusted, and he knew he had to investigate before it got out of hand. He got up from his seat as he walked down the hall, the voice of the adult turning out to be a younger woman he felt as though he recognized, her hair a dark brown and wearing a uniform as though she was on her way to work. 

“—not coming back here with my little girl ever again,” he heard her say as he got closer to the front of the office. “This is just unnecessary and unprofessional on this office’s part!”

One of the receptionists at the desk was looking a bit apprehensive, taken aback. “Ma’am, I assure you that any misunderstanding with your appointments can be taken care of with Dr. Noble—”

“There’s no misunderstanding here! I was just told this mornin’ that my daughter’s pediatrician is a _transgender_ and your office had the gall to not tell the patients about this?”

James stopped dead in his tracks, unable to move forward as he stood in the center of the hallway, lost for words. He suddenly knew who this woman was.

The receptionist blanked for a second, her eyes blinking. James could tell she was trying not to say the wrong thing in order to make the situation worse. “Well um… I don’t see how that makes a difference in the care you’re receiving, ma’am.” 

That seemed to make the woman rage evermore. By now, most of the staff and some of those waiting for their appointments had their attention piqued by the commotion. “Surely you’ve heard what the news says! Children—young _ladies_ —having an onset of gender dys-something or whatever, thinking they’re some other gender. How do I know my Jennifer’s not being brainwashed by seeing this Dr. Noble? If that’s even her _real_ name!” 

James saw some of the nurses near his peripheral vision stop and stare at the woman at the front, occasionally flickering their eyes to him but their attention was on the front entrance. Unfortunately, their expressions were unreadable. James didn’t dare breathe. Any attention he drew would mean the woman’s wrath would turn on him.

The receptionist nervously looked back and forth between a colleague behind her and the angry young mother. Her eyes occasionally glimpsed at the little girl no older than 6 staring at the exchange. Her silence only seemed to affirm the mother’s accusations.

“Those transgenders are not going anywhere near my kid where she’ll be tempted with hormones to change her into a boy!” She then went about arguing with the receptionist about a refund as well as reaffirming her cancelling of an appointment that afternoon.

“Miss, please, just let me get my superior and we’ll take care of th—”

“Oh, you won’t hear the end of this, I’ll tell you that!” the mother said, anxiously waiting for the supposed ‘superior’ that James knew was just an excuse for the receptionist to high-tail it out of there and get someone more experienced to handle the situation.

James realized, however, that another pair of eyes were on him as he felt the world slowing down to a screeching halt. The 6-year-old girl that was gripping her mother’s hand spotted him in the hall, her eyes curious and large. She was an adorable little child, quiet yet smart from what he remembered during her appointments. Her expression was not one of hatred or disdain, but mostly of confusion. Her doe eyes were innocent as her mother tore into the woman behind the desk. He couldn’t help but stare back, his mouth opening as though to say something, anything, as though to stand up for his case, but he couldn’t get the words out. The girl’s eyes seemed to haunt him, as though she was realizing who he was, or what her mother was saying about him and it scared him to the core. He wasn’t sure if he felt disgusted or pity from what the child was witnessing from her parent.

Said mother apparently noticed that her child was preoccupied, and his heart jumped as the mother recognized him. She fixed him with a warning glare not unlike that of a mother bear, looking down at her child and occasionally glancing at him as she talked. 

“Honey, don’t look,” he heard her say to her child as she looked at her mother. “You’re not going near those people. They’re not the Christian way.”

The moment another receptionist came in to rectify the situation, the mother tugged on her daughter’s arm as the child kept looking back at him, her expression unreadable but appearing uncertain and thoughtful. 

He couldn’t witness it anymore, even though the voices and whispers of the staff and guests around him felt far away. He felt his vision blur as he felt his chest tighten beyond his control. James’s stomach lurched as he backed away, bile making its way up his throat. He proceeded to sprint down the hall back towards his office. He barely made it to the bathroom in time, shutting the door with a slam to vomit what little there was in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me right now:  
> 
> 
> I’m gonna be honest with y’all… I am so unsure if this kind of thing is realistic. I can’t say I’ve much experience in what I wrote about here, thankfully. At the end of the day, though, this is just a story. I just hope it's not out of left field? I guess? Idk lol
> 
> I was going to write the next part in, too, but I wanted to get this up. That and I'm emotionally exhausted after writing this so I'm just gonna go draw now and forget I wrote this garbage lmfao


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good god, I’m finally able to write after like 5 days. School decided to kick my ass and it’s not even half way through the semester. I had written about 3 pages of this before, when other chapters were still in development, so most of this chapter was written out already. It was just this beginning portion and some of the parts afterwards. Lucky you, or else you’d have gotten this chapter later.
> 
> Unfortunately, things still aren’t faring well for our boy :’< Trigger warnings apply once again folks.

Martha Jones was sure she was going to be late. She cursed to herself, knowing that she shouldn’t have waited in line at that bloody Starbucks, knew that it wasn’t worth it but her tired, final-exam ridden brain begged for a cup of coffee even though it was expensive. She deserved it, she told herself, after she was sure she didn’t get a B on her last test. The last thing she needed was for Dr. Noble to scold her on being late, but this the first time she wasn’t on time. Then again, she didn’t paint him as an uptight prat.

When entering the building, she scurried behind the receptionist desk and moved past a woman with her child. As she was hanging her coat on the rack, the conversation that followed enticed her to eavesdrop.

“Hi, how can I help you?” the woman she recognized as Britney said, her usual cheeriness showing.

The woman at the counter seemed remarkably irritated. “Yeah, I’m sure you can help us just fine.” The woman’s tone was dripping with sarcasm and Martha raised her eyebrows and held back her instinct to roll her eyes. Oh brilliant, a client with an attitude, just what she needed today at a 11 in the morning.

Britney seemed to flounder as some of her optimistic energy drained. Even though Martha’s back was turned towards them, she could feel Britney’s apprehension. “Erm… I…”

“Did you think this was funny, letting patients—children—in, without prior knowledge? Or do you even know?”

Britney blinked, licking her lips nervously. The pause that followed felt like charged electricity and Martha couldn’t help but turn her head to see the situation in her peripheral vision. She hoped by doing so that the person wouldn’t notice her. She just got here, after all, and she didn’t need some bitchy woman being testy at her expense. By a small child’s sneeze just below the woman’s stance, Martha could tell that this young-looking woman was indeed a mother.

The mother scoffed. “You don’t! God, that just makes it worse. I’m not coming back here with my little girl ever again. This is just unnecessary and unprofessional on this office’s part!”

Martha this time let herself roll her eyes. But her exasperation stopped when Britney quickly diverted her eyes to her, as though to silently ask for help, but she must have recognized her as the intern who likely wouldn’t know what to do and turned back to face the angry woman. She was at a loss, and Martha couldn’t blame her.

“Ma’am, I assure you that any misunderstanding with your appointments can be taken care of with Dr. Noble—”

The mother’s expression seemed to morph quite dramatically into rage, and Martha wondered what her superior did this time. She knew he was a bit scatter brained sometimes. She was not prepared for what was said next.

“There’s no misunderstanding here! I was just told this mornin’ that my daughter’s pediatrician is a transgender and your office had the gall to not tell the patients about this?”

Martha almost dropped her phone in shock, quickly putting it back in her coat pocket right after texting Dr. Noble about being late. She hoped that would buy her some time, even though she was barely three minutes past her usual arrival. The better question was what this woman was talking about. It had to be some kind of miscommunication, right?

Poor Britney tried to affirm to the mother that nothing negative would have transpired, as she expected her to say. One thing Martha was sure about was that the majority of the staff were either indifferent or supportive of whatever the mother was bitching about, and Martha could tell by Britney’s words that her attempts to placate the irate woman were meant in good faith.

“Surely, you’ve heard what the news says!” the mother continued, her voice getting louder, and Martha wanted to smack everyone who turned their heads to look at the commotion. Then again, she wasn’t much better. But Martha wasn’t stupid. Her fears were realized while the woman continued. “Children—young _ladies_ —having an onset of gender dys-something or whatever, thinking they’re some other gender. How do I know my Jennifer’s not being brainwashed by seeing this Dr. Noble? If that’s even her _real_ name!” 

Martha couldn’t seem to hear what she was saying, as she was lost in her own head. Was what this woman saying true? Was Dr. Noble actually trans? How did this mother know about that? Or was she just getting attention by causing an unnecessary fight with Britney? There were too many questions. Martha was unsure if an overdose of caffeine was capable of causing hallucinations. This had to have been the weirdest day so far and she just arrived.

All of that paled to what she noticed up ahead, past the coat rack and off to her right past Donna and Lynda and some of the nurses that were unable to stop listening. The office wasn’t terribly large, unfortunately. James Noble was _right there_ , the hallway thankfully long enough to keep him out of harm’s way. His face told her everything. The woman was correct. Her heart began to hurt, and the urge to cry came forth. The look on his face portrayed pure terror. Seeing the other nurses look onward and back at him caused an overwhelming urge to shield him from this nonsense.

And then the mother saw him.

“Honey don’t look. You’re not going near those people. They’re not the Christian way.”

That was the last straw.

Britney had soon turned around in her seat and gave Martha an incredulous look, before marching off past the nurses to find Harriet Jones. She had been there long before the previous pediatrician retired, and she was the best one here to deal with this lot. Yet she didn’t really notice Harriet passing her by, didn’t want to hear what the angry mother was saying as she left the building; all she noticed was James looking like he wanted to die on the spot and sprinting in the opposite direction.

Martha immediately followed, and as she passed Donna her face was priming with tears. She noticed Martha and the two women stopped to look back at one another. 

“Donna, I…” Martha began, but she pulled her in her arms and Donna gripping her like a lifeline. She wasn’t talking, just silently letting tears fall down. She couldn’t imagine what Dr. Noble’s sister was feeling right then. Looking past the redhead, she spotted James slam the office’s unisex bathroom shut. Wordlessly, she disconnected from Donna, and it seemed she had the same instinct as she did.

* * *

James wasn’t sure how long he was in the bathroom. Time was going at a snail’s pace yet sprinting by all at once, and yet it didn’t entice him to exit the small space. The wooden exterior of the sink’s cupboards felt rough against his forehead as he tried to catch his breath. His heart still beat rapidly, but he managed to calm down enough to sit on the floor as though he were a lost and frightened child in school again.

He tried to drown out the words he heard, but they soaked into him and he couldn’t get them out. It felt as though every insecurity, every anxious thought that passed through his head was brought to the surface as though to say, ‘I told you so’. It was hard to reject them, not when he still felt woozy. Swallowing, he finally stood up and managed a look in the mirror, and he noticed the hollow appearance he took on, as though he had aged 50 years. He sighed, turning on the faucet and splashing water on his face and rinsing his mouth to get the taste of vomit out, flushing the toilet. He forced himself not to sob. Not when the day just began.

The sounds of someone knocking on the door made him jump.

“Spaceman?”

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, but not of relief. He just wanted to be alone, and his sister was not the kind of company he wanted when he was miserable. The last thing James wanted was to snap at her when she was only trying to help. 

“Dr. Noble? Are you all right?” came a new voice, and he knew it was Martha. He hoped that she hadn’t seen what just occurred. His stomach still felt sensitive and he had the urge to vomit again but held down his nausea. Another knock, gentler this time, and he knew he couldn’t keep them waiting.

When he opened the door, he was met with Donna’s bloodshot eyes and Martha’s sympathetic expression. He could tell by the look in the dark-skinned woman’s eyes that she had seen it all. Once again, the urge to throw up came back. 

He realized that Martha’s question was still in the air.

“I’m fine.”

It was so quiet that he likely didn’t sound convincing, but he walked past them to his office and promptly shut the door again, even though Donna was trying to get to him. He growled to himself about that, knowing she was going to attempt to mother him and he was not in the mood for her smothering. He was very thankful that any appointments he had were a little later in the day, or at the very least weren’t until noon. He didn’t think he could take the idea of dealing with people right now.

Donna and Martha stood silently outside the closed office door, Donna on the verge of barging in. 

“Donna, maybe…” Martha didn’t finish her sentence, and Donna seemed to have stopped her advance to look at her. Martha’s expression was enough of a reason to hold back on talking to her brother. Martha had caught on to his mood, and Donna had enough sense to give him some space. 

Donna bit her lip, her expression now forming into one of murderous intent. “I swear, I will find out how the hell that woman found out and when I do—”

Martha put a hand to her shoulder. “Let’s not think about that right now, all right? He doesn’t have an appointment until 12:30 today.”

“But—”

“Donna. Let him breathe.”

The redhead deflated before her. She could tell the urge to not protect him was overwhelming and it was taking all of her strength to adhere to Martha’s request. And let him breathe they did.

After the 12:30 appointment came and went, James was still looking worse for wear, but he put on a façade when he interacted with the preteen’s checkup. Once again, she found herself in his office space, where she was organizing the kids’ files and couldn’t help but notice James at his desk, staring out the window as the chilly breeze blew strands of hair on his forehead. He was eerily quiet.

Martha glanced at how he absentmindedly fiddled with the preteen’s paperwork, writing down information before dropping his pen and looking out the window again. He was struggling to even do basic things and her heart went out to him.

Licking her lips, she cleared her throat after shutting the drawer closed. “Did the office know at all?”

James didn’t even acknowledge her, though she knew he heard her. His eyes went to hers briefly. “About?”

“About you?”

James’s sigh was quiet, but it sounded heavy. “No.”

Martha furrowed her brow in anger and sympathy. This random woman had revealed a very personal secret to all of staff in the vicinity and it made her blood boil. For those she knew in her life, she could imagine they would have felt just as violated as Dr. Noble did in this moment, and for reasons she couldn’t identify with. She didn’t know how it would feel. 

“Um…” she began, told quietly as though to not scare him. “I don’t know if this is inappropriate to say, Dr. Noble, but… I don’t think differently about you.” James had acknowledged what she said but wasn’t responding to her. “I… I don’t know if this will help at all but, since you have my information on the application for my internship, you can… reach out to me, if you need someone to talk to, yeah?” She paused, unsure if what she said was uncomfortable for him. “I… I can’t say I know how you must feel right now. Just think about it, if you want to.” 

James still wasn’t saying anything, but he turned to look at her and she had never seen him look so vulnerable before. It was scaring her. She gave him a tight smile, before leaving the office to take care of something else. James was left to ponder what the day had turned into.

Later on, once the office had closed and he was walking back to his car with an equally quiet Donna, he unlocked the vehicle and got in the driver’s seat.

“I’m drivin’,” Donna said suddenly, which surprised him.

“But you hate driving the TARDIS.”

“Not right now I don’t,” she said. He didn’t argue with her and got up from the seat and circled around to sit in the passenger seat instead.

A ding from his phone indicated to him that Rose had sent him a message as they waited for his car to heat up:

_“Hope you had a good day today, love you <3”_

He didn’t have the energy to respond as the feeling of the engine roaring underneath enticed him to rest his head against the window, the coolness of the window surprisingly soothing as he let himself drift off.

* * *

The headache James felt when he woke up the next day made his morning grogginess all the more unbearable. For some reason the world was spinning even though he was laying down, and the ache in his muscles was difficult to ignore. Aggravatingly enough, his alarm decided to blare a few moments later, startling him in place. Reaching for the clock, he slammed it down weakly and groaned. His nose felt clogged and he wanted to scream in frustration. The thought of going back to work after the events of yesterday was not something he was looking forward to. It didn’t help that he was feeling gross. 

He heard Donna open his door, and she appeared frustrated that he was still in bed with his eyes shut. She wasn’t entering his room with an attempt to be quiet, either. “James, c’mon, up you get!”

He lifted his head weakly to look at his sister, swallowing and wincing at the pain in his throat. “Wha’?” he croaked.

“This is the second time I’ve barged in. Didn’t you hear your alarm this morning?”

James checked the time. It was about the time that they both would have left the flat to go to work, after getting ready. He must have not heard his alarm the first time, the blare he just silenced likely the second. Knowing he was going to have to rush out the door didn’t even entice him to move, as he once again felt the room sway. 

Donna’s expression went from annoyed to concern. “Are you okay? You don’t look too good, there.” She hadn’t noticed it before, but when she came in to silence the alarm he clearly hadn’t heard, he was dead to the world and his breathing sounded raspy. She could see now that he was noticeably pale.

James rubbed the sleep from his eyes even though he felt like he could pass out forever, sitting up in bed but quickly realized that was a mistake. His vision swam harder and he put a hand to his head as though to settle it, groaning at the sensation. Taking a breath in ended up being a mistake, too, as an impressive, wet-sounding cough erupted from him. 

“Oh, god, not you, too,” Donna sighed. She exited the room, and he could hear her opening the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He groaned in frustration, hitting his head against the baseboard of the bed. The last thing he wanted was to be babied. 

She returned with a thermometer and some Nyquil to place on his night stand, and he glared at her in annoyance. 

_I’m not sick, I’m_ not _sick. It’s just a cold. Go to work. Do your job. Don’t stop._

He crossed his arms, sniffing in an attempt to clear his nose. “’M fine, Donna, stop worrying. I’ll be up ‘nd out in a bit.”

Donna rolled her eyes, both at his behavior and his obvious slurring. She expected this, him denying his health. “Open your mouth and deal with it or I’ll shove it somewhere else.”

James, too exhausted to argue, sighed and let her put the thermometer under his tongue. After a moment, it beeped and by Donna’s expression he knew he wasn’t going in today. He didn’t want to sit around, he wanted to do something, _anything_ , to distract himself, even if it was in the office.

“Donna, jus’… jus’ leave me be,” James said weakly, but it only resulted in a coughing fit that left him breathless. He made sure to cough away from his sister to avoid spreading the virus. He felt freezing and too warm all at once and he wasn’t sure which was which. Donna winced. He already looked awful, and he certainly sounded it, too.

“Blimey, James, the kiddos just don’t wanna wash their hands, do they?” she said, feeling his forehead and cheeks as she read the numbers. “Your temperature’s 37.7. Guess who gets to stay in bed today!”

He blinked his eyes sleepily, swallowing again and wishing he had a drink of water as he laid back down again. The room wasn’t spinning as much when he was horizontal. “I forgot to get the vaccine. Was gonna get it today, to avoid spreading it.” He paused, before an aggressive sneeze made him jump. He grabbed the tissues next to his bed and made an attempt to clear his clogged nose. 

Donna’s sympathy was prevalent. “Oh, you poor thing.”

“You can save the pity,” James grumbled, tossing the tissue into the trashcan next to him.

Donna put her hands on her hips, sarcasm already coming out of her mouth. “And now the familiar grumpiness sets in. Too bad I have to go to work and not deal with it. Using up my vacation days comes with its benefits.”

Even though he wanted to be left alone, knowing that Donna couldn’t stay when she had a job made him feel uncomfortable. He was feeling anything but up to par and the idea of walking around or doing basic human things felt like the biggest challenge in the world.

Donna could tell by his expression that he didn’t want to fare with his illness by himself. James was stubborn as always, but she saw right through him. He was in a vulnerable state and she didn’t want to leave him be for long. After yesterday she didn’t pry him again for an explanation. Getting it out of him by force would have been a bad idea. 

“’M not just gonna leave you to perish while you’re ill, James. What kind of big sister would I be? Now take your medicine so I can have some peace of mind and I’ll get Rose over. I’m sure she’d be happy to keep you company.”

James growled. “Donna, no! I don’t want to get her sick.”

“She told me she got the vaccine, dumbo.”

“That doesn’t guarantee she won’t catch something. Isn’t she at an interview?”

“She has that interview at 2pm, remember?”

James nodded, recalling that he wouldn’t be bothering Rose after all. He felt his chest fill up with phlegm and it made him feel icky and tired and the idea of having a conversation didn’t appeal to him at all. Even though he wanted Rose’s company, seeing her right now just depressed him. He just wanted to be left alone. He attempted to get up, to go to the couch where he would at least be near the telly if he got bored, but Donna shoved him back down. 

“Stay here for now,” she said. “You can barely walk on your own, much less have a functioning mind.” She rolled his eyes at his protest. 

“But Donna—”

“Hush! I just texted Rose. She’s already up and on her way. Now stop being a giant baby.”

James rubbed his face. This was a nightmare. His week was already the absolute worst one in a very long time and he just wanted to disappear into the walls. He already felt inconvenienced as it was, having been in the worst mood and now he had to get sick on top of all of it.

As requested, he took the medicine with a grimace and tried to clear his throat. Donna was looking at him again with a sadness that he wanted to squash, but his drowsiness was overtaking him. Putting his head back on the pillow, sleep welcomed him back with open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this done while hungover. So kinda feeling like James right about now lmfao


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so, so sorry for the severe delay in updating. I got sick myself during my spring break in March (just a bad cold, nothing terrible), not to mention I had a shitload of hw to do alongside it. Coupled with writer’s block and the continued hell of schoolwork once I was back in the dorms, it left no room for writing. 90% of my life right now is hw and sleeping. I hope this chapter is worth the wait at least! I do hope that it won’t take nearly as long to update again. No promises, however. The end of the semester is fast approaching for me. It'll get worse before it gets better.
> 
> Also, I really, really want to draw a piece for this story and put it in the first chapter, because I’ve been dying to for ages, but school has gotten in the way. Sigh, if only I didn’t have responsibilities :/

Despite the ache in his muscles and his head feeling as though it was made of lead, James kept being startled awake by dreams that he couldn’t remember. Most of them turned into nightmares. Almost immediately the overwhelming anxiety and grief overtook him, even threw the foggy haze of the medicine and the fever that wasn’t dwindling. He was too exhausted to even fight his own thoughts, as he closed his eyes again, his headache thanking him as its throb dulled ever so slightly.

He wasn’t sure how long he must have slept, for he heard the sounds of footsteps approaching his bed. Gentle fingers, soft and warm, brushed his fringe and he almost didn’t open his eyes at the pleasurable feeling. He knew who was touching him immediately, as warmth seeped into him despite how awful he felt.

“Hey handsome,” Rose said quietly, kissing the side of his head in a way that wasn’t encouraging him to wake up. She winced at his scorching skin. “Heard from Donna that today’s your lucky day.”

He moaned, hoping it sounded like a reply, but by her amused laugh he realized that he must have said something unintelligible. 

“How’re you feeling?”

Opening his eyes, James saw his vision swim before centering on his girlfriend’s face, her hair tucked behind her left ear and looking far too pretty for her own good. He swallowed, sniffing and trying to ease the pain in his throat. He smiled at her, though his eyes betrayed his exhaustion and melancholy mood. “Sick, thanks for askin’, Rose.”

She rolled her eyes, putting her lips to his forehead to recheck his temperature. “And still hot.”

“Why thank you, Rose! ‘M so glad you think so in my hour of need.” He waggled his eyebrows for extra effect. Despite his shitty mood and feeling the distasteful sensation of nausea seep in, he couldn’t help himself from joking. Anything to distract his mind when his primary source of expending energy was out of the question.

Rose smiled sadly at him, and James wondered if she could see right through his façade. Oh, who was he kidding, this was Rose he was talking to. She didn’t put up with his crap and never would. “Really, though, babe, do you need anything else? Donna said you took some medicine.”

He nodded, rubbing one of his eyes. Rose noticed that he seemed slower, his eyes glassy and she assumed it was because of the fever. Another reason she was grateful she got the vaccine. “Yeah, took the cold ‘n flu medicine. I just want some water. ‘M—” She winced when his attempts to talk caused a painful round of coughing. After a few moments, he made attempts to breathe inwards and could only manage sniffing through his clogged nose. 

Before James could finish his sentence, however, he began to curl inward on himself, moaning as he felt the nausea worsen. Immediately Rose grabbed the small trashcan near night stand and sat down on the bed to put it close to his side. She had hoped that him catching flu wouldn’t result in vomiting, and she was unfortunately wrong. 

James sat up, holding onto the trashcan she provided as he felt Rose gently push back his fringe. She was attempting to comfort him while also giving him some space, and his instinct to shove it away resurfaced even though he simultaneously craved her touch. After several minutes of fighting, he couldn’t hold back the nausea anymore and threw up into the bin, ducking his head to avoid Rose getting a lovely view of the contents of his stomach. Groaning, he spat out the taste of bile in his mouth and rested his sweating face against the side, breathing hard. The room was spinning, and he felt too hot and too cold and he wanted to be held and yet didn’t want anyone to touch him at all. 

Another surge of nausea decided to break through, and he promptly threw up again as Rose tentatively rubbed his back and remained silent. It was too much. There was so much going on internally and externally and it was overwhelming. Rose being here only seemed to make him feel worse. As he rested his face against the trashcan, tears leaked through from the pain of an upset stomach, and yet the tears didn’t seem to stop. They kept flowing. Despite his nose being stuffed up and his lungs barely able to work, the stress took its toll.

Rose was quick to notice this. “James… James, babe, are you all right?”

She was touching him again and it was starting to irritate him. When he felt her hand on his back he flinched, causing him to curl in on himself. Rose took her hand away as though she’d been burned. Rose wisely decided to keep her hands to herself. He was sobbing and not talking to her and she couldn’t help but feel immensely worried. He had done so well with her, being open and communicating, yet suddenly his silence had disrupted that peace.

When his stomach calmed at last, he lifted his face away from the bin, not meeting her eyes. Rose could still see the hazy gaze of fever through the trail of tears and it broke her heart. She wanted to ask him what was wrong so badly, because she knew it wasn’t just because of his illness. Donna’s texts to her to come over eluded to something more going on. 

“You feelin’ okay for me to dump the bin?” she asked quietly, knowing he was sporting a headache. James only nodded weakly, swallowing to ease his throat and trying to sniff and breathe properly. Rose didn’t miss his arms wrapping around himself in an attempt to stop his shivering. James laid himself back under the covers in an attempt to feel warm, already half asleep when he felt Rose put the back of her hand against his forehead. He leaned into it subconsciously; it was so cool and lovely, and it felt divine.

Rose sighed at the sight. He was pale and his nose was red, and he looked awful, and she wished his aloof behavior didn’t present itself when she wanted to comfort him the most. She resigned herself to emptying the trash bin in the tub and rinsing it off, making sure to keep the area clean as well. When she returned, she found him dead to the world, which was likely due to the medicine doing its job. Making herself busy, she went to the kitchen to grab him some water as well as find some orange juice in the fridge. Vitamin C wouldn’t cure anything, but she knew it helped, at least until he could keep something in his stomach without regurgitating it. 

Rose didn’t want to leave him by himself, but she didn’t want to catch whatever he had and knew that he would be sleeping for a while. Retreating to the living room, she turned on the telly and found a program to indulge in at a low volume. 

Her phone buzzed and she wasn’t surprised to see Donna had sent her a message:

_“Rose, I didn’t get a chance to tell you but yesterday was really horrible and james is having a really rough time right now. Please talk to him, I’m so worried for him and I can’t help but send a text. Im weak and care too much. He hates it when I baby him but I know he doesn’t care when you do it. Make sure to let me know how he’s doing later, and if you got the job okay? I’ll be back around 6 tonight or so, thank you rose. You’re the best”_

Rose sighed, wishing Donna was more specific. She wondered if that had something to do with his mood now, and she could only assume that the answer was yes. However, as the hour ticked by, and she went back in to check on him, the glass of water and orange juice was still full. And most worrying of all was that he was still shivering. His forehead was glistening with sweat and his brows were furrowed as though he were in a deep sleep, not relaxed or peaceful in the slightest.

James began moaning in his sleep, his eyebrows meeting as his body tensed. He said something unintelligible, and Rose couldn’t help but find it endearing. He wasn’t feeling well but she never took him for a talker in his sleep. When she pushed back the bits of hair that were plastered to his forehead, she widened her eyes. She became concerned that his fever was spiking. She needed to take his temperature again. 

“James, hey,” she said to him firmly. She shook him gently, and to her surprise his eyes sprung open, but his eyes were blown wide and still glazed over in a fog. He was staring at her as though she were the most terrifying thing in the room, pushing himself farther away on his bed. He was crying again as though out of fear, and Rose had a feeling that his worsening fever was the cause of it. 

“’M sorry, ‘m sorry, ‘m sorry,” he repeated, barely able to breathe in properly, covering his face as though to avoid her looking at his face, at his pain. 

Rose bit her lip to keep herself from getting upset. She dared to come closer and place her hand on his cheek, the other in his hair as she soothed him with gentle motions of her fingers. “Shh, James, ‘s just me, okay? ‘S just the fever making you out of it.”

James continued to curl into himself, covering his face and sobbing. “’M sorry, Mum… ‘m sorry, I can’t… I can’…” 

_He thinks I’m his mum…_

“James, ‘s just me,” she said again, hoping that it would snap him out of it. “You don’t have to be sorry. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“’M wrong… ‘s all wrong,” he said, dropping his hands and blearily looked at her, but she might as well had been a ghost. “Don’t leave…” 

Rose continued to brush her thumb against his forehead, trying to calm him down whenever he tried to talk. She could have sworn she heard him say her name this time, but it was so quiet she wasn’t sure if she was hearing things herself. James seemed to drift off again, but Rose had to ask before he was dead to the world again.

“James, you’re feelin’ really warm, I need to take your temperature again, yeah?” she said, and she was surprised that he didn’t fight her when she put the thermometer back in his mouth. He was barely able to stay awake by the time she read the numbers: 39.3. As she expected, he had a high fever and she knew she had to feed him some ibuprofen, but she had a feeling that he wouldn’t stay awake much longer. After rushing to the medicine cabinet and fishing out an Advil, she came back to find that his eyes were shut. 

She gently shook him awake, and he opened his eyes and looked at her with a bit more clarity. “You gotta take the Advil, James, or you’ll burn up,” she said gently, as though she were his mother after all. James licked his lips, wincing as he swallowed, and looking at Rose with a tender expression. 

“Hi, Rose,” he mumbled, looking so out of it that Rose couldn’t be annoyed at him for it. 

“Yep, still here and still your girlfriend,” she teased with a smile. “Now please don’t die on me.” She held out the Advil and James seemed to finally get the picture. Without an issue he gulped down the pill and looked at Rose as though he were a small child about to ask for a sweet in the checkout aisle.

“Can I be near the telly?” he asked drowsily. Rose nodded, obliging him and sooner than later was helping him sit on the couch, a fluffy blanket keeping him warm while he shivered into the cushions. Rose was unsure if he was even aware of what was going on per say, but once he mumbled a thanks and asked for the remote, she watched him turn on the DVR and switch on a documentary. He was asleep within 10 minutes, despite his intention to occupy his never-ending mind. She snorted with amusement, seeing him curl up on the couch next to her like a sleepy housecat. And not unlike the housecat, he snuggled in closer to her once she tucked her legs in to watch with him, his head on her lap while she threaded her fingers through his hair. His gentle breathing, coupled with smaller snores from his stuffed nose, was amusing her to no end and she looked down on him with affection. Somehow, even though Rose wished he wasn’t ill, she was enjoying her time taking care of him and, dare she say it, spoiling him a bit. She’d have to ask if he liked being petted without a dizzying fever. She rolled her eyes, though, knowing that he wouldn’t outright admit it. 

She knew for a fact that, other than the anticipated interview, it was going to be a long, _long_ day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter, but it's all I've been able to write for it in ages :C I meant to write more of the scene, with them perhaps talking and James not being a sick baby, but I really wanted to update with what I had. Thanks for your patience, guys. Word of advice: don't go into art lmao


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, made sure to update faster this time. Managed to knock out a good chunk of this after spending close to 10 hours working on art and didn’t want to do the other important things because honestly after staring at photoshop for ages I didn’t want to think for a while. You know, the usual. Hope this was worth the wait! Triggers apply again because of course they do.

Whatever was on the telly didn’t seem to register to him. Just words and voices and slow-motion clips of birds of prey flittered across the screen and yet he didn’t understand why. There was a pigeon on the grass and a red-tailed hawk from America on the screen, its wings extended as the pigeon thrashed in an attempt to escape death. It failed. The pigeon was being eaten alive, the hawk plucking some of its feathers out to rip and devour its intestines with its beak. When he blinked the scene cut to a different angle and he couldn’t be more thankful. 

He had awoken to a quiet flat, Rose nowhere in sight. Had he imagined her being here? Was it all a dream? Was her comfort just a product of his imagination to cope with his overactive brain? Clearing his throat, he made an attempt to adjust himself and somehow that still didn’t wake him much at all. If anything, he felt more exhausted than before and was tempted to fall back asleep. Yet every time he shut his eyes, waves of anxiety swept through him and his previous day soaked back into his mind. It was enough to scream in frustration, yet he couldn’t muster the urge.

James felt so parched, yet every time he sat up the room spun out of control, and it never failed to make him nauseous. The nausea was uncomfortable but not enough for him to vomit again. He still felt too warm and too cold, yet the sensation was bearable. Despite all of that, he didn’t have the energy to feel anything outside of disassociation. His eyes felt dry and puffy, his head feeling as though it were stuffed with cotton. James then remembered why his brain felt so foggy, and in a way, it was peaceful, even eerily calm.

He dozed off again, to block out reoccurring thoughts, yet he almost jumped at the feeling of delicate fingers on his shoulder and he almost slapped it away. He realized it was Rose when he opened his eyes slightly. Even seeing her didn’t entice a reaction out of him, however. Though he was glad he wasn’t alone.

“Hey,” she stage-whispered, smiling and looking exceptionally happy. “’M sorry I disappeared; I had the interview.”

He nodded his head, swallowing to find that his throat wasn’t as raw as before. He at least had to try to talk, just so he could end the conversation and go back to sleep. “How did it go?” he rasped.

Rose could barely contain her excitement just by her body language alone. Her smile was ear-splitting. “I got it!” she cheered, albeit quietly to avoid hurting his head. “I start next week!”

James blinked up at her, smiling at her weakly. “’M happy for you,” he said drowsily. He hoped he appeared genuine. He was proud of her, but he was slowly losing his ability to keep up the façade. “I knew you’d get it. No doubts at all.” He winced at a new bought of nausea, attempting to breathe in air through his stomach to calm it, yet let out a cough instead.

Rose’s mood faltered. “Have you been asleep while I was gone this whole time?”

James nodded his head. “I was only awake for a few minutes. Was almost asleep ‘till you came back.”

“Oh,” Rose said, looking concerned. “Didn’t mean to wake you at all.”

“It’s fine,” he said, sounding a bit more annoyed than he intended but the damage was done anyway as Rose appeared put off by his tone. Perfect, now he felt worse.

She furrowed her brows, appearing thoughtful, but shrugged it off when a thought passed by and she disappeared down the hallway. James breathed a sigh of relief, hoping to get back to sleep, hoping to escape. He didn’t want to think up more bullshit to throw at her to avoid her picking his brain.

It was short lived. Rose reappeared with a mug of cold tea and a warm glass of orange juice, dumping them in the sink. The sound of water cascading down the pipes and into the drain could be heard all the way on the couch and he tried to keep himself from cringing at the sound.

“I hoped you would wake up at some point to have some water or somethin’, just to stay hydrated. You’ve not been drinkin’ at all and I’m a bit worried at that, honestly.”

He cracked open one eye to acknowledge her. “I’ll have something after a nap.”

Rose turned to look at him after placing the mug and glass on the drying rack. “How are you feelin’? Do you still feel nauseous at all? I can clean the bucket again if—”

“Bloody hell, Rose, I’m fine, all right?” he snapped. “Just leave it alone!”

Despite being at the kitchen, Rose seemed to jump in place at his tone. She had never heard him raise his voice before. His normally quite put-together girlfriend, so full of life, wilted in front of him. It only made him hate himself more.

Rose’s brow met again, as though in thought. Her previous surprise was still there but it was put on the backburner. “James… is there somethin’ wrong?”

James sighed, knowing she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He opened his eyes again, head still on the pillow and covers up to his chin. “Well yeah, I’m feelin’ like shite, my nose is clogged, my chest hurts, I feel nauseous, and I’m bloody exhausted,” he spat, rubbing a hand down his face. He coughed weakly, not looking at her. He must look like quite a sight, with him appearing as though the Grim Reaper knocked on his door.

Rose’s visage took on a hardened yet determined expression. “’S not what I meant.”

He sniffed. “Yeah, ‘course. Peachy. Lovely. Brilliant. Molto Bene.” He scrunched up his nose at that. “I’m not going to start saying that. Don’t let me start saying that.”

Rose rolled her eyes. James couldn’t help but be amused at that. She was as stubborn as he was. “Stop deflecting. You’ve been miserable since I found you barely breathin’ on your bed.” 

He shut his eyes in frustration before opening them again, sitting up a bit straighter. “I just want to rest, Rose, I’m feelin’ terrible and it’s not helpi—”

“James, I love you and I’m worried about you. Please just…” she pushed her hair back from her face. “Why can’t you just—”

“What’s the _point_ anymore?! Hmm?” James’s eyes were laced with fury, though not at her. Never at her. “I just… I just want to exist and try not to hate every single solitary moment of my own existence and myself and the idea of interacting with the human race on this godforsaken planet. Is that too much to fucking ask? Is it?” 

Rose didn’t reply. 

James coughed slightly when he tried to sardonically laugh. “It’s… it’s really amazing, honestly. I do the job I love, I watch telly, I pay my bills, I eat fish ‘n’ chips, I have a few pints at the pub and take a shit in the toilet and have hobbies and it… it doesn’t matter. It never _fucking_ matters. Because no one sees that, it’s always about what I _don’t_ have. I will _never_ go about my life without some bastard reminding me, when I think the coast is clear. It never ends. It never fucking ends!” 

The familiar dimple that appeared at the corner of his mouth when he would usually smile told Rose he was clenching his jaw tightly, barely holding back his anger as he ran his hands through his hair. She was honestly terrified of it. 

“For once, can someone, for the love of all that is holy, shut the fuck up? Just shut the fuck up! Does my life offend people so much that I can’t go a day without a reminder that I’m a fucking freak?” James felt the familiar feeling of a tightened chest, not that the phlegm in his lungs helped, and the overwhelming sense of dread took over. He couldn’t stop it; it was only a matter of time. “Maybe at Uni… I should’ve… I could’ve…” He swallowed the lump in his throat. Was Rose even still hearing him talk? Or was he talking to himself? “Isn’t that what everyone wants?” 

Rose was immediately at his side the moment his voice began cracking. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He could feel himself crumbling, and any strength he had left evaporated. It was over. He lost. She was practically suffocating him with her grip against him, his head tucked into her chest and his face buried there, soaking her shirt. 

Rose was looking at him with big, sad eyes and it tore his heart in two. He was raging at her as though she deserved it and he just wanted it over with. For her to realize who she was with and run while she could. 

“What’s happened, James?” was all she said, her voice quiet and tentative and just so soft. It unnerved him. He didn’t deserve it. She was so much better than him and she was trying not to cry right in front of him, wetness appearing at the edges of her lashes.

He shook his head. He couldn’t speak, not right now.

“Shh,” she said, her voice like balm over a wound. “You’re all right, babe. You’re okay. Just breathe.”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe and coupled with being sick, it was unbearable how little oxygen was reaching his lungs. He felt lightheaded and hot, his body feeling as though it were detaching itself from his mind. 

James quickly disconnected from Rose, unable to stop the bile rising up his throat. He vomited in the long-forgotten bin, dry heaving painfully as tears leaked his face. Her hand was on his back, and for once he welcomed it.

“I don’t… I don’t feel well,” he said, thudding against the pillow as he tried to suck in air.

Rose had enough intuition to realize what was happening when he started hyperventilating. She grasped his hand immediately, and the response was incredible. He had calmed slightly, but his eyes were wide and staring at nothing, as though he was stuck inside his head. It was enough to give her hope that he would snap out of it before it could get any worse.

“James… James, you’re just panicking,” she told him quietly, squeezing his hand, trying not to get emotional herself. She felt useless and it hurt. “You’re okay, you’re gonna be all right, yeah?” 

Finally, finally, he felt air enter his lungs and he grabbed at it greedily, hoping to keep himself grounded. He felt Rose gripping his hand tightly and it was a fantastic anchor. Her fingers were soft yet slightly calloused on her right hand from her art project, having used them constantly to sand down gesso on canvas. Just thinking of that, of her in her element in the studio, made him come back to earth. 

The exhaustion he felt was immediate. The silence that prevailed afterward was comforting, surprisingly. Rose was still gripping his hand, the other rubbing his forearm and it very nearly put him back to sleep. He loved her so much and he wondered again how he got so lucky to be close to her. The idea of her ever leaving his life felt like a nightmare now, and painfully empty.

That thought, it seemed, solidified his decision to talk to her. She was here because she loved him. She wasn’t temporary. She wasn’t scared of him and running away, and he almost couldn’t believe it.

“I was outed at work.”

Rose was startled by his sudden statement, but the words set in.

“A woman came in with her daughter, yelling about… well… how I was trans and…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. Any attempts to recall what happened failed. He didn’t want to remember. “I was just… reminded of when I told my mum. And how I couldn’t control what was happening.”

Rose licked her lips nervously, biting her lip and sighing. She was trying and failing to appear extremely upset. “Did you know who she was?”

He nodded his head. “Jimmy’s girlfriend.”

He could tell by Rose’s look of fury that she was seeing red. “I’ll kill him. ‘M gonna kill that piece of shit, drag him back from Hell, and kill him again, so help me—”

She was about to get up and likely do just that (he couldn’t put it past her, really), but he stopped her, gripping the hand she was holding tighter before she could disconnect.

“There’s no point, love.”

“Not that I can help it!”

He smiled sadly. “Some people can’t be convinced. Don’t try.”

Somehow that seemed to quench her taste for blood, as she tentatively sat back down. She knew he was right. It would be a wasted effort, to talk to someone who so willingly told others without a care of the consequences. 

James was not prepared for Rose’s reaction next, as the silence afterwards dragged on. Her tears had fallen down her cheeks, and she covered her mouth and tried to suppress a sob.

“’S all my fault,” she sobbed. “’S my fault…”

James bolted upright, ignoring his weak stomach, gripping her shoulders and rubbing his thumb against them. “What are you talking about?”

She took in a shuddering breath. “If I hadn’t told Jeanne, she wouldn’t have told Jimmy an’… and now…” 

James shook his head vigorously, tugging her closer to him again as the warmth of her body encased him. He wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. “Rose, no… no, love, don’t say that. You couldn’t have known.”

“This wouldn’t have happened if I kept my mouth sh—”

“Rose, look at me,” James said, brushing tears away from her face. The tears left mascara marks on her skin when he whipped them away. “You told her because I was a right fool and didn’t talk to you. You were confused and rightfully so, and Jeanne betrayed that trust you gave her to talk about something you didn’t understand. You didn’t expect any of this, not willingly.”

She sniffed, wiping her tears away even though more replaced them. “It still happened, James, because I told her. I’m responsible for this. You had a bloody panic attack right in front of me because of what’s happened and I…” She enveloped him, and he gladly accepted. 

James kissed her hair, rubbing her back. “I don’t blame you for any of this, love, please. Don’t beat yourself up for this. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He hoped that she listened, as he had listened to her. 

James and Rose simply sat there on the couch, hugging close together and not letting go, as it seemed they were both afraid to leave each other’s side. James breathed her in the best he could with his stuffed nose, knowing for certain now that he was exactly where he was supposed to be. He felt silly for doubting it, now. He was so lucky, and so thankful. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, that was wrong of me,” he told her, appreciating that she had stopped crying against him. “Leave it to me to open my mouth and insert my foot at the best of times. Especially during emotional breakdowns.”

She pulled back from him slightly, her eyes red and puffy to match his and gave him a small grin at the corner of her mouth. 

“Is that a smile?” he teased.

She bit her lip to hide it, catching on to his game. “No.”

“You _smiled_ ,” he said, grinning widely at her.

“I did not, in fact, do that thing you called ‘smiling’,” she said in a fake snooty tone.

“Rose Tyler, it takes very few muscles—17 in fact—to curve the lips upward to smile, and I saw exactly 10 out of 17 used. You did, in fact, smile.”

Rose shook her head at him, fully smiling and showing her teeth. “You’re such a nutter.”

James chuckled beside her, but the flu he caught didn’t want to take a holiday anytime soon as a coughing fit followed right behind it. He coughed into his elbow, away from Rose’s face. She smiled at him fondly.

“C’mon, I want you to eat and drink somethin’, yeah? You still feeling sick to your stomach?”

James shook his head. “Not too bad. Could go with something bland to be safe, though.”

Rose managed to make him some ginger tea after giving him water and made him a small bowl of oatmeal to start with. Surprisingly, his stomach thanked him for giving it something other than bile. He still felt out of sorts, as expected, and his stomach wasn’t in the best of shape, but at least he had food and water to keep it occupied without the fear of vomiting. 

He was, however, still exhausted and didn’t stray far from the couch. Rose insisted he go back to his bed where it was likely more comfortable, but he complained about wanting the telly on for white noise. 

“Well, all right then, but I’m not leavin’ you. Someone’s gotta keep an eye on you, Mr. Jeopardy Friendly. Make some room.” 

“But, Rose, you’ll get si—”

“Oh, shut up and scoot over, you grumpy arse,” she quipped, giving him a tongue-between-teeth grin that she knew he couldn’t resist. She was right, as he couldn’t argue with it and gladly let her snuggle into him. Her body warmth was soothing, despite his fever, and planted a kiss to her hair.

Rubbing her bare shoulders as the telly quietly flickered in the dimly lit room, he said quietly, “I’m really proud of you for getting that job. I can’t wait to see what you make for them. I just wish I wasn’t so bloody sick.”

Rose grabbed his other hand encompassing her to plant a kiss on his knuckles. She could tell by his tone that he was trying and failing to stay awake. “Thank you, babe. I’m excited to get started with them. I wanna tell you all about it but I want you to go to sleep, okay?” Silence. “James?”

She received a soft snore in response, and she snorted to herself, pulling the blanket up to cover his shoulders as she lay beside him.

Later in the day, once Donna unlocked the door to the apartment, she was greeted with the sight of James and Rose cuddled on the sofa, fast asleep. James’s rather magnificent mountain of tissues next to the bin sat disheveled on the floor, his arms around Rose in a protective embrace. Donna smiled to herself, leaving the room as quietly as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this was… therapeutic and yet agonizingly hard to write on an emotional level :) I was tense as fuck while writing this, goddamn. Hope you enjoyed that lovely angst. There’s bound to be more of it so don’t you worry your pretty little heads over it! We are very, very close to the chapter where they talk with Jeanne and you guys will finally understand what’s going on with her. Maybe you’ll be mad at me for it, maybe you won’t. Or think it’s bullshit. And that is fine. It will likely be within the next chapter or two. I think? This semester is making me lose brain cells lmao


	19. Not a chapter, please read

Hi everyone.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting with this story. Much like the characters in here, I've been going through life-related circumstances and it's left no room for writing. I know you guys are patiently waiting for an update. I've had some of the next chapter written, but since I finished school, and completed my bachelors, it's been a tough time for me afterwards. 

I'm not sure when the next chapter will come but I've just been taking it easy in life right now. I really miss writing these characters and these chapters, and I do not plan to discontinue this story at all. However, because of real life stuff, it's made writing hard and the subject matter of this doesn't help ~~because it's depressing fdjsaklfdj~~

Thank you guys so much for being patient and leaving comments and kudos. It's so lovely to see even when I've been slacking and going through stuff. Y'all are wonderful <3


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